To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

You only need to do a bit of browsing on the step parents board on here to realise that it's generally a nightmare.

On 50/50 the only way it seems to work well is either the parents moving in and out of the one home the kids are in or where the two parents live so close that the kid can pop between the homes to fetch things.

I agree. I think the ideal scenario in divorce is that the parents live really near to each other (close walking distance). The child has a main home and visits the other parent very regularly. For example, the child stays every other weekend with the other parent, but also goes over after school three days a week, returning to the main home to sleep.

which is why communication is important, so you can manage what is realistic, so your child isn't packing a suitcase to go "home".

get 2 travel sizes rather than 2 full sizes of make up for similar price points.

if if not doable for 2 game consoles then go second hand or don't get any.

speciality one off items that kids buy with their own money is up to them, but generally yes 2 of each. their childhood shouldn't be in and out of a suitcase based on adults choices.

Why not 1 week at each. My friend does that qnd it works very well. The kids are settled.

In the same paragraph you say a) there was no carrying of holdalls, and b) if you want something you take it with you.

Which one is it?

Why is that actually any different to a 7 month old where parents live in same house but do equal sharing of care. I'm talking about both working full time on opposite shifts while the other cares for the baby

I think the primary parent should take the majority of the custody. That could be the mum or the dad depending on family set up. For my parents, as for myself, it is the father working full time long hours. My dad didn't do 50/50 care when he was married. He didn't after either, we mostly had his mother round. We should have been with our own.

For my partner, if he were to take on 50/50 care he would also need to hire help or use his mother. In such situations, it seems fairer for a child to stay with their primary parent.

As I said up thread though, if a court said 50/50 or I had to be the EOW and 1 night midweek parent, once my child was older, I would have to do that. Because I could not justify them doing 2/2/3 for my sake.

It shouldn't be about whtvythe parents want though. I think that is OPs point. It should be about what is in the best interests of the child regardless of the parents feelings

No carrying of holdalls for my ds.

If the OP wanted to take something then they couldve taken it

If I stay at my DPs house I take stuff i want with me

Exactly, this is why you end up with a carry case.

I've been co-parenting for 10 years, since DS was 4. Not quite 50/50 but 4/3 (so 57/43).

For the first few years we did 3/2/2 (3 with me, 2 with exH, then EOW), which worked for all of us at the time. When the pandemic hit he asked to change that to 1/1/1/1/1/2! (Tues Thurs Sat Sun with me). He was 8 then.

It sounds crazy, but his reason was that that way he would see both of us almost every day, either in the daytime or in the evening/overnight. I think in a time of such weirdness and uncertainty, he wanted eyeballs on each of us as often as possible.

I expected we would revert to longer chunks post-pandemic, and I vaguely thought that by high school we would be doing 5/2 or 7/7, but DS has never wanted to deviate from this pattern, so at 14, that's what we're still doing.

There are many reasons why this works for us:

1. It was instituted by DS, and he knows we can change it whenever he wants, if he wants. All he has to do is say so. But he has raging ADHD and he loves the variety it offers.
2. exDH and I live 7 mins walk apart, and DS considers both houses his home. We're both deeply committed to DS, and to living here until he leaves home (even though that might not be what's best for either exDH or me).
3. We have complete flexibility - DS can choose to swap nights or stay an extra night whenever he wants, wherever he wants. We both work from home full time, which smooths this path.
4. He has everything he needs at both homes, stuff flows freely between the two, and if he forgets something he wants or needs (which he does, constantly - again, ADHD!), he knows we will always go and grab it from the other house, without complaint.
5. exDH and I communicate constantly and collaboratively, almost daily. I understand that wouldn't work for most divorced couples!

He has wonderful relationships with both of us, and with our new partners (neither of whom are resident full time with us. Both of whom he misses and asks for if they aren't around). We all spend birthdays and Christmases together.

I'm 99% sure he would tell you he is happy with his life, and I think that's because he feels deeply secure - he knows his wellbeing is at the heart of everything we do.

So I voted YABU, because I don't think 50/50 per se is what caused your problems - it was all the Other Stuff, and I'm sorry you experienced that.

I also wonder how you are ever meant to move on with your life if you do this. And really you are living with someone you didn’t like living with…except they aren’t there. So there are still arguments about household chores and home maintenance, still shared finances and a whole new set of rules for living which sounds fine until someone gets a new partner. What are the rules for that? Are they allowed at the family home? At the shared flat?

I think this thread touches a raw nerve for those that strive to be good parents, they are not really listening to op. It doesn’t matter what other families feel like, for op and many dc like her it was very very far from ideal.

The best arrangement I ever heard of was where the children (and family pets!) stayed put in the family home while the parents took turns to stay there with them; with a small flat nearby to accommodate whichever parent was not having their visit. Sounded good but of course would only work for a couple who still like each other enough to make it work.

Not my experience at all. But obviously people are different.

I moved between houses like this, until I was old enough to choose and went to live with my dad. He waived the maintenance payments from mother, he outearned her by a huge amount anyway.

As an adult, I feel my happiest when on the move, love travelling, can pack a bag in 10 mins and fly to another continent. Lived in multiple countries, moved houses many times, love living in different places.

There was no handover with parents present.

I got on a school bus with everything I was taking, did a day at school, then went back to the other house.

I did my best to bring everything I wanted and felt I needed, but as a child I often didn't get that right. Or, I had to compromise, as everything I took had to be carried round all day at school with me.

Ah- I see nesting was mentioned upthread- I think that’s the arrangement I’m thinking of.

we did 4 on 4 off when we separated, to fit in with DPs work shifts.

It worked okay. The weekends cycled round for each of us.

It required decent foresight and planning, and communicating and acting in good faith - but that goes for any arrangement.

Was still not ideal for the children though, but settled down as they got old enough to vote with their feet, as it were...

The problem is, as soon as one parent, invariably the one paying maintenance, pushes for 50/50, most RPs feel they have to agree to it because the alternative is expensive mediation/litigation with limited prospect of an outcome other than 50/50.

So lots of parents put on a brave face and get on with it when they don't think it is great for the children. But spending 1000s on lawyers wouldn't be great for the children either. It's the legal assumptions that are the problem not parents.

(I was lucky and felt able to represent myself in court so my abusive ex only got 40%... And that's only on paper, in practice he only has them about 20% of the time but his goal was to reduce the maintenance he paid and the court played right into his hands)

I’ve heard of it a couple of times, “magpieing” but it can cause resentment on swap days if one parent leaves the place in a tip for the other to sort out.

Both arrangements came crashing down when one of the parents wanted to get serious with a new partner.

YAB extremely U.

We do 50/50 as it's what the 3 of us want, and it works well.

YANBU. I've often thought 50/50 must be a nightmare for the child, but that's what the courts seem to favour these days.

I wholeheartedly agree with you OP! This was the case for myself and my sister and we absolutely hated it. I am in my 40’s now and we still discuss how hideous it was. Constantly on the move just so parents are happy. Shared custody in my view is very little to do with what children actually want. I’m not saying that children should not have to spend a lot of time with the non resident parent but overnights for half that week every week - no thanks. I haven’t said it to my DH but I would never make my children do it. At the time, had anyone asked, we would have said it was fine too as we wouldn’t have wanted to upset either parent.

TBH that sounds like a failure of both your parents. That neither of them took responsibility to see you were OK.

My daughter has pretty much 2 of everything so there is no transferring of stuff.

the only thing she doesn’t have 2 of are things like ski gear and horse riding gear that she doesn’t use regularly. Otherwise she has 2 bikes, 2 hairdryers, 2 sets of records, 2 straighteners, 2 make ups ….

and if there’s some specific clothing item she wants from the other house me and her dad will arrange to drop it to her.

no guilt over sleepovers, school trips etc.

we’ve asked her if she wants to change the set up and always says no