To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

Ok, but some of what you complain about (justifiably) is your father refusing to meet his responsibilities, nothing about 50/50.

I do think 50/50 because one parent (let's face it, usually the father) wants to avoid maintenance is pretty grim for the child.

It was less when I was younger but once older I vividly remember always packing a small case with some clothes (including PE kits, school shirts etc, trainers), hair straighteners, make up, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, every single school workbook and textbook (I did art gcse too so a large sketchbook was needed plus materials), MP3 player, headphones, hairbrush and whatever book(s) I was reading.

I'm still great at packing now, so every cloud!

100%

I truly resented being forced to have to live with my mothers (awful) partner, who never took any interest in me and generally behaved like a complete twat.

Destroyed my relationship with her too.

On mumsnet people would say ‘oh they’re kids they’ll get over it, you have to be able to have your own life’ etc.

If I get divorced, I’ll be staying single, enforcing a new live-in partner on your kids is… not in their best interests…

It's interesting that you've recounted how you hated this set-up as the child being ferried back and forth between two homes and the first responses saying YABU do so on the basis of how the parent would feel.

Child's feelings come first. Agree that 50/50 can be done successfully but not always. I personally did one night a week at Dad's as a child, same day every week. I'm glad it was that way. Home was home, Dad's house was Dad's house.

I just want to say i'm sorry for your experience as a child. It sounds like it was difficult for you and has now impacted you as an adult too. Some seperated families manage it well and don't have it this way of course, but you did and that sucks!
I suppose the saving grace here is you aren't seperated and are happy and seem very focused on your childs wellbeing being the focus!

I hope you heal from your past experiences as sounds like it was really upsetting and disorienting and like your parents posdibly didn't consider thier behaviours impact on you.

We have 50/50 - a week on a week off. She's 14 and fine with it, never has to take a case. We live close to each other and take stuff back and forth for her the whole time. She can come back to the other place if she really wants. I would never move another person into the house while she is living with me and I think its very very unlikely her dad would either

Edit to say: She has never met anyone I've dated in the last seven years either

I guess it works for some families, but not all, and yes, I do think some parents (usually fathers but not always) often push for it not because they want the time with their children but to avoid paying maintenance.

It should really be based on what's best for the children, not what the parents want. But so often, things aren't.

OP I hear you, I’ve also questioned my future since having DC, talked through with DH what would happen if we split or I died (big fear of leaving DC without a mum), I think you doing this with your DH shouldn’t be such a shock to PP’s.

As a child of divorce I can empathise with your experience and feelings, they are totally valid and will shape you forever and impact (hopefully positively) on your parenting. I was very defensive and tried super hard not to be a problem child, I’m old and back then it was referred to as “coming from a broken home”, at school it felt like a black mark, so when I left my school tie at my non resident parent - (whom I wouldn’t be seeing for a long time to retrieve it) I felt awful, judged and it was difficult keeping on top of what I needed/when. You grow up way before your time, people were stunned with how mature I was at a young age.

People will naturally be defensive on here about their own custody arrangements because they are wanting to do the best in their circumstances, for their family situation and might feel judged but like you, I was unsettled by mine, I’m a home body, insecure and feel damaged by my childhood experience.

Someone that I know did every other night!! Poor child

Even if your mother fought the custody split in the Courts your father would have likely got what he wanted anyway.

My niece recently had her parents separate. They are doing 50/50. I see her at family events looking utterly exhausted. She’s trying to keep up with family engagements, her own social engagements and school work - all while navigating which house she will stay at.

I feel so sorry for her. Her parents both moved on straight away. Her childhood home sold straight away and she’s had to move into two separate houses - neither house would feel like home for her.

At her age she needs structure and stability. Her mother hasn’t stated once that she misses her on her nights away. She’s happily seeing her new boyfriend on her weeks off. I think it’s so selfish. My niece isn’t getting enough sleep and is being shuffled between houses. I feel so sorry for her.

this.

why does a child need a holdall of things to stay either parents house. other than a phone and school books they should have all they need at both homes.

We did 2 weeks at a time with ours, but we lived close by, were amicable and around still to support each other and see the . Our DC have a full and decent relationship with both of us, but even so, they hated the going back and forth. There isn't a best option sadly but I think arrangements where it's the parents going back and forth and the kids stay in the same house is probably the better option, if it's possible.

Also to say, I'm sure some people might be thinking it's really strange I've even mentioned this to my partner, I'm sure it is! But we are genuinely really happy together I have no plans to leave him, so this hasn't come from a place of getting my ducks in a row and making plans.

I'm just aware most people probably never expect to split either, and becoming a parent is bringing some of these memories back up for me.

The alternative is the parents forget ‘their rights’ and ‘what’s’s fair/ best for them’ and put the children’s rights first - as is supposed to be the position in law.

Yep. I think it's insane how many families go from the mother assuming the vast majority and responsibility of care to their child essentially losing that primary relationship to someone who didn't take anything like 50/50 care of them before the divorce and frankly palms it off on other female relatives after it.

The vast majority of custody is arranged between the parents but where a third party is involved eg the courts, there should never be such a thing as a presumption of 50/50. It should be based on the circumstances and aims and what is truly in the best interests of the child.

The difficulty is, none of us has an alternative childhood to compare to, do we?

I grew up with parents who fought a lot with each other and were pretty awful, and it is very easy for me to say that it is damaging for children to grow up in a home where parents are arguing and fighting, because that is my experience.

It is perfectly possible that, had my parents split up and shared custody 50/50, I would be saying the same as the OP and feeling it was awful.

But I am aware that both of my parents are very, very sure that it is selfish for parents to separate. My dad interprets it as 'breaking a promise' made to your children. I'm sure there's a hefty element of self-justification there, but all I can say is, I wish I hadn't had to grow up like that.

I do parent 50/50 with my ex, and it is the dreaded 2,2,3. Of course I wish DD had one home with two parents in it. But I think this was the best solution in context. It's not to do with 'selfish' or 'not selfish'.

Please don’t hold ill will against your mum. Unless there’s more to it, she couldn’t dismiss what your dad insisted on. I bet you she’d rather have had you more (and have the associated maintenance to help her with all your basics). I’m saying this as someone who was a every other weekend and one day in the week kid (who’s parents were really good about any change…but I also had almost zero social life) and as a parent of kids with a one weekend a month and one night a week)). My kids, who are in the young teen phase, stay “home” when they have something planned with friends. Dad accepts it without question.

I think that’s the crux of it for me. I don’t want my children to be visitors in my home, I also feel like I lost out on a closeness with my dad who was an EOW dad on and off throughout my childhood. So much so I still feel he is at arms length as I don’t feel comfortable enough around him to be completely myself.

That is normally based on a very real and common set-up though where the mother is already the primary caregiver and has an economic disadvantage, whereas the father has less of a parenting role and an economic advantage.

I totally agree with you having been a child doing this. It’s all about the parent and absolutely not in the interests of most children for all the reasons you outline. A week on and a week off can work as there’s a stable amount of time to actually settle but a couple of days with one and a couple of days with the other, just no

I agree. I think children need a base to call home and having 2 bases isn’t the same. It doesn’t result in 2 homes, it results in 2 places they bounce between. Convenient and sounds morally better to the adults but totally dismisses the needs of the child. It’s a case of what’s fair in sharing isn’t the same as what’s psychologically best.

The same reason an adult would take a bag of belongings with them when they went to stay somewhere else?

Having the clothes you want to wear, your makeup, the book you’re reading, your games console, whatever it is?

Great for the parents, shit for the child. I've never seen it done in the best interests of th3echild.

Would an adult want to split their time between two homes? Either having 2 of everything or having to drag things around. Never actually belonging in either house and knowing both your parents cracked on with their life without you when you were gone? Kids need a stable home, 50/50 doesn't provide that - even when it's done well.

I agree. Think about if you lived like this as an adult - you wouldn’t ! So imagine poor kids going through this. And then imagine living in a house where you are forced to share with other children because the parent selfishly wants a partner. I’m not sure what the alternative is though.

Exactly what I said lol. As an adult you wouldn’t accept this so why do it to kids.

I currently have this set up, but also, we get on quite well so if they forget something he'll pop over etc.
No maintenance, but, mainly pretty equal (I just tell him what he owes and probably do pay a bit more most of the time), I do the main mental load, but I figure it would be the same if we were still together.
He's a good dad, I think I am a good mum, it didn't work out but we both love them and want the best and equal time...