To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

My read of this sentence was that it was the father who was quibbling about his "turns" for things, but I can see now that the second half of the sentence could also apply to both parents. I certainly don't think her mother is blameless in any of this.

OP what arrangement would have worked better for you? I’m getting divorced and am desperate to get it right for my children.

Because it is not in the interest of the child, whose rights to stability should be paramount.

I am staggered by the lack of empathy for you on this thread. I assume by those conducting these arrangements. I completely agree with you, and would have hated this as a child. It sounds like nowhere felt like home, and you felt rootless and like your needs were not prioritised.

I think if the courts cared about the child fully, they wouldn’t instruct these kinds of arrangements actually, but for all kinds of reasons (financial, work etc) they do and many people feel just like you op. The child is sometimes at least secondary if not last on the list of priorities….I am sorry you did not feel safer and settled as a child.

34% of people here voting YABU are just wrong OP. You are not.

YABU as it's different for everyone and there are different versions of 50/50. Not to take away from your personal experiences, and I'm sorry you found it a difficult thing in your childhood.

ExH and I only began 50/50 after our separation after DS1 was increasingly upset at the imbalance in time spent with us both. He wanted it to be equal, so we went from exH having the DC 5 nights out of 14 to 50/50. Our version was 1 week on 1 week off, as we felt the upheaval of 2/2/3 or other versions would be too unsettling. 10 years on and we both have great relationships with both DC and there is no resentment. Believe me, they'd say if there was. And we'd listen.

Not one of your points was about what the child wants or needs.

Lol

Did you bang a gavel when you posted that?

You could do 50/50 and have a week at each parent's house. Surely that would make more sense then the complicated arrangement you had as a child.

I think it’s grim for any kids being stuck on the middle of separating parents, bar violence being involved. 2 homes, possible step parents, then step brothers and sisters. Not knowing who is taking you where, sorting holidays. The list is endless.

As I said, barring violence being a factor, my opinion is that not having 1 home either both parents focussed on the needs of that child is one of the saddest developments in modern Western society.

Yes people will come on and say oh well it worked for our family, I love my step-mam etc. Yes well I’m talking broadly.

The ease for divorce and separation has a huge toll on children and the environment. Contributes to why we need so many houses zone because people aren’t living as couples as much.

YANBU.

Adults can be so fucking selfish. But then I also judge parents who start new relationships with other parents, move all the kids in together and then have more kids. Should be illegal.

Former Australian of the Year, Grace Tame, has spoken of never sleeping for more than a week in the same bed until she left home.

She isn’t a fan.

I’m not traumatised for life by it. I’m actually probably quite robust because of some of the instability as I experienced.

However, that’s not to say it wasn’t shit at the time and made me utterly, utterly miserable.

I probably wouldn’t admit that to my parents even now as an adult as I couldn’t be bothered to create a row about it so many years later.

They were no doubt doing what they thought was best in the circumstances - but that doesn’t mean it was any less crap day-to-day for me. As I say - I have no particular suggestion as to what alternative there can be, as all the options are pretty shit for the kids.

It all depends on the parents. Two committed parents, focussed on the children, aware of what the children need on each day and prepared to suck up the odd trip to retrieve/ drop off forgotten items will make it work.

Poor parents, only interested in avoiding maintenance and unable to prioritise their children, will make it a nightmare. But odds on, those poor parents would make it a nightmare whatever the actual custody arrangements.

I’m really sorry OP that you had to cope with such poor behaviour. It’s very understandable why you have the opinion you do.

I split with dh dad when he was 8. We did eow as we lived 2 hours apart (house was on market, we were planning to move then ex dropped on me there was an OW and she didn’t want him to move, so he stayed in the house and me and ds moved anyway as planned).

Ex h couldn’t have had him 50/50 even if we lived next door as his job took him abroad most weeks.

It worked out well. Ex h and his new wife got a bit bored of EOW when ds was about 11, so it went down to once a month, with ex sometimes visiting when he was flying out of London. It was all very fluid - he could see him/have him to stay/take him on holiday whenever he liked, there was never any formal or court arrangements.

ds is an adult now and he has friends who were 50/50. They all hated it and now they are in thier 20s, they have been quite vocal about how abut it was. They never felt like they had one secure home. Ds liked that he had his home and just visited his dad.

Would I have wanted to see Ds EOW? Well, if I’d had a big shot, 200k a year, glamorous job like his dad, that I loved doing and that gave me an amazing lifestyle with loads of travel, my outlook on life would have been different. I was a young, stay at home mum with two GCSEs to rub together, so it’s a completely different scenario.

But like I said, it was fluid. He could see him when ever he liked, it was always ex choice.

I have had friends whose exes have wanted 50/50 to either punish them, or so they wouldn’t have to pay maintenance. That 50/50 never lasted longer than 6 months before the fathers got bored of it.

I wouldn’t want my life split between two homes. Two bedrooms. I would feel off balance, that’s as an adult, let alone a child.

It's fair, I do have a lot of problems with my father, although I'm sure there were things my mother could have done better I always felt she did her best.

With the taking turns to pay, my mum always took her turn - my dad wouldn't, and my mum couldn't always afford to pay his turn as well. Hence the arguing. As a teenager especially I don't think I appreciated that my mum couldn't always front the cash for things my dad should have paid, so resented them both at the time for this, I understand better now.

My mum paid for nearly all the clothes I wore, shoes, books, everything really. She received the child benefit, but it couldn't possibly have covered everything.

Maybe the one week of each would have been better, but I think I would have missed my mum.

As to would I be happy to be the parent with EOW - obviously, of course that isn't what I would want. But honestly, if a court deemed it was that or 50/50 then once they were older I think I'd have to agree, I couldn't do 2/2/3. Perhaps I would consider some other set ups.

I actually think an ideal would have been EOW plus 1 midweek (flexible) night. And the option to say, actually, I want to stay here for the next two nights if possible.

Although I do remember I was happier at my mum's mostly (step-parents in both houses, plus step siblings), there were times when I had clubs etc, and it would have been so much easier to have just stayed where I was for a couple extra nights during busy times. If that meant extra time at my dad's for convenience, I would have done it.

It got much harder through GCSES as had to constantly lug all school things between homes too, plus revision material. Again, this is likely easier now that people use the internet more and have laptops.

As with many things, adults and children can have a very different perspective on what works.

I never had to go through that, so don't want to judge but think that provided that both parents love their children equally, it is nice to be able to spend equal time with both, which would help them build their relationships with both.

Don't necessarily know why children would constantly need to pack their bags besides, say, few favourite toys, books etc. In a 50/50 custody, I would've thought that basics such as some clothes, toothbrushes, kiddy toiletries, favourite snacks etc would be readily available in both parents' houses?

The problem is however, is that the adults make all the decisions - and the children are just forced to go along with it.

Yep. Just like "hey kids, you going to have to live with this new adult and their kids and guess what, we're making new kids too! Aren't you excited?!"

🤬

I totally agree. It's horrible for children to be dragged from one house to another. They should have a main home. 50/50 is awful.

Yeah, ideally, but for example my best friend growing up had a dad who sent all the dirty school uniform back to her mum's for 3 kids and expected 9 clean sets to turn up for his 2 or 3 days of the week.

Men often only ask for 50/50 because the don't want to pay child support and will then offload child care to anyone available and never pull their weight while the children suffer.

.....that is one of the most bigoted, hateful, nasty sentences I have ever seen on this site.

this seems like poor comms and management from your parents.

ideally both parents should live near enough for your weekend plans to stay the same and to easily commute to school.

Most parents want to be able see their kids more than 4 days a month and no parent wants to give up their whole weekend. the constant issue is parents not being able to put aside personal issues or being so abusive they cannot be amicable to make life easy and simple for their children.