To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

The choice is not 50/50 or every other weekend.

@HowardTJMoon Don’t be ridiculous. Many dc don’t see a parent working long hours much in the week anyway and the standard 5/9 is not every other weekend. Dc don’t see it as splitting their love and affection either. This is how parents brow beat dc into 50:50. They say you love us equally so you must divide yourself between us equally. That totally ignores, practicalities and even asking the child! They might have a fairly good idea about what works for them in terms of their social life, activities and friends who might be near one parent and not another. Parents who just think it’s about loving them equally are deluded and selfish if they do not ask dc and consider the life want.

So if both parents work full time, who provides the most stable base for the child?

Nobody?

People honestly talk about basic tasks like coordinating the school run like it’s climbing Everest.

It’s not about who the children love more. It’s about them going from having access to both parents, and then losing that because they’ve swapped to EOW/less access to one of them.

Can people really not consider that some children want to see both parents, had that before a separation than they had no say in happened, and therefore would want to keep it afterward?

Why is the choice either 50/50 or every other weekend? It seems like on mn there's no in between or other options

My partner is an excellent dad and partner. We both work ft and split care 50/50. So while I would want our child to have a stable home base, I wouldn’t want her to miss out on time with her dad. If we were to split I hope we could make that work. There’s an ex-couple near me who seem to be managing it well. On the parent’s off week, that parent does school pickup for example and drops the child at home after the playground, so both parents still see the kid every day.

@SleeplessInWherever They are seeing both parents! Just not on a 50:50 routine! What’s so odd about that. Many people do work 7-7 . On mn everyone works from home and each parent lives around the corner with lovely houses and multiple bedrooms. Life isn’t like that for many separated families. They don’t live close. One partner might be living with a parent. They work long hours. They cannot do a school run. No one seems to do a full days work who posts here.

Most children like a base and are happy to go elsewhere for part of a 2 week cycle. The parent might have to alter their job or reduce hours - that’s not unusual. If parents cannot collect from school, they carry on as they did before but no one has 2 child minders in 2 separate locations - one for dads days and one for mums days! Talk about carving dc up. Dc need to have a voice!

Hi @OhDear111
I have never met anyone doing the 'standard' 5:9 - how does this work? A 'long weekend' with one parent and the rest of the time at the other's? Are you a professional in the field? You sound like you have a lot of experience.

I think people are assuming you are advocating for EoW because 5:9 doesnt seem much different to 7:7 and you have argued that often one parent lives far away and cant manage to get the kids to school, has to work long hours, etc. 5:9 does not overcome those issues.

Yes its true that some kids parents work away but those children would be used to that. And its hardly optimal if both parents are around more often.

@NameChange0101010101. 5/9 reduces the issues. Friday and Saturday nights (or others if it suits dc better) plus one other night. Again depends on dc or parent commitments. It makes sense for many in that the school week is mostly maintained in one house. It can lead to the accusation that one parent gets the fun stuff at weekends but 50:50 has the same issue. This way the parent with most responsibility sees dc the most. I accept some dc are ok with 50:50 but it should not be forced on them if it doesn’t work.

Lets just say someone in the family has a lot more knowledge than me in a professional sense!

But 50:50 doesn't have the same problem with one parent having all the weekends- you would alternate (or certainly everyone i know doing 50:50 alternates).

If one parent has all the weekends, how do you arrange things like weekends away to visit family ?

What happens in school hols? Same pattern?

I feel sorry for kids going to another house for just one night as a regular thing. As an adult I would find that a pita. Or did you mean that the 1 night is attached to a weekend?

@NameChange0101010101 You change weekends around! There’s plenty of 50:50 arrangements that are not one week on and one week off due to work and childcare arrangements. There are swaps in the week. That’s often due to work and dc don’t get a decent amount of time with the resident parent. Most childcare needs flexibility and 5/9 is flexible if parents are reasonable and not grabbing dc.

When you say 'change weekends around' - does that mean 1 weekend each? That sounds like the opposite of what you said in your previous post. Sorry but it's not clear.

I realise 50:50 isn't always 7:7 - I know people that do that and people that do 2,2,5,5. All the people I know that do it have 1 weekend with each parent so the children can do weekend activities with both families.

'If parents are flexible' is a key sentence. It only takes one parent to not play the game and then there are going to be issues. Flexibility isn't inherent to or restricted to 5:9 arrangements. It depends on the people involved. And it's really difficult for a court to mandate flexibility, because then you have to define exactly what that looks like, which isn't in itself very flexible.

My point is that many people end up in court through no fault of their own but due to a combative or vexatious ex. Its that ideal? No. Should the ex do that? No. But they do.

@NameChange0101010101In answering your query, I suggested some negotiation about weekends if necessary. Otherwise parents agree who has 5 and who has 9 nights to meet the needs of the child - not the needs of them.

If only that actually happened. Unfortunately a court will decide its 50:50 if both parents are willing and able to care for the child, and tough tits to the previously SAH parent/the child who has never been apart from them.

And courts, despite the mythology, award main custody based on the person being the main caregiver. That's how it works

It is not 'how it works'. If it was, there would be no need for a court hearing would there? A judge would just make an order that the child continues to live with the previously SAH parent.

Must be horrid to be a child with no permanent home, always going back and forth between the two. But I suppose once they get older they can decide where they want to be, so it doesn’t last forever .

See that sounds like it'd be perfect if the kids slept in the same home most of the time. They see both parents almost daily but have a stable base and a real home.

An excellent option that isn't 50/50 or EOW.

@NameChange0101010101 It’s fairly standard for parents not to want 50:50 as jobs and time don’t permit this snd dc don’t want it either. Only on mn is this continually seen as possible for everyone. Reality is that people working long hours are not available for school pick up and don’t have two houses in adjacent streets! Life isn’t like that - unless you are rich of course.

I realise this - Im not advocating for it!

My point is, and continues to be that sometimes despite it being crap this is the least worst option and courts will often decide on it.

I read a few pages, but after reading the OP I’m surprised how many posters focused on the adults needs.

I would be the weekend parent if my children needed that and it was their best interest, even though I love them. I wouldn’t blanket demand simply as much as I wanted, but respond in accordance with their needs and wants.

Yabu and projecting massively. It sounds like your issue was inflexibility and lack of support. Ex and i shared care 50/50 and the kids loved having equal.time and strong relationships with both. They did a full week at each but we were completely flexible to accomodate sleepovers, parties etc, helped them to remember important stuff and had uniforms etc at both so less to remember. Handovers were always to home not taking stuff to school - it can work but it very much depends on each family, work arrangements, distance from each other, school etc. Yabu with generalisarions based on your own experience

This! 50/50 meant neither of us paying child support, and we were both able to work and support ourselves and DC and now they are young adults we both have financial security. I can honestly say ive seen more people (usually mums) say they wont allow 50/50 because they want child support and dont want to work extra hours but ofc there are exceptions.

@mamagogo1So if you leave home at 7.30 on your week, who takes dc to school? What if that only happens twice a week or you have lots of late meetings on your well? Not all ex’s will be fully accommodating. Ok if ex is nearby, but travelling 25 miles? Is thst realistic? @Fernic Yes, I agree. Way too much about parents getting their fair share!

My DB and I were subject to an incredibly damaging custody agreement that still to this day I wonder wtf the judge who granted it was thinking. It was not in the UK, but effectively very much like the Parent Trap - each parent got fully custody of on kid, kids separated, one parent/kid given permission to move abroad to quite literally the other side of the planet. From the age of 6, my DB and I each in turn were sent on aeroplanes as unaccompanied minors for our yearly 24hr trip to see the other DP and sibling. It was extremely fucked up.

If (hopefully never) DH and I split up we will be doing 50/50. However, DH works a 2/2/3 shift pattern, so we'd rent or buy a small flat instead and we would be the ones moving in/out every few days, the DC would stay in the marital home permanently. It would be in the best interests of our DC and as the adults we would suck up the majority of the disruption. Imo this would be the least damaging custody arrangement for my DC if it were to happen

My kids didn’t enjoy it. They loved their dad and wanted to see him, but they didn’t want to go back and forth. Thankfully my ex recognised this and 50-50 lasted a couple of months, then he put his career first and took several overseas jobs. Kids are grown up now and well adjusted. Grateful I didn’t have to do 50-50 for long as I missed the kids so much and knew my ex would have just defaulted to me for appointments, school dinner money etc

What about the arrangement where the child/ren stay in the main home and the parents rotate? The lone parent stays in a small flat and they swap over. Sounds hellish for the parents but far far more stable for the child/ren!

@ReadingInBed88 There’s the same issue if arrangements don’t work and very often main homes are sold! Do women (who mostly have dc) really want the ex in their house? How does either partner move forward into a new relationship living part of the time in the ex’s property? Nightmare!

If well off, families can have two decent homes. Others find one parent does indeed end up with a lesser home - usually the one earning less. It’s 50:50 on property quite often and it means selling the home. Fairly standard outcome!