To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

I went to school with a friend whose parents did 50/50. One week at each house so a different schedule to you OP and her parents seemed to get on and communicate well, but still the same feelings from her as the child as you experienced. I spent 2 nights a week at my Dad's and felt fine about that.

My eldest did the same, 2 nights a week with dad.

I think it's hugely important a child has one solid base that they call home and one main carer. That doesn't mean the other parent isn't involved but I don't think 50/50 is generally set up with the child's best interests, it's usually to serve a parent or both parents interests in my experience.

OP, I do think it is important to separate the structure from the behaviour around it. When parents are combative, rigid or focused on their own feelings rather than the child, any setup can feel horrible. A 70/30 arrangement with parents who keep score, argue about every small thing or make the child feel guilty for having a life of their own can be just as stressful as a badly handled 50/50.

What you describe sounds like a childhood shaped by conflict, inflexibility and adult agendas, which would have felt unsettling no matter what the schedule was. Plenty of people are saying the same thing really. Shared care can work very well when the parents are child centred and cooperative, and it can be a nightmare when they are not.

Your experience makes complete sense, but it is the behaviour around the arrangement that caused the harm, not the numbers on their own.

This is it, I feel so drained now whenever I've had to do something like work at a different site at work and stay in a hotel for two nights. I get home afterwards sometimes and think, my god, It used to be id have two nights here now, and I'd be back off again. Every single week. For nine years. I don't know how I did it.

We so 50:50 ish care which works well. Essentially we across the yard from each other on an old farm. Kids go backwards and forwards. There’s a fair bit of give and take. I do most of driving about to kids stuff, he does more cooking. I cover basic costs, he’s more splurgy. It’s very child centric , neither of us have new partners. I plan to I sell and move once youngest is 18, property was properly split.

I think 50/50 is best for the parents for sure. Very few parents would want to see their child any less than that. But for the child I think I agree with you - having 2 homes and 2 of everything must be so weird and unsettling. Though it seems to be so normal now that maybe it's ok for most.

The absolute best way of doing it that I've come across is a family at the school where I work. They only have 1 child who is everything to both of them. They have split up but it's the parents who do the moving around. Child lives in the family home in their room with their belongings all the time. Parents both live in the house on 'their' days and in a flat they have bought together on the other parent's days. So no disruption for th child at all except that only one parent is in the house at a time.

It does sound like a very demoralising arrangement OP, you're not being at all unreasonable.

Perhaps one born of experience and pattern recognition.

Exactly my experience. And my husband's and it's really damaging.

Too many adults, at best, are in lalaland, oblivious to what they're doing to their kids and at worst, don't give a shit as long as they're okay and they're getting a regular shag.

I'm sorry it was so difficult for you. I can empathize. My exH lives overseas and so my DS is with me school term, and we split holidays and half-term breaks (with exH getting the bigger chunk of holidays/breaks). I think this works very well for my DS as he has a routine/security/home. And, since exH is a workaholic and a disney Dad, it works well for him too as he gets to take DS on holidays, and otherwise work all hours. Our DS is thriving under this arrangement. A 50/50 split in this context would have been terrible for our DS -very disruptive.

Yabu. Because what you actually mean is that YOUR parents didn’t coparent well. It’s nothing to do whatsoever with what the split is. It’s entirely about how your parents did it.

many children don’t pack bags, don’t not have stuff at both, are always allowed to go out with friends or whatever etc. it’s nothing to do with what the split is and everything to do with only your own parents.

I know several people that do 1 week with each parent before swapping. Seems to work really well.

I think it’s the 2/2/3 that’s the problem. When I was in high school I had many friends over split households which seemed to work really well for them. However, the key differences were:

• all were week on, week off at each house.
• there were 2 sets of everything, a complete set at each house of school clothes, school equipment, casual clothes, going out clothes, swimmers, shoes etc. The only thing they needed to take when changing households was school bag, current book they were reading and if couldn’t part with a fav music tape or two at the time.
• there was flexibility if they wanted/needed to stay at the opposite house for a night or so due to a birthday party close by, going out to a movie night closer to one place, or something like that, that was fine all round.

I can’t see how it’s possible for a child to live between two houses without some degree of having to organise the belongings and ferry stuff between the two.

It’s not realistic (or affordable) to have duplicates of absolutely everything they own.

Agreed. My experience of having divorced parents was "thank God the shouting and arguing has stopped!". I never had overnights at my dad's.

My DP's experience is very different. He had EOW with his dad, and has said a couple of times that he "felt robbed of his father".

None of us can know how we'd feel if the circumstances and arrangements had been other than they were.

Obviously, you are being completely reasonable. Also obviously, this thread will be full of people saying you're unreasonable, probably because they're divorced themselves and in denial about the impact on their kids, and you'll have touched a nerve.

Why do we as a society pretend that the catastrophic earthquake to a child's life that is their parents separating is anything other than what it is? Because it's convenient for the parents, no doubt.

I’ve been pondering this myself OP as my brother is getting divorced. I have always struggled to see how 50/50 works well for the child as I can imagine they never truly have a feeling of being “home”. But equally it’s not nice to feel like a guest with your other parent so I’m not sure what the answer is. If you do do 50/50 I do strongly feel there should be a proper bedroom in both homes and duplicates of all important items (iPad, PlayStation, or whatever is impotent to the child) as well as a toothbrush and full wardrobe of clothes in both houses to prevent the need for having to take anything with you.

The houses also need to be close geographically

And both parents need to be decent.

It only takes one parent being a bully for this to not work. Yet the courts really don't seem able to grasp this.

ExH will never drive to me if a child needs something. I have to do all the running about. And he only have them when he feels like it , yet got awarded more time "on paper" with the children despite evidence he picks and chooses. And anything they take from my house to his disappears and never comes back. And he doesn't contribute towards any of their costs like school trips or dentist etc.

Just reading some of the comments now and some of you need to talk to my daughters! They like having 2 bedrooms! They’ve each got a different theme in each one. One of my dds is quite intense so the other loves being able to get away! They have double stuff for everything, no carrying about. My house is quite quiet, but their dad’s is quite a party house so they will pick and choose depending on mood. No exact percentage split, just whatever they want.

That's looking at it from the parent's pov.

The crux of the OP's post was whether parents are being selfish in assuming 50/50 is best for the child.

Fwiw, I agree with her.

The relationship between the parents is definitely a major factor in what can work and how children will respond to it. I'm separated but we still live in the same house exactly because neither of us could bear not being with our daughter half the time. But we're fortunate in that because we get on. If we didn't, it would be more difficult to make any split of custody work well for her. My own parents didn't hate each other but then my stepdad got involved and it all went to shit. So sometimes it's also the situation you're in.

2-2-3 sounds like a brutal schedule, that sounds completely chaotic. Week about would be much better because your not dragging stuff back and forward every few days.

Not all men avoid paying for their children. Every family is different and i know of two who pay for everything even though they don't get the child benefit. These men pay for their school clothes, school trips, sports lessons and the travel to from the lessons because on the week they don't have them they still do the sports stuff. They are both very good with things like homework and being involved so the kids have what they need.

I left my ex because he was so abusive I was completely suicidal
I don't think that was selfish of me.

It's not 50/50 that's the problem, it was your parents. It works for some families, not for others. I think it should be what's best for the child(ren), and of course that can be different for everyone.

Same. It shouldn't be about what the parents want, it should be about what is best for the children

The simple way to know the answer to this question is to ask adults if they would like to do this. Most answer no. Sure we might spend weekends in a different house or stay over with a friend/lover but not the continual to and fro every week-no main home or place to just be.