Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

She’s one of those people who when you go out to dinner, always wants to pay last because she knows everyone else will round up and she will get her meal cheaper than it is on the menu 😂. I see the humour it in now as I’ve known her for so long but I can understand why others don’t.

Add me to the list of people who see no humour in this. She is stealing from the wait staff.

You deserve better friends. Bin her off.

I remember that one it was fabulous. 😂😂😂Didn’t he call in sick? I know she mentioned on office junior came over to her desk and left her a hot chocolate.

I have a similar story. We weren’t invited to the party but we were at a softplay session for special needs children. We had to get tickets in advance to take them. So children started turning up for a party softplay said there’s no party here today this is an exclusive soft play session for SN. Then the mother and child turned up totally kicked off and demanded they be allowed in. She had used the softplay invites even tho she hadn’t booked. She got her way and the kids totally took over the whole place. Our kids didn’t enjoy it. The sessions allowed for children over 10 to go. They used to do SN sessions every few weeks. But after that incident they never did another.

As other OPs have mentioned.... Could there be some deep rooted psychological damage there? Was she dirt poor as a child or something maybe, so this has affected her adult life?

Either that, or she was just raised to be a tight arsed CF by her own parents, so is carrying on the trend.

My Dad's wife is and always has been a CF, tight and money grasping. They live in Lytham and rent out several properties now so I guess it paid off for them. My Mum said she was the butt of all the other school mum's jokes though when her 2 sons were kids with her CF'ery.

I imagine she has been blasé when you have called her out on previous occasions as she has not suffered any real world consequences for her actions.
This time it’s different though and that is why she is pissed.
Sounds like SIL and yourself have told her the score, not only does she not like it but she is having to face up to the consequences. No one is on board going forward with her cheeky fuckery. She might have got away with it in the past as it was family she was doing it to but now it’s others parents not related they are not going to stand for it.
So not only will very few if any be at the “party” but she’s between half a dozen and a dozen presents down that her child would get or she could use for regifting. Must be a shock for her she will eventually have to pay for presents for her own children.
Going forward she’s screwed herself as people don’t want other parents bringing all their kids to a party, and having the brass neck to take a doggy bag home, especially in light of her cheapskate idea of a party.

Might try that as likely cheaper and at least you get better choice of food.

When my DD was young it was the done thing to pay for the place of all the children you had invited, plus food, birthday cake and also goody bags. I can’t imagine how she’s got away with it for so long. No wonder people don’t go. Her poor kids. She wouldn’t have got away with it around here. She’d have been the talk of the village.

She sounds absolutely vile! I simply wouldn’t tolerate this, it’s a shame it’s her children who will suffer when they are left with no social life as a family. I have to agree with PP, in the case of the leaving a tip example she is literally a thief and shameless at that. What an embarrassment of a woman. I would be shamed to be associated with her and can’t possibly imagine what any redeeming qualities could be!

If this woman has been taking her kids to other people’s parties for years she knows exactly how it works and must surely have some idea of what her behaviour must look like to others. What exactly is she upset about, the idea that she can no longer get away with abusing other people’s hospitality and generosity, which is what she’s doing? You say money is no object, but even if it was she could do better than that and make a little tea party at home. She needs to be told that her behaviour is unacceptable and insulting.

The friend is appalling, mean and steals tips!

I really wouldn't want this woman in my life, or my kids lives, as the OPs kids will start to notice that she gives them crappy presents, they're not allowed to eat her kids' nirthdsy cakes, and I imagine that if your kids are in hers and they get hungry, they might get a stale cracker.

No one treats friends the way she treats you - you're handy, you pay your cut of the bill first so she can essentially pocker the tip you left the waitress, you'll sit and look at the birthday cake you and your kids can't eat, as you're not family, you will literally 'pay to play' to attend her kids's birthday parties. None of this is funny.

Why do you spend any time with someone who doesn't respect you and your kids?

I’ve never heard the likes of it in all my life !
I can’t get past she doesn’t buy her own children any Xmas presents , so what friend’s & family sort Santa ??
She doesn’t buy them a birthday present , her own children , she doesn’t sound at all like someone I would like in my life ..
I’m sorry but that’s a reflection on what kind of a person she is ..
She can’t be great if that’s the way she is with her children ..
Do they not get to have ice cream ever at the beach ? , cinema , swimming pool? days out & McDonalds ?
You say she has money so it’s not financial hardship , so she denies her children nice memories growing up , basically never doing anything nice for them
Sorry but it goes beyond being tight , she’s not nice
What kind of a person takes their child’s toy from them & gifts to someone else ??
As her children grow up she will give them feelings of embarrassment, & they will look back & think what an awful childhood they had never having anything when they were growing up when there was no call for it …

In this actual example, I wasn’t referring to all the tips that would go to the waiter. This was a different time when we put a cash tip on the table (she didn’t obviously, said she had no change), but the actual bill was paid by card, my meal was say £19.24 so I rounded it up to £20, everyone else did the same and she wanted to pay last because everyone else’s ’round ups’ meant her meal was cheaper. Does that make sense? Now a few people have mentioned it though, I do get where you are all coming from, because even after leaving the cash tip, the extra 80p I put in was intended to just go to the staff and not my friend.

I understand it completely and I would not spend any time in the company of someone who does that.

Exactly.

Stealing from lower paid workers is one step away from stealing from a charity box as no doubt she would say "they get government grants which I pay for in my taxes, so it's mine anyway"

How can you even call her a friend? She is an experienced thief who has no shame in letting her friends and family suffer.

No no, she was not dirt poor. Far from it. I’ve known her my whole life and there is a lot of money in her family! I really do mean ALOT (probably not far off a mill maybe even more). I know people have said I’m nasty for backstabbing her on her, but I haven’t named her so I may as well just be completely transparent with everything. Her family owns a very successful local business and also own their own house in a nice part of town which they rented out. However they all crammed into a tiny council house (there was 9 in 3 bed) which was under her grandmas name. So up until grandma died about 4/5 years ago they (her parents) were benefiting from council rent etc. Her mum has never worked so has claimed benefits her whole life, her grandma never worked either so also claimed benefits which meant their outgoings were very small in comparison to the average household after all the relevant housing benefits etc they received. All of this was while her dad who owned the house and business was pocketing all the money from that. I’m not sure how they got away with it, I would imagine dads address must have been put down as the house they own, because with the money he was bringing in, there is no way her mum would have been entitled to any benefits based off of the household income, but that’s a whole other thread in itself. I wasn’t aware of this until grandma passed away and my friend needed help with trying to allow her parents to remain in the council house.

In general though they were always very tight with cash, have loads of it but would only shop in primark (when it used to be dirt cheap in the 90s/00s), only buy the supermarket own brand food which again at the time wasn’t really something most people did unless they needed too, no holidays etc. In some ways her parents acted like they were poor, but weren’t and this is where she has got it from.

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this I think. You are right, the previous times she’s been tight it hasn’t had a massive impact on her. I’ve said something, she’s laughed it off and we’ve moved on. Now it impacting her children, she’s upset.

This is the thing, and formed part of the conversation which let to this thread being posted. I said to her ‘when have you ever had to pay to attend someone else’s party?’, I listed off several that we’ve both been too, and that’s when she started to get really annoyed with me. She knows you don’t charge, she’s just got away with it. I’m not helping the situation because I obviously attend but I do it for her kids as I’m genuinely worried no one else will turn up and I couldn’t live with that on my conscience. Her kids deserve to have friends at their party. I have been speaking to my husband a lot about it since she fell out with me and we have both agreed that next year we won’t be taking our oldest if she charges. I can’t imagine it will be a soft play party as the one locally which she always choose so she doesn’t have to spend money on petrol is more suited to toddlers. I would say even at 7 (this years party) it’s pushing it for the size of it (there’s no big slides or anything like that there). I’m certainly not going to be paying £20 for bowling or some other kind of activity.

All of this was while her dad who owned the house and business was pocketing all the money from that.

This is so beyond CF - she comes from a family involved in benefit fraud. Did her parents end up staying in the council house? Her parents could afford their own home yet she was happy to facilitate them staying in the there, meaning someone else in need wouldn't get the house. That’s not cheap, that’s disgraceful.

Not really no. If they have a McDonald’s they have to share a adult meal, same with things like ice creams, she will buy 1 large whippy for example and the kids will share it and that’s the same anywhere she goes, she will only buy 1 of something and the kids have to share it. Wasn’t so bad when they were small and had small appetites but the oldest is 7 and more than capable of eating a whole ice cream. Overall they very rarely go anywhere other than the local park or somewhere where she can pay for the oldest and get the younger ones in for free (even though they are too old for the free ticket, she’ll lie about their age to get them out of paying). She went to a caravan site a couple of years ago and the kids wanted a character toy - think it was Rory the tiger or one of those. They weren’t allowed the normal sized teddy, they could only have the small one as it was cheaper, and that money was given to the kids by me, so they could get something as I knew they wouldn’t get anything otherwise. I really was not happy about that and made her buy them something else with the £3 and take a picture of them with it to show me she’d done it.

I really struggle at times because I avoid as many days trips as I can with her as I can’t stand how tight she is with her own kids, but then I also feel the need to go occasionally so I can force her to treat her children as I can’t stand the thought of them never being able to have their own ice cream or something like that especially when I know she isn’t strapped for cash. I will just tell her to stop being so tight and buy them one each and she will sometimes give in to peer pressure if I do.

Re the birthday/xmas presents thing, it’s awful I agree. I couldn’t believe it when she told me and that was another nail in the coffin that prompted me to stop the gift giving between us.

Only for about a year, until the council managed to kick them out, they fought it though! Oh I totally agree with everything you have said there. I was really ashamed of the whole family when I found out.

In my experience parents of multiples often like/expect a discount. As if other parents don’t have other siblings that may also be costing them money at the same time.

I can completely understand where all of you are coming from and if I’m honest if I had met her a couple of years ago I absolutely would not be friends with her because in general her behaviour when it comes to money is not my type of person. It’s a really tricky relationship for me to explain. However, I have literally known her my whole life, we went through school together and we both personally have been through a lot at different stages of our lives and we have always been there for each other during those times which has created a really deep bond between us. We speak (up until this falling out) several times a week. Our relationship is very much more of an emotional one as opposed to a physical one, and what I mean by that is I have another group of friends who I go on holiday with, weekends away with, expensive meals, go shopping with and do day trips with both on our own and with our husbands and kids. I don’t do this with this particular friend because money is always an issue. She always wants to stay in the cheapest place she can find and go at the time of year when the season is over and nothing is open, just because it’s cheaper. For me, I go on holiday for a bit of luxury, not 5 star luxury, but certainly won’t be staying somewhere that is in worse condition than my house. For her, that doesn’t matter as long as it’s cheap. I’ve been on holiday with her once in the past and I haven’t repeated it since, that was nearly 15 years ago. But we do meet up for walks and picnics at the local park that kind of thing. Apart from her issues with money, she is a lovely person (I know most will disagree), so I personally avoid putting myself in situations where I know money will be spent for that reason. It’s why I stopped the gift exchanges years ago and all that other stuff. My kids don’t see hers very often, it tends to be birthdays, a play date before Christmas round someone’s house, a day out during the summer to replace Christmas/birthday presents and maybe one other time throughout the year. My oldest is now only really just old enough to notice her tight arse behaviour which is why I stopped the presents years ago when they were too young to notice they were getting some regifted rubbish.

This thread really has opened my eyes though to her behaviour overall. I would never have described her as a thief and in the past found her behaviour quite amusing at times (eye roll and laugh it off type of reaction) but now so many of you have pointed out what I haven’t been able to see, (probably because I’ve known her for so long), I’m starting to view her differently. I have alot of thinking to do actually, it’s really put into perspective for me that this behaviour is far beyond the realms of normal.

I’ve never understood the discount for twins or triplets. Unless they are conjoined twins, they are still two seperate people, taking up the space of two seperate places, so why they would expect a discount I have no idea. It’s always baffled me.

It's possible to like someone and recognise they're a CF; which OP's friend is.

I think this is one of those threads that’s gonna end up in the daily mail 😬