Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

🤣🤣🤣

@Candystripes85 - she reminds me of a parent at my kids primary school. When it came to the leavers party, one parent dealt with everything and gave us an amount to contribute which was split equally between 30 kids.Reasonable amount. Nothinh silly.One of the parents (tight CF) said why should she pay double just because she has twins.

I’m not sure on the exact number because I know her in laws aren’t on the WhatsApp group but I know there were 8/9 school friends and 4 friends kids. Then the cousins (not sure how many were invited as they are all different ages). I’ve tried to give the benefit of the doubt over the years, but unfortunately I can’t see how she can attend 7 years worth of parties thrown by other people for free and not understand she doesn’t have to pay for her own.

She sounds horrific. You did nothing wrong in answering her question / pointing out the reason why if she was ranting. The point of any party is to in some way actually "host". Otherwise, as you say it is a playdate.

Which would be fine if she were up front about it - funds are tight, we are getting together at X to celebrate with Y. I will bring some party food for the kids but unfortunately can't cover the entrance tickets.

I suspect she is actually cheesed off because she now doesn't have the numbers attending so her own kids go free.

Yeah, you're not wrong. I guess if you just frame it as a birthday playdate and don't bring a gift, just a card, it might seem reasonable? Idk, it seems not to most people and it's clear OP isn't fond of the woman concerned.

Just as well she doesn’t have twins, because this would be her! Haha

You’re right, but she hasn’t framed it that way. I’m not sure what you aren’t understanding. She sent out invites to a party, waited for the RSVPs and then sent everyone a link to pay for their own place. I know there won’t be any food etc as I go her kids ‘birthday get togethers’ every year so I know the drill.

I love my friend dearly. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have told her truth and I would have declined the invite. Just because I think she’s tight, doesn’t mean I don’t like her 😂.

I know you're saying she's nice in other ways, but I genuinely could not be bothered to maintain a friendship with someone like that.

I have not done the organised party bit before and just paid for a few friends to go sonewhere, but I have still paid for entry and food and not called it a party, more of a 'meet up'. I think you either commit hundreds to a proper party or you do something smaller and call it something else. I'd never expect anyone to pay for anything, or expect any gifts, but would give gifts in this scenario myself. I think calling it a 'party' was a bit of an error really.

Thank you. I do understand. I was just trying to think of a way I might frame it in my own mind to make it acceptable. It clearly isn't and I hear you. X

I've just read over your post again. Your friend is tight it's been going on 7 years. I would leave her to it and just decline the invite.

We used to go out as a group of 4 couples 20+ years who now (pre kids). One of the couples used to do that. They’d order 3 courses each, usually the most expensive choices, also drank considerably more alcohol than everyone else - they’d suggest ordering wine for the table (I don’t even drink wine), as well as their own spirits, then drink 75% min of the wine too as they’d usually suggest it AFTER everyone had ordered their drinks. They’d insist on splitting the bill 4 ways (I used to have only a main course, often the cheapest on the menu and only a couple of soft drinks as driving) then take the money up to the bar to make the payment. We’d all add 10% per couple as a tip - they would NEVER leave a penny when the payment was made, so probably £20-£30 worth of tips from everyone else subsidised their meals. We did get them to agree to each pay for what we’d had, which meant they were closer to paying their share, but they still stole the tip if done that way. No-one else seemed bothered though, but I’d worked as a waitress in a pub before and to think of a group stealing a tip that was almost as much as I was earning for the whole shift didn’t sit right with me. And it is stealing. It’s not just cheeky fucker territory. It’s no different to if you left £20 cash on the table for the waitress to collect and then someone nipping back to pocket it themselves.

Why do you want to be friends with this woman? This isn’t a nice trait to have. If things were tight financially it’s very different, but this is just awful to read. I get you don’t want her kids to have a ruined party - but maybe that’s what she needs? Otherwise her kids will grow up to think this is normal and go on to do it too. If everyone pulled out and told her why, she would either need to disappoint her kid or admit she’s wrong and pay for an actual party. To continue to enable her is actually a disservice to her kids. Oh and when she turns up for a party with her other kids in toe, you turn her away. Tell her you didn’t realise she had no childcare, not a problem as you can watch little Cedric and to come back at 4pm to collect. If she tries to insist on staying you say you’re sorry but you haven’t catered for parents or siblings & don’t have the space for them. Say you’ve had to say no to another parent so you’re sure she understands you can’t say yes to her. The point is, someone has to stand up and start telling her she’s a pisstaker of the highest order. You all have to stop letting her take you for utter mugs.

I agree @Tillow4ever I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. Tight and mean spirited go together. People skimming dinner tips off their friends is vile low life behaviour.

Wow! Yes this is a similar situation but on a lesser scale. We very very rarely go out for dinner with her and her husband now (mainly due to childcare), but as I get older I find it harder to bite my tongue. Her husband is always embarrassed by it, but he just laughs it off for an easy life.

She is one of my oldest friends and when money isn’t involved she is such a lovely person. I just tend to do things with her which don’t involve exchanging money in anyway. We don’t exchange gifts at Christmas or birthdays because of issues we’ve had in the past involving money. You are right, and I know that. My husband told me we should decline to teach her a lesson, but I just can’t help feeling that the only person it would hurt would be her child, and I just can’t do it. I will definitely consider not allowing the younger ones to come to my son’s party next year though. They are too young to really enjoy what my son wants to do anyway.

Good luck - I can see why you are choosing to go ahead and attend this “party” for the sake of the child, but I would genuinely think for the future about whether you want to help set her kids up for a lifetime of limited friendships (if she gets the message now, it might stop the friends dropping off going forwards, or as adults they won’t find people declining dinner invites because they know they are tight too) but just going along for an easy life… or if you start declining too.

Could you even show her this thread to show her unbiased opinions on what she’s doing?

YANU for being friends with a tip stealer.

The truth hurts and she will know you are right. Dont worry about it . You have been honest. Leave it with her. See what happens.

Well, I wonder if she will make the same mistake for her child's 8th?! Probably, some people never change.
Nice one for telling the truth though, I wish people did it more often.

Wow this is so baffling, you’re a good friend to tell her how it is, she needs somebody to talk some sense into her! I truly never get somebody being tight but being ok to take so much from others? If they were tight but also didn’t take from others that would make more sense but to think “I’m not ok with spending my money but I’ll take from other people no problem” is truly so baffling. I feel sorry for her DC. Please do stand strong and tell her exactly how it is because it’s not fair on her DC. I’m mortified for her tbh.

I would find this behavior hugely off-putting! I can't imagine she has many friends. If I were her I would make up with you real quick, as I can't think of too many people who would be able to see past this awful self-serving and extractive behavior and find a 'lovely' person behind it!

She sounds dreadful. I could not be friends with a CF like this, no matter how long I knew them. I'll bet she is the talk of the school with this one.

At 7 years old, lots of kids are still having parties where they invite the whole class. I would worry for her kid that as they get older, and parties are limited to five or six friends doing a more expensive activity, her child gets no invitations to anything. I can imagine she gets spoken about in the playground and it's not gone unnoticed. Very different if they clearly don't have much money but that's clearly not the case here.

She does know how parties work OP said her kids attend other children's parties. OP was correct to point out why others are not attending.
What she had invited the children to isn't as party in any sense of the word.

Ooooh this is an interesting one. Partly because I’m not sure what you’re really asking…

• You are of course not being unreasonable.
• Of course her behaviour is wrong.

but. Assuming you love her as a friend (no one’s perfect and even the worst CFs are sometimes lovely in other ways mumsnet!)

• When you see her or speak next the only thing with situations where you sense you’ve annoyed someone is to ask them - “I think I upset you last time. Do you want to talk about it?”
• Assuming you have an opportunity, it might be a good time to explain, with absolute love and kindness, how her behaviour comes off. Something like ‘look, I totally understand why it might seem like madness that people pay a lot of money for kids’ parties. But people do, and the fact your kids do attend them and then you don’t pay anything at all in response probably doesn’t seem like good form to other people, as it’s just not the way its done. Of course the cost to attend the soft play isn’t much, but I get the sense that people are more upset by the principle of the thing…’

By the way one of the local mums round me is like this. Absolutely minted and so tight. My kid went to one of her kids’ parties and it was diabolical. Just water and a bag of crisps in a bare room like a prison for 2 hours. He found in a cupboard a lovely looking cake and balloons and things and the granny slammed the door on him and told him to leave it alone (he was only looking!) because it was for the ‘real party for family’ later. So I can tell where the mum gets it from 🤣

Yeah if she was skint it would be a different story, we once had an invite to a party in the town park, the kids played games and we all brought our own picnic. The kids actually had a fab time and the birthday child got a party when they otherwise wouldn't have had one.

I can't defend your friend though, she's just being incredibly tight. It's usually the sign of someone not being a very nice person.