Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

I’m surprised they haven’t tried dine-and-dash yet - maybe they will and end up with the cctv in the tabloids.

JFC they are a family of benefit cheating crooks. So her parents owned a house but lived in a council house which they managed to keep after the grandmother died? A genuinely poor family will have been allocated some damp and mould infested temporary accommodation due to the lack of council housing while your friend's parents were squatting in a council house that they had no right to while owning a business and a property? Their daughter is obviously following in their footsteps.

Honestly, take her sulking as a massive win and cut off all ties with her. You have been friends for a long time but she is genuinely a bad, selfish and greedy person who thinks nothing of cheating waiting staff in restaurants and her friends so long as she never needs to put her hand in her own pocket.

Ha, that isn’t a party at all. As if anyone is cheeky enough to bring a birthday cake and not allow any of the children to eat any as well. She’s nuts.

I’m sure the Mail would be willing to pay her for an article explaining herself with pix of all the kids sharing one ice cream.

I’m not helping the situation because I obviously attend but I do it for her kids as I’m genuinely worried no one else will turn up and I couldn’t live with that on my conscience. Her kids deserve to have friends at their party.

You are not being the good friend you think you are.

You are enabling her to put herself before what is going to help her children in the long run.

Pull right back, say if she wants you there you will freely give your time, effort, petrol... but you won't pay to get in. If she wants her children to have friends there, she pays the entrance fee.

Edit - or their father, who can stop being a pathetic wet blanket, and step up for his kids.

You’re not being unreasonable, it is annoying, but I would still go along with her plans for the sake of her child. I couldn’t bear to think of her daughter sat there wondering why her friends didn’t turn up. I would just accept her for the way she is and go along with it.

That's appalling behaviour. Stealing from the waitress literally. Way round is to give waitress a money tip (collection at the end after all have paid by card - make sure to have some change) so that she can't do that. That's not mean, that's stealing.

I still don't see why this is just a her problem. It sounds like the husband is pretty pathetic. They are his kids too. There are some families who genuinely have no money for parties, days out, food out and so on where they might have to share if they do have a one off treat but this sounds ridiculous sharing one ice cream. You keep saying about your friend but her husband must be as bad for allowing this. Why doesn't he dig in his pockets and buy the children presents? He lives in the same house I assume so would know what toys they already have and what they would like. If they go out for the day does he no lt say he is buying everyone an ice cream?
I don't think I could be friends with either of them as this is not how I would choose to live. I would rather meet friends who tell me they can't afford ice cream so no one buys any that day than go out with someone being tight that they allow ice creams to be bought but then shared between multiple children.

Yes. They got away with it because the council house was in the grandparents name. I’m sure her dad was listed under another address as his income and savings would have made the household ineligible for UC. The council tried to kick them out when grandparent died but they kept raising disputes etc and tried to put the house in her mums name instead because she has never worked either and also claimed benefits, but they said no eventually. That process took a year. They were very smart with it all from the beginning, and had 30+ years of rent free accommodation as it was all paid for with housing benefit. Imagine how much money you could save if you didn’t have to pay rent or a mortgage!

You’re not wrong. I think he does it for an easy life. I have seen them argue before over things like this, but if he does try to do something she will get angry at him and cause a scene for being disrespectful and embarrassing her etc, so I just think he doesn’t bother anymore. It’s not right, but I just don’t think he can be bothered with the fight. I think both him and the kids suffer in their own way but of course he is an adult and can actually say no!

Then perhaps I would be asking your husband to check in with him (you mention they are friends) as maybe he needs support to leave her.

I actually think you were being kind by telling her! It’s grabby and I feel sorry for her child! I would go out of guilt for her poor child as well.

The children are growing up, they are going to hear things at school and they are going to realise how lacking their home life is compared to their friends. And their friends may well say things like "My mum won't let me come to your party because she says yours is greedy". They are not necessarily going to grow up thinking they want to behave the same. The mother is storing up a lot of trouble. Why can't she just be told? So what if she screams and makes a scene? That is classic bullying distraction to get her own way. Just leave her to it. And if you all go out for a meal decide beforehand among yourselves that when the bill comes you all tell her that she can pay first. And don't let her get away with some silly excuse. Sit there till she gets out her wallet. Strength in numbers.

I agree with you. My child has attended 3 party's at soft play centres and parents had played for everyone. They also had food set up outside on the grass along woth the cake which was dine at set time so they could clean up the food and than go back to play. (no outside food allowed inside). Most also organised party games still like parce the parcel.

Also to comment, I do bring my younger daughter or older son to attend their friends birthdays, but only becasue they are in parks and I also allow them to bring siblings to my children's parties. My oldest is 7 and youhest is 2 and at all parties I have the parents either ask us it OK to bring so and so sibling or some that I know have siblings I let them know that it's OK for siblings to go. I always make sure the siblings get a party bag too.

I’m not helping the situation because I obviously attend but I do it for her kids as I’m genuinely worried no one else will turn up and I couldn’t live with that on my conscience. Her kids deserve to have friends at their party.

See, this is where I think she needs to really learn a lesson. She deserves to see her kids distress due to the result of her grotesque money pinching and thieving ways.

I understand you have compassion for her children but at this juncture, and given her silent treatment, I would not be attending this non-party.

Her kids, her problem.

I really struggle to understand the complete lack of social awareness of social norms that the OP's "friend" is displaying.

Is she really that thick/thick skinned/self absorbed?

She's a freeloader. Simple. And a miserly one at that!

The sharing of the ice cream is absolutely unbelievable IMHO.
I have four kids and days out where my escape. We lived on a shoestring literally but not once did my kids share an ice cream.
Mum can I have an ice cream?
No not from the van let me find an Iceland or similar and you can have that
Yes they wasn't always happy with that option but they never shared an ice cream.

But sharing one that's beyond tight I think.
I'd rather not buy any than make my kids share one

Oh and regarding the paying for parties again we always paid for children to attend.
Our children were only allowed parties on years they were odd lol so 5 7 9 11 and 13.

Our kids birthdays are quite close together and this way we had the youngest and eldest having parties one year and the twins the other . Sounds bizarre now but again limited budget and it worked for us.

Mine are all grown up now and I've not had any complaints well not about the parties anyway 😁

She sounds like she’s either got a psychological problem with zero self awareness and empathy or she’s just a greedy bxxxh.

Wait, so she doesn’t doesn’t buy her children birthday and Christmas presents because they will receive from other people but then the gifts they receive from other people she doesn’t even let the kids have because she’s saving them to regift???? Do her children get gifts at all? This is just sad. She sounds like a horrible mum. There’s frugal, then there’s tight and then there’s this. I don’t even know what to call this!

I think I'd be taking this fall out as an opportunity to end the friendship. At the very least I wouldn't be rushing to contact her first and I'd be standing my ground. Hopefully she'd take it as a wake-up call, which would be kinder for her kids than just putting up with her behaviour and turning up to these 'parties' for her kids' sake 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'd rather have no friends than friends like that.

I did a party at soft play last years. Yes totally rip off I told all the parents in advance that this year it wasn’t a party but that I would pay for the kids and one parent to get in and pay for the kids to have a meal. One of the parents brought their younger child and I paid for that child too but did explain that if was only suppose to be for her dd who was in my dd class not the younger one but I would do it this once. I feel like if it’s my child’s birthday then I should pay. They also had party bags and cake to take home. But everyone does things differently I guess.

So she abuses her husband and children, is a clearly a thief.
Comes from a family of low life's that lie, have committed benefit fraud for years?

Yes you do have a lot of reflecting to do on the company you keep.🙄