Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

What does she do at other people's parties about presents for the child whose party it is, presumably she does buy them one?

She's getting a professional cake (that she won't be sharing).

You could host party games with a few bowls of crisps and cheese sandwiches at home for less than a professionally made cake.

I have no idea what her financial situation is but I don't think being broke is the cause of the PAYG party in this case.

Some people are just like this aren’t they. I remember when DD was 5yrs in Reception, we held a whole class party in a hired church hall, with a bouncy castle and we took all the party food etc. We didn't know hardly any of the parents as it was late September, and obviously at that age when most were still only 4yrs, the parents needed to stay as otherwise there were way more kids than adults (just me and husband). All good except one mum turned up, dropped off two kids (both from DD’s class, but not both her kids) and then left “to go shopping”. Only came back 2.5 hours later for them at pick up. The other child bought a card and present but the mum and her child didn’t, and she just stood there and watched as the other girl handed it to my DD . I thought it was quite bizarre. Definitely not struggling financially either, I knew they lived in a house worth more than £1m. Then when it came to her DD’s birthday, she told my DD “sorry I can’t invite you to my birthday as my mummy says we don’t know you very well”. Happy to use us for free childcare a few months earlier though. Cheeky cow 🫤

Had a similar situation in the summer- the mum is more of an aquaintence than a friend. Her DS has now attended two of my DS's parties where her and her DH have turned up and filled their boots with the kids party food and left my DS a shocking present that must have cost 2 quid at most. Like you say if they were struggling for money i would understand but no explanations are given and they quite frankly appear to be the opposute of struggling!

Her kids coming to your kids parties in the future is really simple to resolve. Send her a payment demand for their places! It doesn't even matter that you're not asking for money from everybody in the group - if she queries or gets upset you can just say that you through this was the deal now, given that she charged for her last child's birthday.
She won't pay, and you won't have to host them - job's a good un.

In general though, Cheeky fuckers get upset when they get called out on it because they rely on not being called out on it. Fair enough maintain your friendship; if it's decent enough it'll withstand your honesty, and if it doesn't, it was only ever based on how much she could extract from you anyway.

YANBU, a couple of times I've had a "party" at soft play where I've just invited the kids rather than pay for the party room etc, but I've paid entry for them and bought them drinks and snacks, which is still a lot cheaper than the official party price. It's probably best she knows why people don't want to come, as she's gone about it the wrong way

I don't think your friend sounds lovely.

I have let friendship end over people subsisting their own bill and stealing the tip.

First time was a childhood friend, we are now very low contact. Their meanness to save for themselves and out for all they can get from other people was tiresome. The straw that broke the camel's back was extreme lateness to an important event. my DC was really upset.

The other time, we went out with three other couples, our DC and their friendship group. One couple paid little to no attention to their holy terror. They stole their meal and the waitress tip. When I spoke to the husband he feigned confusion about how cheap it was for his family. No reparation or offer to make it right. No more play dates, didn't go for dinner with them ever again, no guilt for me.

I am surprised no one else has called her out on this, but I guess people don't like confrontation.

Surely she notices when no one comes to the parties?

This reminds me of a friend who threw an 'engagement party' in a park, then didn't have a single bite of food for guests, or any drinks to offer out. No entertainment. Nothing. There wasn't even an effort to introduce us to other guests, who were distinctly unfriendly and she complained that my child played with a balloon. I very much regretted going and thought poorly of her for it.

Some people don't seem to realise that hosting means providing for their guests.

She will always regift something that has been bought for her kids that she didn’t want - sometimes not very carefully as she gave my DC back the present we bought for hers. Also when my DC was born, gave me a lovely hamper of expensive clothes that I thought was very odd, when I checked inside a white company outfit she had left a sticker on the tag where she had written the person who gave it to her originally. That was an interesting conversation😂. I’ve only known her to buy one actual present and that was because our other friend was very insistent she only wanted books from the big dreams, little people collection - so we all bought a couple of them for the kid.

One of my favourite threads on here was by an OP who worked with a cheeky fucker who, when they went out for team meals, always ordered three courses choosing the most expensive items on the menu plus loads of the most expensive alcoholic drinks. Other colleagues only had two courses and some just drank water but he always piped up at the end to suggest that they split the bill and his colleagues were too embarrassed to say anything

His colleagues got really sick of this and agreed between themselves that next time, they would all ask for separate bills. They did this (and told the serving staff beforehand that they all wanted separate bills) and they watched him order a banquet that Henry VIII probably couldn't manage to finish. Apparently, his reaction when he realised that he actually had to pay for everything that he had eaten and drank himself was priceless.

Mean people are the absolute worst and it's great when they get their comeuppance.

Funnily enough I found out today that she has fallen out with her SIL over it. The SIL is very feisty so I wouldn’t be suprised if she has told her she isn’t coming for that reason as well, which might be why she got upset with me. She probably thought it was her SIL being a bitch and then when I have unknowingly agreed by saying something similar, she’s gone mad at me. Parents at school probably wouldn’t dare to say anything to her. Last year she had the cousins attend as well so that bulked up the numbers but I’m sure there were only a handful of school friends. This year no cousins and only one school friend so I think she’s really going to notice it this year.

This made me smile! It’s always the greedy buggers who want to split the bill!

YANBU, CF behaviour has consequences.

What I actually don't understand is how can you ended up being friends with her and after all you know and saw still stay. It must be painful being just around her if she is so cheap. And it is absolutely awful saying this is a party invite, when it actually isn't. Show her in the dictionary what the meaning of a party is. And I don't mean "party!"

Just to add to my previous post - my husband and me are on a budget, as I'm staying at home with my child at the moment. We did a birthday party for him on a budget, so it was not as prebooked hall or activities, but basically food and cake. We invited only few my son is the closest with. One of the mums were expecting food will be for children only. She was surprised when I told her there will be food for everyone, as well drinks and cake. Plus I invited a friend whose mom is a friend of mine too and she is gluten free (mom) and halal. As the place was not able to provide gluten free and halal food for her, I asked her if she is happy to get something herself from wherever she wants to, which she did and we paid for it. As well we got her a small gluten free cake.
I would never invite anyone and expect them to pay.

Eurghhhh I could be be friends with someone like that. How utterly stingy abd embarrassing. The cheek of some people.

She sounds like a caricature fresh out of "Motherland".
Can't imagine why you're friends with her.

In a strange way people who regularly take advantage of other people's kindness/ work without reciprocating in kind are not aware that others step back from them in so many ways. They feel they have got a win whereas down the line they suffer big social value losses e.g. not being invited to certain events/ parties, no offers of help/ free favours, social avoidance, often being laughed at behind thd scenes for their mean ( not tight ways). Everybody sees the behaviour and acts accordingly to avoid.

She must be starting to care as she has now fallen out with you.

Well done OP, YANBU. This summer I learned something about the importance of dealing with CFs. I was on holiday on a group trip, a short overland kind of thing. The guide said we should rotate seats every day, because the seats which were best for comfort and views were at the front, and in the back you couldn't see as well, or hear the guide. However, one of the group took the front seat every day (running to the bus to be first, if needed ). This behaviour was noted, but most of the group thought to object would be petty, spoil the atmosphere, not worth it, etc. There was a lady on the bus aged 83 - former federal prosecutor in the US, smart, fit, solo traveller - in short an absolute superstar. She was adamant that we had to take a stand. If you don't call out entitled CFs, she said, you're enabling them and making it easier for them to normalise their behaviour, not just in the here and now but for the future as well, they take more and more and incrementally, society becomes that little bit worse. (She was a fierce Democrat and very passionate about this, I wonder if anything at home had triggered her recently?). A couple of us confronted CF and told her she was taking her turn at the back, which she accepted pretty meekly. But if she hadn't been challenged, undoubtedly she would have stayed in the best seat until the end, and some of us would have left the holiday full of very British unspoken resentment. Thanks to my Democrat friend, I won't let myself be put in that position again....

This - l could not be friend with such an unpleasant person

Just take a card and say that your child's presence is the present because attending the party cost what you would have spent on a present.

OP, I voted YANBU and I stand by it, but I genuinely don't get how you can describe this woman as lovely.

She is mean, selfish, self-centred, grabby, shameless, happy to steal from wait staff on minimum wage and treats her friends as walking ATMs to subsidise her lifestyle...

Surface nice maybe, but that's not someone I'd voluntarily spend even a minute with.

What I've taken away from this post is that she's not much of a friend and the way you've back stabbed her with your gossip, isn't what a friend would do.

This was my first thought and the more I read on things she’s done the more I was fuming, h r poor kids but the fact she’s stealing the waitresses tip every time and nobody has fucking said anything, that’s the worst part of this whole story, it’s actually pissing me off that everyone sat with her has allowed her to do this even once let alone numerous occasions, it’s vile behaviour, I genuinely can’t believe that woman has a single friend, this is the most toxic woman I’ve ever read about!!