Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

You would be unreasonable if you don't honestly tell her why people are not coming to her child's birthday party. Point out that nobody else throws a party and expects the guests to pay to attend. Explain that her DC is going to be even more excluded if she carries on with this behaviour. For the sake of the kids you need to be honest,

haha tbh I can sort of see her rationale for this - I was out with a big group of friends once and the waitress tipped sauce all over my (new) dress, badly staining it. I complained and she took 10% off the total bill which I thought was a bit unfair/pointless as there was nothing else wrong with anyone else's meal or service and £1.50 off my meal wasn't going to replace my dress! It was also bad sense from a business perspective too, as comping my whole meal would have been far less than taking 10% off the total bill as we were quite a large party.

If they'd instead offered us one discount voucher each I wouldn't have automatically taken them all like she did - but on the other hand if it had been my friend's dress ruined I probably would have suggested she take mine as I wouldn't consider myself in need of compensation, iyswim.

The softplay thing is incredibly tight though, particularly if she's happy to go along to everyone else's AND bring an extra child! Good for you for telling her. I can't believe she's willing to upset her child by having nobody turn up to his party, for the sake of a few quid.

I certainly wouldn't apologise for telling her why people aren't going to the party. But are you close enough to say something like 'Look Friend, you know I care for you and your DC and wouldn't want your child upset on their birthday, but I wonder whether you've not noticed that your party arrangements aren't what parents of school friends do, or expect. I completely agree that party packages can be a rip off, but I wonder if some of the people you've invited find it odd that they pay for your children to attend their child's parties but are being asked to also pay to come to your child's party. I think especially now that everything's so much more expensive people are being more careful about money and might have declined because of the unexpected expense.'

When my DC were small there was a parent very much like this. Finances were pretty tight for many of our friendship group so a few times a year we did a 'gathering' at someone's home for parents and DC (rather than going out somewhere) and everyone would bring some food to share. CF parent was one of the most wealthy but always brought something really cheap and requiring no effort (eg 1 bag of cheap crisps). She and her DH/DC would eat loads and then at the end asked to take home leftovers from the lovely things everyone else brought. They actually started coming prepared, with tupperware containers for the leftovers and putting their contribution back in their bag (saying it was clearly not needed as there was so much food already). I once witnessed her arguing at a soft play party her older DC had been invited to because she was told she needed to pay if her younger DC was staying- her argument was that she knew one other child who'd been invited was ill so she was claiming the 'spare' place. When she was told that the host wouldn't have to pay for the sick child she still argued the place had been budgeted for so should be given to her. At the same party, the parent had prepared named party bags with slightly different contents depending on the guest's age etc. CF sat next to the table where the bags were being set out towards the end and had to be stopped from 'rearranging' the contents. She was baffled as to why this was a problem- apparently her child already had/didn't like the contents included in his bag so she was just making it fair to him (each bag had one slightly more expensive item plus a few chocolate coins/sweets and a pencil- she swapped sweets/pencil from her DC bag for toys etc from others). She also took one of the bags labelled for one of the younger guests for her younger (not invited) child, on the basis that her younger child would be upset not to have a bag if her sibling did whereas the other young child didn't have a sibling so wouldn't feel jealous.

If I went I would not take a present. What a CF.

This person sounds utterly unbelievable! I hope she was stopped with the party bags caper.

It’s been framed as a party. She sent an electronic invite saying ‘you are invited to child’s party at soft play on this date and time. Please rsvp by date’. I wish Mumsnet would allow you to post a picture for 15 mins and then delete it as I would love everyone to see what it looked like, but I can’t risk posting it. You can buy invitation templates from Etsy for £2, she didn’t do that. She went onto google images and got something that already had been filled in, then blanked it out on her phone and put her text over it. It’s not even a high quality image so it’s all pixelated.

I’ve said a few times now that I’ve known her a very long time, so I know what to expect and it makes me giggle now when I get something because of how bad it is. But i did cringe when i saw it, i was actually embarrassed for her, knowing that random parents at the school who don’t really know her would be seeing the same thing as me and probably wondering what was going on.

YANBU, but this reminds me of a notorious party we attended a few years ago. Reception party, soft play centre, around 15 invited. We turned up at the desk to say we were here for the party. The poor teenager on reception had clearly had a few invitees in already and was getting used to the embarrassment of having to break the news that there was no party and we'd need to pay, not only for DC but also a charge for the accompanying adult.

So, party in full swing and the party child's parents called everyone over for tea. Except they had only ordered tea for their child so the others were sitting there watching the party child eat. Parents then started buying for food and drinks for their own children, which then lead to an unplanned rush on the kitchen and a long wait for food. Party child was already off playing again.

Needless to say, I declined future invites! We still bitch laugh about it now and the kids are year 6!

Oh wow! I had something similar on a hen do once. It’s so rude isn’t it. I don’t know how people have the guts to do it.

Wow she really turns her lemons into lemonade

It’s rude isn’t it. I just don’t understand how people can take advantage of their friends and family that way.

WHAT?! I read this and expected you to say that she would ask everyone for expensive gifts for her kids and give out all the junk she bought in the sales to everyone else’s. I didnt expect you to be saying she profited from it. People are shameless aren’t they?

No because I instead suggested to our friendship group that we take the kids out for a day out instead once a year to cover all their birthdays and Christmas presents. Somewhere like a farm when they were younger or the zoo, that kind of thing. That way everyone just pays for their own children to attend and no gifts are given.

I feel so sorry for her child who will be wondering why no one has come to his birthday party. Ultimately he will be the loser, not her, as he won't get any reciprocal invitations to other children's parties. Soft play parties are extortionate but you can always club together with other parents, or she could have said that she wasn't going to book the party package but would pay for everyone to go, watch over them and provide drinks and snacks. Or even just had some kids round to her house for a movie, snacks and a birthday cake. Generosity isn't about how much money you have, it's an attitude.

I had a friend like this (note the "had" part), in fact I'm surprised it's not the same person however you said she's nice whereas my ex-friend was a nasty person who never had anything to say unless it was slagging someone off.

My life improved greatly when I cut off all contact, just in case you wanted to consider it 😉

Omg and no one says anything to her about that? She’s stealing all your money for herself rather than it going to the staff! I would never go out for a meal with someone like that again 😱

I’ve been to a none party at a soft play but the mum paid for our entry and a sandwich box, much cheaper than a party price. But she still paid which I would expect. I don’t think I would attending either if I was invited to this party. Most kids party’s are a bit meh for the adults

Well it’s her choice how she wants to have the ‘party’ but she then has to deal with the consequence that it has meant less people will attend which is their choice. I don’t think you did anything wrong to tell her. I think she’s upset because either a) she genuinely thinks people should be falling over themselves to come or b) she knows you’re right.

Wow! The food scenario is exactly what it is like when we do get together. Always brings the Asda essentials tortilla chips but never comes with a dip to go with it 😂, and like you say will be quite happy to take everyone else’s food home.

I can’t believe the party bag thing and taking the space.

your friends behaviour is incredibly unattractive & soo off putting. What on earth do you see in her? Oh wait, you’ve been friends since your were kids… that explains that because if you’d met her say 7 yrs ago you would not be friends with her once you saw how tight she is. She can’t have many friends carrying on like that. If you like her so much (god knows how) then please do her but most importantly her kid a favour, call her out! Like at Halloween filling up her babies bucket with sweets for her older kids!… call her out ffs! She won’t like it, but surely you can’t just let these things slip? You’ve known each other a long time, surely if anyone can say it you can. I just can’t fathom how people can behave like this I really can’t.

Oh wow! How awful, especially as you couldn’t really say no at that point when your kids already dressed up expecting to go in. I guess the saving grace in my example, is at least she told people in advance the would be paying 😅

I feel sorry for her kids. So embarrassing and they will feel the social consequences as they get older. I understand you going for the sake of her child.

I get that you care for her, and I also think this is something verging on a disorder, or some deep rooted psychological damage. But I don't think you should feel bad about what you said, I don't think you should apologise, and I think you should call out the behaviour every time it happens.

I know someone like this and it is embarrassing and horrible for the child.

I have and it’s the reason I very very rarely go out for dinner with her anymore. The first few times we didn’t realise what was going on as she always paid last and would never specify how much she wanted to pay , she would just say ‘I’ll pay whatever is left’, then obviously you sometimes get the screens where you have to click yes for a tip and type the amount in, so we just presumed she was doing that but she was actually just putting her pin in. The time I caught her and said something, I was sitting right next to her at the table and saw what the waitress typed into the card machine and then I realised what she was up too.

It's not funny and all the things you've described her doing in your other posts are quite despicable. A good friend calls out unreasonable and nasty behaviour so yanbu in fact you should be saying more to her and challenging her behaviour. Her poor children.