Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

That is rude. She should have paid for the kids she invited and provided some sort of food box. otherwise it’s not a party. I’ve taken kids to the cinema and taken a party box for each kid.

However given her total lack of self awareness I’m also not surprised she fell out with you. Of course you are not being unreasonable but it’s also not surprising.

I do call her out. I’m the only one who ever does. The thing is, I will tell her these things but until this particular one with the party, she doesn’t really care. She’s not embarrassed by her behaviour as this is what her whole family do, she just shrugs it off and moves on. The Halloween sweets for example her response to that was ‘well people are giving them out to be eaten and they are free’. That’s her reasoning, she doesn’t understand that taking a bucket full of sweets so her older kids get extra isn’t the right thing to do. I tend to just roll my eyes and move on as well. Our husbands are very good friends as well and our kids like playing with each other, so if not impacting me directly I will say what I think and move on. It’s not worth the hassle for me.

Tbh she sounds like a taker and im unsure why you like her

Yes see this is more than acceptable to me. No issue with her not doing the actual party package as they are a complete rip off.

If she doesn't care about her behaviour then she clearly isn't going to change. I am not sure if I could continue being friends with her based on all the additional things you have said about her.

I also wouldn't be enabling this party. I would tell my own kids it's a playdate because it's Fred's birthday and you will take a card, but I would not be buying a gift. I appreciate you saying her children will suffer, but this is why she is getting away with this. What does her husband think? I assumed that she was a single mother!

Husband doesn’t say anything to her, but I know he is embarrassed. He just tends to stay out the way chatting to my husband or his family and lets her deal with all the face to face interactions. He has said to me in the past ‘you know what’s she’s like, I just stay out of it’.

She sounds a fucking nightmare and a complete CF !!! Did you say she doesn't buy her own kids presents ? What kind of fuckery is that ??? Those poor children and in years to come when her kids have ran far and fast from her tight arse I bet she can't fathom why !

I’d tell her it’s not surprising nobody wants to go to her child’s birthday party, because she has got herself a 100% justified reputation for abusing other people’s generosity, being a miser and being phenomenally self-centred. Not telling her the truth just harms her children, and she certainly doesn’t need to be protected from it, she needs to own it, because that is who and what she is. You have admitted she even behaves like this towards you, and you’re supposed to be her friend.

She's fallen out with you because she doesn't like hearing the answer. Honestly if she's not speaking to you & you're the only person who's paid to attend the party so far, I'd use this as a good opportunity to duck out. After this year she certainly won't get away with asking others to pay for their own kids at the cinema/laser quest/bowling, etc. Although tbh she doesn't seem to have got away with it this year...

He is also enabling this and is also a CF. Why not hold him to account too? If your husbands are friends can yours not intervene and say that his wife has become upset as you have pointed out people aren't going to sons birthday as they don't see it as a party by having to pay. Surely he could then intervene and either host it properly or scrap it and do something for family only if that's what they want.
He is just as bad by not putting a stop to it and they are both responsible therefore for the child being disappointed no one wants to go to their 'party'.

I had a friend like this would spend 200+ on a big fancy cake that absolutely no one was allowed to eat it was for show and when I asked her husband he they can eat so much cake he said 90% gets thrown away :/

That's horrible, she's stealing. Both from the waitress and her friends, who left it to the waitress and not her.

Honestly I would be so annoyed and disappointed if I turned up to a child’s party and was told I had to pay entry fee.. I’d pay it to save face and save my child being disappointed though.. I’d probably pay it if I knew if it was paid entry before the event if my child had seen the invite and would be disappointed but I wouldn’t be happy about it.

I organised my child’s birthday last year after she had only been at the school for a few months and I invited everyone in her class, got a very slow wave of RSVP’s back and I had to chase a couple of times in the GC but instead of leaving it for people to pay themselves I paid for all the kids places on the party and ordered all the children a hot meal and I ordered platters of sandwiches for adults and for children who didn’t their food and then tea and coffee trays for adults.

This came in handy as by the day some children still had not responded but people messaged me asking if they could bring siblings so I said yes and that we had meals etc. and no siblings went without food.

I also bought a family cake to blow candles out and then take home but I also ordered two sets of cupcakes so each child got their own cupcake and because of the no shows we had enough to give siblings and also took
some home as well

🤣🤣🤣

I think you are doing everything right by all accounts. You are still taking your child along and you just pointed out an obvious reason why many people won’t be. It’s very cheeky to expect others to pay. I had a mum friend when my son was young, she was really hard up for money and still paid the entrance but only invited a few as that’s all she could afford. If there was a lack of money she could at least do that, but this is just about being cheap. There are takers in this world & she is one of them.

Wow that is shocking to say the least. If I host parties then I set a number I can afford and then send out invites. No way would I dream of asking other parents to pay to attend my child's party. I'd stay clear of her.

If you invite someone to a party, you pay for the child. Full stop. If the person you invited starts asking for siblings to come, they pay. Never seen anything different to this and never been asked to pay to attend a party for either of my kids (ofcourse happy to buy any extra food/coffee for me/sibling at the venue if staying).

You can see this in our class too. Some people do smaller parties to suit their budget and I never mind if my child isn’t invited as everyone has a different limit on numbers and budget. We also have parents get together for joint parties which also helps save money and you can generally invite more when the cost is split.

If the Mum doesn’t want to pay for a party, have a few friends over, take a friend out for the day, have a sleepover, arrange a get together in the park after school with a few snacks but dont expect parents to pay for a birthday party!

I think you’re being a really good friend by sticking your neck out to tell her what is clearly on everyone else’s mind. One can only hope she’ll see the light at some point. And if not, you’ve done all you can. You can take a horse to water… Bless you for going for the DC’s sake.

I don't understand why her husband doesn't intervene if he's really embarrassed by it. There's nothing to stop him getting involved in arranging his children's parties and making it clear he will be paying for the guests entry and food. The same as going out for a meal with them as a couple. He can easily step in and be the one who makes the payment. If my dh was like your friend there's no way I could let it slide for an easy life. Especially when it's likely to have a negative impact on his dcs friendships. He's basically colluding in tanking his kids social life.

The thing is, and I mean this in the nicest way possible because he is also a really lovely person, but he’s a complete wet lettuce. She is in charge of everything, and I can totally understand why he doesn’t bother to try and bring it up. It’s the least of his worries, believe me.

I could not stomach the company of this vile thief and fail to see what could possibly be lovely about her.