Ex charging daughter for animal supplies

[StitchHappens]

My ex got a rabbit for our daughter (now 13) around a year ago. At the time she was spending half her holidays at his, and half of her weekends fri to sun, the others just on a Sunday. He had an agreement with her that she was to pay for everything the rabbit needed (food/bedding/treats/toys etc). I thought this was unfair as essentially the only way she had of funding this was the pocket money I gave her and her savings, however it was an agreement between them so I didn't interfere.
Since then he has started a business with his partner which means if my dd is there she has to be with them at the shop for the day. Due to this she has started just going to his late on a Saturday night and staying til 4 on a Sunday (when she has riding lessons there - which I pay for). This means she has very little time to spend with the rabbit, basically cleaning it out on a Sunday morning before leaving around 9.30am ish. Because of this he suggested that she bought the rabbit to mine, which i agreed to. Ex came in to discuss yesterday when he dropped her off and asked if we had everything we needed including a cage. I said i wouldn't be buying a cage as I was under the impression it was just a case of moving the rabbit from one house to the other. He then messaged my daughter last night and said he would bring the rabbit when she had transferred £60 for the cage/mats. Am I wrong to thing he is taking the piss?? Or is this between them? I am inclined to transfer her the money as u don't think he should be asking her for it. They got the rabbit for free and she has paid for everything it has needed for the past year.
Aibu?

Tell him she won't be transferring the money.

What he going to do with said rabbit?

If he gives it away he can explain that to his daughter and you will explain to her what financial abuse is.

Yes this is a hill.

He can raise it in court if he likes.

How old is your child? My sons all opened Natwest current accounts when they were old enough (11 I think) having had child savings accounts before. They couldn’t do bank transfers either - until they turned 13. After that, they couldn’t do transfers and add to Apple Pay on their phones. If your child is under 13, you might find their account changes at 13 as well.

You may have missed it, but she has already transferred the money

Tell him you've had professional advice and have been told that set up will not be suitable for the rabbit any longer and you've already bought another.
he can send the money back to his daughter and he's free to sell the cage if he wants to.

You can’t just shove two rabbits together and hope for the best. If you got the rabbit when it was young the breeder would not have insight to say this rabbit should be alone all its life. In fact, at any age they would be unlikely to make this judgement. There are places that pair rabbits up. Otherwise, you have to get a rabbit and introduce them slowly in neutral ground. They need to bond over time and be monitored closely when they do share the same territory until such times you can establish they are bonded. This has to be done carefully over time

Thanks this is really helpful information. Obviously i didn't get the rabbit in the first place, so it's all a work in progress at the moment.

Turning out to be one expensive rabbit op 😁

I'm sorry, I didn't understand the full situation. It must be extremely difficult. Hopefully your DD will see what he's like in time.
I guess the best option is to give her the money so she doesn't feel the effects so much of her dad's financial abuse. It's crazy how awful a parent can be to their own child. She's lucky she has you, and so is the rabbit.

Thanks. I'm sure she will see it in time. I have already transferred her the money, and told her she shouldn't have had to pay it in the first place.

🤣
Aren't they all. I fully believe they are worth the time and money though. I'd far rather spend my money on animals than clothes or holidays!

I’d buy a new cage, and he can keep,it, feck paying him for it, but I’d do it out of principal, even if it ended up being more expensive to buy the new cage.

So he's robbing you blind.

Fab.

You still should be saying it's not ok.

Saying things like "it's between them" is disturbing. This is a child... YOUR child you're supposed to be protecting. Her dad sounds like a cock.

How do I protect her? What has he done that wouldn't be classed as different parenting styles? He would say he was teaching her the costs involved in having an animal and responsibility. I disagree, but can't just barge into his home and involve myself in the arrangements he makes? She is 13, I cannot control her time at her dad's house nor can I stop her going if she wants to (she does). I didn't say it was between them, I said that was what he would say. I'm not sure how much jurisdiction you think someone has over their teens relationship with their ex partner?

Get a cage on free cycle and let him enjoy his rabbit cage.

I do think that you should make sure that you are talking about how inappropriate his actions and behaviour are. You don’t need to slag him off, just state things matter-of-factly. “It was wrong of him to demand money from you. No father should make his child pay for something he chose to buy for them.” If she tries to argue or get defensive of him don’t engage, just repeat that it was wrong. She needs to hear it.

Right now she’s learning that it’s okay for men to financially abuse her. Dad does it, so it must be okay. It must be normal. The damage might already be done if she jumps to sending him money so quickly but she at least needs to hear another perspective.

This.

She needs to understand what financial abuse is.

I have told her that he shouldn't be asking her for money, she is not old enough to make a financial agreement with anyone (by law), and that he was taking advantage. I have replaced the money, so she isn't disadvantaged. It's hard to balance, as i know she will switch off if she perceives it as criticism of him, but I also want to make sure she doesn't think I am angry with her, and she knows he was the one who was in the wrong, not her.

Because your rabbit should be able to roam around and you said your dog had a high chase drive.

Rabbits should really be kept indoors with lots of roaming time.

It would be able roaming around all of upstairs for most of the evening (4pm-9pm ish) weekdays, and Saturdays, as well as school holidays. Would this be enough do you think?

You're doing a brilliant thing for that poor rabbit and your dd @StitchHappens . Its life will be so much better with you.

Thanks. I really hope so!!

It sounds like moving the rabbit to yours will be a significant upgrade, I'd deal with that first and get things set up there.

Then consider if you want to carry on as you are, rehome, or see if the rabbit can have a neutered male friend. This is a risk of course, if a rabbit IS aggressive to members of their own species they are very capable of inflicting nasty injuries or even fatal ones, so you'd need a second set up and a very slow integration! You stand a strong chance of then having two rabbits who need all the same care, but can't be out together.

I would not take the breeders word for it that this rabbit absolutely cannot go with another rabbit though - it is highly likely that a rabbit breeders set up does not offer enough space or time for rabbits to form proper bonds with each other, and does encourage competition, stress and as a result, aggression. So their evaluation of the situation is very closely linked to the environment they were providing -yours is different and the outcome might well be very different too!

Thanks. I'm extremely wary of getting another without talking to someone in person first. Potentially I'd end up with 2 rabbits that couldn't be integrated, and having to buy another to keep the second company! It could get out of hand very quickly, and wouldn't be fair on any of the animals!

She shouldn't be having to pay for the rabbit, but she should also no longer have a rabbit. It needs rehoming; it's not being cared for properly at all and it needs a home with more space and more company - rabbit company, not just human. The breeder sounds dodgy as fuck.