Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

London is a fantastic place to be retired.

Many cultural activities at low cost - museums, afternoon concerts etc.

Various groups you can join to start making like minded pals - U3A, the senior community screenings at the Barbican.

Volunteer at a museum/gallery. Honestly, the love lives of the pensionable age volunteers at the museum are wildly more exciting than my own.

Make the most of life whether you stay married or not

How will you feel when your husband moves on with someone else? Will you be happpy for him? The new relationship’s he forms and your children form with his new family may make you feel left out. Will that be ok? If none of this bothers you then it’s probably time to rethink your life and move on.

The routine thing doesn't sound all that bad, you could carry on the marriage and enjoy being spontaneous without him.
Policing what his sons girlfriend wears though. WTF? Your poor son is lucky his gf stuck around. After reading that I thought this is probably more than a difference in how you both approach life, he sounds like a controlling misogynist.

I think you should have a few very serious conversations with your DH as a starter as it seems that he has no idea that you are unhappy. Why would he, when you have only just realised it yourself.
Maybe when faced with the seriousness of your unhappiness, he will actually make some adjustments which might be enough for you.

If he digs his heels in, then maybe he can at least understand why you feel differently and encourage you to have more time off from domestic life with him so that you can enjoy much more spontaneity without actually leaving him full time.

If that fails then you will have done all you can to prepare him for the shock of divorce, selling up and having to live without you accommodating his every whim and unreasonable preference.

Give yourself time to make sure the flavour that you had for a week, of perfect spontaneous freedom isn’t just a pipe dream.

When I eventually retire I want to do it like my DGPs. They were never home! My DGF would find a holiday, they would pack a bag and they would be off anywhere! My DGM said that she didn't want to be young again, she wanted to be 60 and going on holidays with my DGF.

Can you have a break to see if it's for you?

I think it's very easy to say LTB but can be really difficult for women following a divorce. Is your job stable? (I have read your previous replies). Do you know how much you'd be left with after a divorce and lawyer's fees etc?

Could you talk to your husband about how you're feeling? Go away more often on your own (holidays, weekends in London, day trips)? Are you prepared for issues with landlords, upstairs neighbours, time during the week when other people aren't free but you don't want to be alone? I don't think the grass always is greener. It's not an easy decision and YANBU for feeling this way but I watched my own mother really struggle and have a redundancy and breakdown following a divorce, it's never something I'd advise lightly.

I sound a bit like your DH. I genuinely couldn't cope with that type of trip away, but I'm not a miserable or horrible person. My DH is a bit more spontaneous and I am more than happy for him to go off and have weekends or trips away without me. If you're otherwise happy with your DH, staying together but having your weekends in London might be a good compromise.

I think you owe it to your husband to properly discuss this, and give it some time.

Could you compromise, by downsizing in the country and having a flat in London, and you spending time between the two?

It just seems very sudden and extreme to base a decision like this on a week away, where things are always different. There's no rush here.

@Artien - would your dh be open to a discussion of these issues - maybe in couples counselling?

I voted that you are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do, and clearly something needs to change - your life sounds stifling and miserable.

Why do we expect a romantic connection to last forever? It rarely does. People grow and change.

Sounds like you've had a great coparenting deal with a pleasant relationship and now you get to live the rest of your life in a flat in London, which will be fab!

Go for it. Congrats.

Your post makes me think of my MIL. She loves it on the rare occasion FIL is away for a couple of nights and she does not have to live so rigidly. I don’t know how much she likes the comfort of their routine lives of whether she would genuinely be happier on her own with more freedom. She’s not one to speak up for herself or rock the boat. I guess you’re the only you can know what would work for you and it can be hard to know for sure.

I think the problem with 'do it on your own' is that she might want to share these things with her partner, which isn't unreasonable. If she's going to end up living a completely different kind of life which he is never, ever involved in - then that's only going to end one way. He has a responsibility to their marriage as well.

@WinterHangingBasket

It isn't semantics. If you don't understand which the part of value is, then you can't understand my point.
Your position appears to be that it is preferable to discard the baby (marriage) in order to get fresh bathwater (more spontaneity).

I think you misunderstood what I meant. I’m not saying people should be free to chase spontaneity because they are bored of their marriages.

What I am saying is that if a marriage has lost its internal logic because its participants have given up, it ceases to have value beyond its legal and financial basis.

Part of the “contract” of a marriage (informal but no less important), is that the two parties pay sufficient attention to the needs of the other individual that it has value to them both. If one partner totally neglects their hygiene for example, or commits domestic abuse, they have reneged on the contract. Or, as in this case, where the husband has ceased to make any effort to meet his wife halfway intellectually, spiritually or socially. You can’t expect a marriage to be sustainable if you don’t make any effort at all.

I’m not married and wouldn’t get married (partly to avoid exactly this sort of scenario). But I don’t believe in obligation to a legal commitment trumping all other considerations, including the happiness and health of its individual partners. Clinging on for dear life to the wreckage of something that died decades ago helps no one.

Marriage is important but it should never be more important than the people in the marriage. If it’s outlived its usefulness put it out. That’s what divorce is for.

Your DH gets upset if his adult son holds his partner’s hand and tries to police what his son’s partner wears?

How the hell hasn’t your son told him to fuck off into oblivion?

Your DH’s behaviour isn’t normal. It’s rigid, controlling and extremely selfish and I’m amazed that it’s taken 32 years for you to question it. His behaviour isn’t just uptight. It’s controlling and unpleasant.

Your son and his partner sound lovely and I suspect you’d see more of them if you weren’t with your husband.

This made me chuckle! 😂

The chances of this man forming a new family are minimal.

You describe a man with several irritating characteristics but many of which could probably be worked around/compromised. This sentence is much more troubling.

He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears

Is this regular? Has anyone asked him to stop? Is everyone still speaking? Wtf?

For those bewildered by my enthusiasm: I understand what you're all saying about starting slowly and even trying to loosen up the husband. I am, at a guess, about ten years older than @Artien. I have known many rigid, critical, inflexible men and I see them get worse at this age, never better. The typical 60+ married woman's facial expression is of suppressed irritation with a very slight eye-roll. The reason is her husband.

I lived on my own in London for years. I loved it and miss it. London's much friendlier than the small market town I now live in - with a high transient population, there are always people looking for friends and thousands of things to do, where you can meet like-minded souls if you want. Small-town people don't need new faces as they all grew up here, and the community centre's nice little clubs don't expand many horizons.

I can't move back to London. That's the thing: you have to be able to afford to move in, but moving out's a piece of cake. You'll always be able to sell your London home for a better one elsewhere, should you change your mind.

Final consideration: health. Mine's gone right down the pan lately. Things go wrong more often starting from age 65; ten years later, almost everyone's got at least one spare part. A few of my friends have died already. We do not have years to play around with half-in, half-out lifestyle test drives. Carpe diem gets more relevant with every diem that passes.

I'm very glad of my London years. If I drop off the planet tomorrow, I'll have my rich memories of an independent life fully lived.

Her husband is a grumpy, judgemental, inflexible man who barely leaves his tiny world and his children prefer limited contact with him.

I feel the chances of him landing a new girlfriend who means he has a lovely lovely life and who your children suddenly prefer to spend time with are pretty small.

And if he suddenly is able to be outgoing, charming, flexible and engaging with a new girlfriend but cannot be bothered to do so for his wife of 32 years, then clearly he disadains his wife completely and she is much better off out of it.

I don't think potentially feeling a bit left out if he has a new relationship and she gets on with the adult children is a reason to stay in her marriage.

@Artien

You sound just as stuck in the mud as he is

There is nothing to stop you being spontaneous and going off and doing things. Your children are grown.
Your husband is not dependent

I think it's more about the comparison between city and country living.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both.

On holidays you only ever see the advantages.

If you miss it so much, go and do it, but try out it fully before you make a big mistake.

Whose choice was it to move out to the country in the first place?

Just leave. This relationship sounds suffocating. Nothing will change.

The new life sounds exciting, from what you've told us most people will tell you to go for it - me too! I envisage I may be in a similar position in 20 years, but I'm still hopeful that won't be the case at the moment.

I wouldn't jump in though - communication is key here. Talk to your husband (as long as there is no risk of abuse), maybe some marriage counselling. Even if it's just so things can remain amicable.

Also - you can still love each other AND live separate lives. It may not be traditional, and it doesn't sound likely he'd go with non traditional. But would you 'split', and you move and create a new life, but without divorce and still maintain some sort of bond and/or relationship?

Don’t underestimate the motivation of a man who needs a wife and I am not saying he will have more children but if he does move on he will form new relationships and probably have step children. So family events and weddings to go to. The thing about leaving someone is they do move on and part of a successful separation is being fine with that.

Is he autistic? I really hate it when people say this but my dad has quite weird ridgid quirks similar to this (although he loves music and couldn't care less what you wear). It's more my parents have to go to the same places for holiday, do the same precise routine whilst away, they also have a very regimented life (they are retired!), have to eat the same food (he won't try anything new ever). He can't stand making small talk with people/meeting new people and basically if my dad doesn't want to do it/like it no one is doing it, it was always like this when we were children but he's got so much worse as he's got older. We've realised with my own dad everything points to him being autistic, my brother was diagnosed in his 40's, my brother is nowhere near as "quirky" as our dad. The stuff you describe does remind me of my dad though, my mum loves to eat out at random new places, see new places etc etc, go with the flow exploring, she still does those things she just takes her friends or her children instead. She goes on cruises without him too. They've been married 50 years and they are happy, my mum just realised life is too short to miss out on stuff she wants to do.