Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

He sounds absolutely insufferable BUT you owe it to him, yourself and your family to tell him you're not happy before pulling the plug. Give him a chance to pull up his socks. If there's no positive response, then be honest and say you'd like out (but have everything in order before you do that).

If only we could all see ourselves as others do.

Join some clubs, get out more! Leave Misery at home with EastEnders

In this scenario, the 'baby' is the marriage, not the man, but I knew someone would misinterpret it and refer to the man as a baby. The current dynamic is the bathwater, and that is what needs changing.

She didn't feel any of that until she had a holiday. Which of us hasn't wanted to stay in our holiday destination and not go back to our normal life? I don't believe that it is wise to base a life-changing decision on a few days away. Yes, something needs to change but that doesn't have to include casually discarding a relationship of over 30 years.

I suspect the rose tinted view of how affordable and fun life is as a single person would rapidly become quite disappointing. All I am doing is suggesting caution rather than the gung-ho MN attitude to LTB, when the man in question isn't really a B.

It’s this kind of post that really really winds me up on here.
Straight away-why did you stay. She already said she didn’t really realise she was unhappy.

Then, I would …

You don’t know what you would do/would have done because you’re not the OP.

You are a passenger in his life OP
Would you try and get more of what you want from life without leaving the marriage?
Tell him you are unhappy and want to move and start the next chapter and see what he says.

The suggestion to stay married but live separate lives and do your own thing could work for you or for some people. Not for me though. I am very very happy to potter about the world on my own, go to gigs, theatre, trips etc...but I would also really like to share some of these experiences and to meet someone on my wavelength to have fun with and stretch me in different directions.

So it isn't just about doing things on your own without him it is about how open you can be to sharing experiences with others if you are still married and bound to someone else.

@Artienyou clearly want/need to make some changes in your life but it doesn’t necessarily mean leaving your marriage.

Can you make changes, start doing more without him? Widen your social circle, book some trips? You don’t have to be in each others pockets because you’re married.

Would your husband be ok with you building more of an independent life?

If not then it may be marriage ending.

Won't be a popular suggestion but maybe look for a halfway option: stay with him but spend more time away and be yourself. You may reach a tipping point

DH and I took early retirement at 58 and have very different approaches. He likes pottering at home doing little DIY projects whereas I like to go out exploring and doing things I didn’t have time for when bringing up children and working. Some of these new hobbies like coastal walking were ones I had tried to engage DH in years ago but he resisted. On retirement I told him no more. Either he could do these things with me or I would do them alone. Gradually I found friends who do share my interests and groups to join. This has also led to walking holidays while DHs life has grown smaller. We do however do some things together like theatre trips, meals out, holidays and occasional bike rides or walks. I would not end my marriage because he does not try to control me or stop me doing things. He also has expanded on his hobbies. This is not uncommon with men as a lot of friends find the same. The men are just less willing to explore new things. Maybe this is just the time to find yourself OP. Do a Shirley Valentines and spread your wings.

I am going to go against the MN mantra of ‘leave him’. I’ve just been on holiday with DD to a hotel. We sat by the pool, drank cocktails till midnight, went clubbing when bar closed with our friends. DH would have hated it all. But it was a holiday not day to day life. How much time would your DC want to spend with you and how easy would it be to make new friends? Now you are home try going out more on your own. If DH doesn’t want to do something make it clear you will do it anyway. As for making restaurant reservations, I’m with him. I Don’t go anywhere without booking.

I can relate to the wanting to have plans, an itinerary and pre-booked places. It's not a lack of spontaneity, it's the need to have an actual plan instead of merely winging it. Things can and do go wrong, people let you down and last minute changes can throw everything into chaos, so having an established structure and a schedule is much safer. I wonder if your husband might be autistic?

@WinterHangingBasket

In this scenario, the 'baby' is the marriage, not the man, but I knew someone would misinterpret it and refer to the man as a baby. The current dynamic is the bathwater, and that is what needs changing.

This is semantics. What is the point of a marriage which makes you miserable and for which there is no financial or family rationale?

People always snort at the idea that marriage is “a piece of paper”. But without love or a financial incentive or any social value that’s literally all it is.

Your husband “my way or the highway “ attitude is insufferable. Do you really want to live the rest of the life like that constantly sacrificing your wants and desires for a person who doesn’t want to do the same for you?

I couldn't do it, OP. In fact I left my marriage and got myself a happier life. I wasn't unhappy per se but he was a bit older and getting grouchier and the negativity and lack of get up and go was draining. Never looked back, as much as it is a cliche, you really only do get one life. Go enjoy yours.

This. Your new spontaneous lifestyle alongside him might rub off on him

Do it !

Totally agree. I left dh1 and it wasn't all bad. We got on ok still do.

Life's too short for this. Maybe stay away more first see if you miss him?

This is all brilliant advice.

If you are brave now OP the future is an open book. If you stay you will have more of the same until you or DH die.

As men get older, their social circle diminishes because they are not particularly social creatures. They like their man caves and tinkering with things in the shed.

Women are the exact opposite and are much more social and like to explore to new pastures, having mostly no interest in tinkering with things or building things.

These things all too often lead to marriage breakdown because the woman feels like she's being held down, stifled, controlled and caged, when in reality her husband simply prefers security and certainty in an ever-increasingly low trust and uncertain world.

My MIL was the same during menopause and frequently would say "I'll be lucky to get to the end of the road with him (DH/FIL).", noting how he doesn't like driving. He drives even less now due to having 6 months off after having a knee replacement, he just never regained his confidence.

I don't think it's worth throwing away decades of marital happiness and fracturing the family. Get to the bottom of why these things are happening and talk it out. The OP has been married for 32 years, that's a long time and there is no way neither party had to work out disagreements in all that time. They've made it this far, and I sincerely hope they can keep making it work.

Estimate how many years of life you have left. Then think about whether you want them to be like the week away, or the week you’re having now.

No one can do anything about that but you.

Love this and 100% agree x x

It isn't semantics. If you don't understand which the part of value is, then you can't understand my point.
Your position appears to be that it is preferable to discard the baby (marriage) in order to get fresh bathwater (more spontaneity).

OP has already says she still loves him, even if she is uncertain about whether she is still 'in love' with him. That says to me that this marriage is not dead and that it is still worth making changes within the relationship and trying to improve things. To have remained together for 30 years suggests that they do have shared values as well as ones they do not share. That is the part that needs to be looked at.

Ugh, he seems stifling. Listen to whatever music you like and when he complains just say - I like this song/artist. Also, the comments about DS’s GF’s clothing, tell him to wind his neck in.

I don’t know if dismantling your marriage is the right first step but making sure you get more of that freedom is non-negotiable. Listen to the music you like, go to bed when you like, don’t be held hostage by his moods.

You are describing my EXH here. One of the reasons I divorced him 6 yrs ago. Everything you have written is exactly how he was, from the music, to set bedtimes, no spontaneous outings. He was so boring.
Maybe tell your husband if he doesn't change then you will leave him. There not a lot to lose by the sounds of it.