Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

FWIW - I noticed my husband has the same tendencies and I'd become a bit of a shell of myself. So I basically just do what I want. He can join in or not, and he didn't to start with - but now it's very unlikely we'd have a family day out without him. He even suggests these himself at times!

The grumpy sod even prompted me to book Disney this year.

You have to actively make these changes for yourself.

Doesn’t need to be all or nothing. An air bnb in London or staying with your kids one or two nights a week for example but then going ‘home’ to your husband but also making small changes there as well. Surely that’s much cheaper than a divorce and gives you want you want / need. If there’s no other person on the horizon then you could ‘quietly quit’ and see if actually you could start to enjoy time at home with your husband if you have an outlet for new experiences and less regime elsewhere?

Do it OP, one life, live it! You can even stay friends with husband but live separately, just meet up to do whatever it was you used to do 40yrs ago that was so great. You both win - he gets his routine exactly as he likes it, you spend your life socialising.

does the decision need to be so binary?
you work part time remotely so have time on your hands. if you want to go see the kids, do they have somewhere you can stay or can you afford a room for a few nights here and there? if you want to do the theatre, music etc what about your friends?

basically I'd start asserting your own spontaneity and then assess if that works alongside your marriage. just because he won't do things didn't mean you can't

Have you told him how you feel? It would be a shame to leave without giving him a chance to improve. He does sound stuck in a boring rut, perhaps if he starts he may actually enjoy himself!
At least then, if he doesn't listen, then you can honestly say to yourself that you tried.

When you talk about moving closer to the kids, how much closer? London is very big and lots of people move further out as they have children, then when the children start school and again at secondary school age. I'm the adult child my parents moved to be near, and it has worked out fantastically but only because I'm living where I intend to stay. It would feel quite a burden if I had any inclination to move any time soon! If you move, do it because you inherently want to, with the kids being a nice bonus, because they might move abroad or to the coast / countryside.

This could be appropriate..

Drama: Shirley’s Party
Radio 4/BBC Sounds, 3pm
There’s an extraordinary humanity to this beautifully judged play about a wife and mother (Rachel Davies) emerging slowly, tentatively into the light after a lifetime in the shadow of a controlling husband. Writer Katie Hims cements her reputation as one of the best radio dramatists out there, helped by a superb cast that includes Alan Williams, Ralph Ineson, Christine Bottomley and, briefly, Philip Jackson. Possibly the finest radio drama of the year, certainly one of the warmest and most uplifting.

I know a woman who was married to someone like this for 50 years. She never would have left him, but it was actually a massive relief when he finally died, I think. In her mid 70's she suddenly started living her life spontaneously, joining social clubs, making friends, not having to have every day dictated to her or planned out in advance so as not to stress him. He didn't have any friends either because he was socially awkward and came across as a bit of a know-all, so that really limited who she could spend time with because he really didn't like her doing anything without him.

Her children who loved their dad but knew exactly what he was like, said she was having a completely new lease of life since he died and they were thrilled for her that she could finally relax a bit and explore her own long held interests.

The funny thing is that one of the daughters has married someone really similar and has to live her life with all the same issues, pussyfooting around his peculiarities, tolerating him falling out with people left right and centre and getting stressy and anxious over pointless stuff.

OP, surely u can have the best of both worlds by occasionally staying in London as you have a good reason to see your children and even join some activities.

I agree with some of the PP, get out more - that way you will have better social life and family home to invite the children back.

@Artien YABU for looking at divorce as the first step solution to your problems.

You haven't articulated your efforts to communicate to him the profound feelings of discontent you have. You haven't even suggested speaking to a relationship therapist.

The idea that you can simply discard lifelong partner and waltz into the sunshine is a fallacy. There are plenty of isolated people in London, many old and alone.

MN has an overrepresentation of single and/or miserable people will rush to say "LTB" because they don't care about you or your marriage. Think logically, and speak to someone who does.

I think most people have urged her to have the best of both worlds and take a few nights away. I have been married for 29 years myself.
However some men don't like their wives doing anything without them. Unclear if OP's husband is one such.

It's not a fallacy. People can and do leave crap relationships and become much happier

This. Entirely.

You don't have to be out of touch with him. You can remain friends but yes, FFS make a start to a wonderful fulfilling life now. The world is on your doorstep.

My DH is a bit like that but he allows me to shake him out of it mostly. he can't tolerate any last minute change at all. It makes him panic. It is stifling but the extremes your describe would have me sobbing in a corner.

People can and do work to improve their relationship before resorting to ending it.

They can and do indeed. But this old git isn’t budging an inch.

Why should the OP do all the emotional work in the marriage?

I was thinking the same.

Unless you know them intimately, this is an absolutely ridiculous statement. It's her husband of 3 decades, not a casual fling or bf.

He sounds neuro divergent.

Could you maybe balance the two? I think leaving a marriage is hard - financially and the loss of in-built support.

But can’t you still visit your children in London? Make new friends outside the marriage? Build a social life separate to your husband?

ND or not- I think not because all the men I know are like this- no one needs to build their lives around an ND person and give up any life of their own.

MN has an overrepresentation of single and/or miserable people will rush to say "LTB" because they don't care about you or your marriage. Think logically, and speak to someone who does.

If there is one thing MN does not have is an “overrepresentation” of single people! Most MNers are mothers in relationships. As for miserable - speak for yourself.

We only get one life....

God he sounds so boring and stuck in his ways. Don’t waste any more time op, enjoy life while you can.

He may just be narrow and stuck in his ways, some people are.

Around 15% of people are estimated to be neurodivergent. Around 95% of MN husbands are held to be.

😂