Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

This was my thoughts too. You can stay married to him and still have your own life. Unless he is controlling over you.

@WinterHangingBasket

Because it would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Jumping straight from having a spontaneous week to deciding that your marriage is awful and needs to end is a little dramatic.

They don't have to do everything together all of the time. They both need their own friends, hobbies and interests but as you get older, ending an otherwise solid marriage to someone who is reliable but dull, becomes a high risk approach to life. She can still do all the things she wants to do, with friends. And sometimes, all it takes is one person changing the dynamic for the other to sit up and notice and start thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all to get onboard with it.

Maybe we have a different perspective on marriage. For me a marriage with no shared interests or values is a complete waste of time. In fact its worse than a waste of time because its a soul-sapping experience which leaves you feeling miserable and eats away at your self-esteem and sense of who you are. You talk about throwing the "baby out with the bathwater", but what's the baby? A silent, grumpy man who criticises anything he doesn't understand and won't do anything fun? What's worth saving about this?

Of course OP can do things she wants to do with friends. But why bother being legally committed to someone who you don't want to spend any time with? I find this to be a baffling attitude. It's one thing if you have shared small children whose lives it would destabilise or if you need the money but none of these things applies in OP's case.

She resents him, he's miserable and controlling. They don't want to do anything together. Why force yourself to tough out a relationship with someone who is a net drain on your life?

I am S Asian. My mum is very adventurous and loved to travel, but my dad was much older, very anxious and refused to let her. And then she ended up caring for him. After he passed, she has been travelling incessantly on her own. It's sad in a way.

I was very determined to not marry a controlling man and lay down my boundaries at the start of my marriage. I like to go out a lot, travel, meet new people. As long as I am within the family budget and childcare considerations aside, that's my prerogative. I would hate to be one of those couples who do everything together.

Because the financial split may not be as rosy as she thinks?

Her substantial personal savings aren't necessarily hers, for a start.

You think you might still love him. Do you see any positives to being with him? What are his plus points? If there are some then do you think it would be worth telling him how you feel and what you want to change and working on this together, before leaving? Or do you not think he is capable of change? Can you not just do the things that you want anyway like play music when you're in a different room, take yourself out for the day without a plan, etc?

Some of the things you describe are not that bad in my opinion (wanting to know an itenary or booking restaurants on holiday isn't always a bad thing (to me) if you're on holiday in a group in high season you often have to or you're missing out on seeing things or eating where you want because it's all booked up, especially after covid).

Some of the things are awful though (disapproving of your sons girlfriends clothing, getting upset when they hold hands, wtf). I think my point is, it's probably OK if he wants to live like this, to an extent. But for this to work, he needs to recognise that not everyone wants to live like this, and accept that he has to compromise (eg there will be some music he doesn't like sometimes, he can go to bed when he likes but you might be later sometimes) without ruining it by disapproving or grumbling. Do you think he's capable of that?

"Men find their slippers, women find their wings".

I think you need to start doing more without him and see if the time you do spend together makes it still worth the marriage. However you're not being unreasonable - it's not reasonable to spend your life and relationship in accordance with your husband's wishes only.

No need to label him! It makes no difference and she's told us what he's like.

I know women who have done this, left a longer relationship (no affair) some more successfully than others. The more successful ones had jobs to meet new people and were financially secure.

if I was you I’d trial it out, visit your kids more without him, stay in an air b and b on your own sometimes…just start to detach and work out who you are. Maybe rewatch Shirley valentine 💝

Yeah I dont get why posters keep saying this. It doesnt matter- the effects on the OP are still the same and she is still unhappy. People are allowed to leave relationships if they are making them unhappy.

I do think that you need to remember that a small flat in London may quickly loose appeal, you won’t be out every night, your children have lives of their own, and chatting to random people in pubs is not such a London thing, definitely more common away from the SE. I’m not saying don’t, I’m saying that i think you need a long talk with your husband, tell him what you told us and investigate compromise, and perhaps try renting a flat on Airbnb in London and trying it out too, without relying on your dc for company nor over indulging going out, the sort of weekly spend budget you might have irl

'Men find their slippers, women find their wings' is so accurate. Nearly all the 50 something men I know have become curmudgeonly. They can't all be autistic! Regardless of the penchant for armchair diagnosis on MN

You are not unreasonable to want a different sort of life. However, on a practical level - i’d
see if I couldn’t carve out more of the sort of life I wanted without blowing up my life.

What stops you doing spontaneous things on your own? With friends, etc? All those museums, theatre, etc - you don't need him to come with you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do think the life on your own and making new friends in London - is a little bot of an escape fantasy. It’s not all idyllic - and people in their 50-60s in London aren't much looking for making new friends. You may move to london and be quite lonely, for eg

To me your H sounds like he is on a spectrum. Have you tried talking to him about your needs and how you feel?
If he understood where your minds is - he might be willing to adjust at least somewhat?
If you don't say anything and just leave -
he wont have a chance to consider it, and
after 30 years together, maybe its not exactly fait?

I very much understand why you would be questioning your marriage. But I think step one should be building a life outside and alongside your marriage. It’s not healthy to rely on one person for all your social and emotional needs. Spend some time on your friendships and hobbies and with your children. See how that works. If he tries to block that or it causes conflict then you have a problem but I wouldn’t rush straight to blowing up your marriage as step one.

I picked up from what your son said that he finds his dad suffocating too. I get the feeling that your children have the measure of their father and they won’t be surprised at all if you divorce.

At this stage you’re young enough to live your life. These curmudgeonly traits will only intensify with age and you don’t want to end up caring for a fretful old man or be the one cared for when you aren’t allowed what music you want to soothe a day full of physical pain for example.

Doesn't make much of a difference but proves once again that MN hates men so much that every single male flaw must be seen as pathological laziness, abusive narcissism and moral failure instead of allowing a sliver of doubt that there could be a neurological reason behind it.

Ironically, if anyone dared to suggest that a child displaying the same behaviour is simply a misbehaving twat instead of having SEN then you'll be chased out with pitchforks.

You could move to London where your children live? And then what? Expect them to entertain you, because that is what that little holiday was, constant entertainment? Can you not make your own fun? You don't have to be doing things together with other people to make yourself happy, you are not in kindergarten you know. Your post sounds so immature, I find it hard to believe a grownup person can feel that way, considering the maths of years elapsed in marriage and the age of your children. And the thought that you move to London and what - you can talk to strangers in the pub and play 'new music' all the time? Seriously?

I mean obviously she needs to do due diligence on the financials.

But aside from financial stability I see no upside to staying in the marriage for her.

She could still have many years of independent, healthy life. Why ruin this by doggedly sticking to Victor Meldrew?

I think telling him and initiating long conversations at this stage would be waste of your time and energy, OP. You have given more than enough, more than I was ever prepared to give in my marriage.
If you can practically and emotionally detach and leave, do so.

Your post is embarrassing!

MN hates men so much that every single male flaw must be seen as pathological laziness, abusive narcissism and moral failure instead of allowing a sliver of doubt that there could be a neurological reason behind it

I would argue it shows the opposite. That a man cannot possibly be miserable and controlling, there must be some genetic reason for it making it not his fault

Would it be more "mature" to spend the rest of her one life fading away with Victor Meldrew? (Though to be fair to VM I don't think even he would tell his son's gf what to wear)

Thanks - I appreciate your reply. You're right - we seem so keen not to blame children for anything nowadays. I used to be a teacher and sometimes smiled at my own attempts to write a report about a misbehaving twat without actually saying they were a misbehaving twat!

I can't be alone in willing to do more for a SEN child than a maybe SEN adult. Now that my kids are adults, I wouldn't allow them to control my life either, SEN or not

That's not hating. It's not being a resentful martyr your whole life because your husband may or may not have SEN.
Amazing how every man in the world apparently has SEN.

I know you said you like spontaneity , OP , but it was only last week you were on holiday and already, you're talking about getting a flat in London, separating etc.

There's spontaneity and there's deciding too much on the spur of the moment.

If you feel you're definitely doing the right thing with no regrets, then please think it all through before acting on it.

Go for it - and soon. Make a clean break, no half measures. Otherwise you risk getting trapped in place as his carer for the rest of your lives.