To be upset with what my friend said?

[Blueybingomum]

I’m currently trying to lose weight. Iv lost just under 4 stone and have quite abit to go.

i went out with my BF last night for a few drinks and joked “can you tell iv lost any weight yet?”

and she seriously took a step back and looked me up and down and said no I’m sorry.

it ruined my night 😂😩 she was being deadly serious but surely in that situation you lie?

Might be a generational thing but most women my age and younger (30) have been taught not to really talk about peoples weight or comment on it as it’s rude. Maybe she felt awkward?

Well you obviously haven't learnt from reading the responses that a lot of people do not and have not noticed that sort of thing.
It's a choice to think people can't be different and must be being bad, but you both have a wealth of evidence here. Are all those PP lying in your opinion? Or maybe they just didn't notice that really they had noticed?

Understandably OP was disappointed and has an emotional response attached to that. She knows it and is asking for perspective.

Unless there are reasons to think this friend isn't an honest person or is an intentionally mean person, it's most likely she is one of the many people who don't normally notice that sort of thing. Now you know we exist and are not even rare.
I actually think that's better than constantly being aware of other people's weight, and potentially judging them one way or the other for it.

You don't need to apologise. Your post is totally clear and anyone nitpicking at a few typos is a complete twat.

In response to your actual question - YANBU. As a previous poster said, unless your starting weight was 30-odd stone, it seems very unlikely that your friend hasn't noticed you've lost 4 stone. It's a lot of weight to lose, and you must be wearing a smaller clothes size, right? Pretty sure most people would notice their friend dropping a size - or indeed two or three sizes!

If she really is so incredibly unobservant and/or blind that she genuinely hasn't noticed, she should have been tactful and lied.

Well done for shifting four stone - that's not easy.

I lost 3 stone and my "friend" said she couldn't tell, even though lots of other people could tell. She was very slim and could eat anything and enjoyed making little digs about my weight and "big" people so I don't think it fitted her agenda to have a slim friend. It could be something like that with your friend.

She's jealous.

Jealousy..pure & simple. Sorry you have a friend like this.

The normal social convention when someone asks you a question about their appearance is to pay them a compliment, even if you're not entirely telling the truth (can you guess how old I am? also falls into this category).

I've learnt not to ask these questions and to avoid answering them for that reason.

People who think it's "jealousy" are only describing their own feelings

Unless you know OP in person or have seen her before and after photos, you can’t say for certain whether her weight loss is noticeable or not.

Weight loss isn’t always immediately visible - it depends on how the person dresses, their figure, how they hold themselves, how big they were to begin with, whether they’ve toned up or have lots of loose skin etc.

Losing four stone is obviously an amazing achievement but it shouldn’t be something other people have to notice for you to be happy or proud of yourself.

Also, as someone who has never been overweight, I never, ever say 'you've lost weight' or something like this to anyone who is a tad overweight.

To me that sounds like 'you used to be fat'. I do not comment on people's weight full stop.

It's like saying 'you don't look tired today'. It seems a veiled insult.

Honestly, why did you ask? I would never comment on someone’s appearance (excepting the 30 second rule - food in teeth etc.) and I would never ask someone to comment on my appearance. I don’t scrutinise my friends’ appearances, I see their expressions, their body language, and I listen to what they say.

Commenting on weight is hugely problematic. The “achievement” of losing weight is a personal struggle of trying to prioritise your health in an environment that makes this near on impossible. It’s not about looking skinny to other people. Do we like you more now you’re slim? Are you a better person now? No, it doesn’t matter, it’s your own health journey. It’s been shown that any commentary on appearance makes people (women and girls) feel more self-conscious. Whether you meet societies ideals for appearance or not, you know people are always looking and judging.

When I lost weight, a few people commented but most didn’t. Honestly, it made me feel awful when people commented and said “oh well done” “you look great”. Weight changes throughout life. We don’t always have the time, money, and energy to exercise everyday, count calories, meal plan, batch cook. I know they will be there judging me again if I put the weight back on.

I'm sorry but no amount of visual trickery can conceal a difference of FOUR STONE. I can understand your point if you're talking about a stone or so, but anything much more than that? Just no. Particularly in our culture, where weight is something that most women think about a lot, and where weight consciousness is bred into us from a very early age. These 'weight blind' people are bullshitting, I'm sorry. Unless you have a genuine vision impairment, there's just no way.

Oh FFS. There's a difference between 'scrutinising' and noticing what's right in front of your nose. All this kumbaya stuff really gets my goat, it is so disingenuous.

Agree, I don’t beleive it either, it reads for some rhey can’t bear to compliment someone’s weight loss. And even on line will tie themselves up in knots justifying why they can’t bring themselves to do it.

Exactly. It really isn't credible. They think they are making themselves seem deep and above 'beauty standards' but they are actually just annoying and stingy with compliments.

Nonsense

Do you really notice your child has changed? Do you really notice your partner getting old? When you see them all the time?
Of course not, you don't notice your own face either.

Until you see pictures and you realise the difference.

If someone you haven't seen in ages has lost 4 stones since the last time you saw them, yes, it's likely it will be noticeable. If you see them every week? no.

Tell yourself everybody is jealous if it makes you feel better 😂

Huge congrats on your weight loss!

Ignore her.

I hear you. This has recently happened to me with someone I work with I’ve lost 3 stone and she claims I look no different. Shes just being a bitch.

She's not discussing your body and your appearance at work. She's doing exactly what she's supposed to do.

Shes just being a bitch and that would be why it's wiser to keep well away from the subject, if you are already reacting like that before she even give you her honest opinion 😂

If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

funny how people take that the wrong way when others do just that😂

Of course people notice that their children have changed! A lot of children have growth spurts. And yes, I also notice that my husband has aged, as have I! I notice weight gain and loss in people, even ones I see quite frequently. That's because I don't go around in a complete daze.

except you don't notice it daily. I know they have growth spurts, but not overnight 😂You don't look at them at breakfast and go: oh you've grown last night!

or tell your husband: of your have a deeper wrinkle this morning since last night 😂

Maybe just tell us if your friend is overweight or not. Then you can decide once and for all if it's jealousy. Sorry to be blunt, but I don't think overweight people realise how little interest other people have in their changing weight.

I just didn't notice. I have no idea why. Not everyone notices things that are blatantly obvious to many others. My friend didn't notice when I wore glasses for the first time. I mentioned it and he said he thought I already wore glasses.

Seriously? You don’t see your children get older or your husband older? It just passes you by? Wow.