To be upset with what my friend said?

[Blueybingomum]

I’m currently trying to lose weight. Iv lost just under 4 stone and have quite abit to go.

i went out with my BF last night for a few drinks and joked “can you tell iv lost any weight yet?”

and she seriously took a step back and looked me up and down and said no I’m sorry.

it ruined my night 😂😩 she was being deadly serious but surely in that situation you lie?

I go to a weekly event and see a girl. She recently announced she'd lost around 4 stone and I secretly thought WTF. I honestly couldn't see a difference at all. I'm not being bitchy, I just couldn't. Regardless, I congratulated her anyway.

Honestly unless it's really dramatic I don't often notice, it may well be the same with your friend.
If she's usually a good mate I'd put it down to that.
Also depending on how you dress usually it may not have been noticeable as in when you dress to hide your problem areas so people don't notice when you do start to lose weight they won't really register.
Hope that made sense

I have a friend who lost a lot of weight and I genuinely didn't notice. Not everyone does.

Four stone is definitely visible, so first of all, well done!

I read that you need to lose about 1/2 a stone or a bit less to see the difference yourself, but it takes twice that for other people to notice in your daily life.

So at four stone, a friend who knows you should be noticing. Maybe your clothes are just a little bit looser so she hadn't noticed before you said, but it's strange she still didn't see when you pointed it out.

Is there any chance she was being cruel? I mean, is she sometimes like that?

Mentioning someone's weight loss or weight gain would feel very pass remarkable and rude. People lose or gain weight for all sorts of reasons from mental health issues such as depression,, self neglect, background health issue I may be unaware of so I steer clear about commenting on a person's overall shape. None of my business.

She asked her friend if she could see the difference. The friend looked her up and down and "No." It's in the OP.

My friend had quite a sizeable nose job. Wasn’t obvious from the front, but completely changed the profile of her face.

Her brother didn’t notice at all.

Listen I am so sorry you experienced that but as someone with a guy for 14 years, I’ve been multiple sizes and he’s never truly noticed unless the difference has been huge. Some people are genuinely weight blind and others are more noticeable to it. Four stone is a lot so well done. But of course where you started out also impacts how much people notice. It also depends on what you’re wearing - do you hide behind baggy clothes etc.

anyway what matters most is a) you’ve lost four stone and you know it b) you can see it

well done xxx

I think a lot of people avoid mentioning weight loss, doesn’t mean she’s not a friend

Yes, I agree but she'll comment on her own weight loss. She did once say she 'couldn't tell' if I'd lost weight as we're often wearing big coats but I think by summer when it was single layers she could see.
She also knows I sometimes dog walk after I've been to the gym so there's definitely room for dialogue about wellness even if not about weight.
Also...in my head, that I've not shared on here there's a whole load of other 'stuff' that's happened that's got me to this thinking.

Agreed, came on here just to play devils advocate. I don’t comment on anyone’s weight ever. If they bring it up I’ll say they look good but I think it’s really dangerous to affirm people’s ideas that they’re a better person if they’re skinnier. I know comments about how much better I look when I’ve lost weight have really impacted my self worth!

I think she was wrong to not say anything nice but maybe she really couldn’t tell the difference because she didn’t care that you were big in the first place?

She is not your friend. Well done on your weight loss.

Commenting on your own weight is very different to commenting on someone else’s. Giving up on a friendship of this would be crazy (unless there’s other stuff) and I think you are being unfair on your friend.

I wouldn’t get hung up on this if she is in all other respect a good friend.

100% this.

“Congratulating” people on losing weight is so problematic. People are the weight they are for so many different reasons, and if we are to value people as people instead of how they look, we should be moving away from commenting on people’s appearances full stop.

OP four stone is fantastic. Good for you.😁

I'll be honest....you probably won't get many positive reactions. People hate others successfully losing weight. Pay no attention to them.

Everyone on here saying you can “definitely” always tell if someone has lost four stone - that’s just not true.

There are so many variables.

Your usual style of dress, how much you have to lose, where you carry it, where you’ve lost it from, your height etc.

I lost three stone last year and it was barely noticeable to others. I could tell, and I was delighted. But as I have quite a few more stone still to lose, and I’m a tall woman with a sturdy build no one could really see it. Sadly I don’t think a 3-stone weight loss is as noticeable in me as I’d like 😂🤷‍♀️

That may be true for the OP. Without seeing before and after photos there’s no way of knowing.

IMO, a good friend is an honest friend. Whether or not someone can tell, you’ve still lost four stone which is a huge achievement! And you can obviously see the weight loss in yourself which is the main thing.

Don’t ask questions if you might not like the answers. Your friend may have thought it was better to be truthful. I mean, she may have been nasty deliberately but you haven’t said there’s any reason to suspect that? if she’d fibbed and said yes, then what? You might have asked her where she most noticed it from. It’s a whole spiral of lies and just better to say sorry, I haven’t really noticed any weight loss, but you look great.

Your achievements don’t need validation from others. Maybe your friend never paid that much attention to your body shape. Be proud of your four stone weight loss - you’ve done so well.

Titasaducksarse

Yep, I've a 'friend' who I'm increasingly realising is not a friend who has made no comment on my weight loss even though we go walking together, I talk about the gym etc. She knows I'm using mounjaro so I really think it's jealousy. Literally no one commented on my first 2 stone loss but after 3 literally everyone has noticed and given lovely feedback.

If she’d commented she could have gotten a defensive comment back, I don’t think people can win mentioning weight. I told my friend she looked well, she’d lost a bit of weight but apparently not what she wanted and I got a bit of a lecture on weight not being important, how too many people were commenting and they shouldn’t because weight shouldn’t make a difference etc.

Op maybe she didn’t notice because your weight isn’t a thing to her

I don’t think weight or hair “blindness” is a thing as such. If people don’t notice big changes in someone, then it is simply as they don’t pay much attention to someone’s appearance.

and I can’t decide if that’s better than paying too much attention,I have a family member like this, she has a signficant weight issue, but is very attractive facially, or was, her face is puffy and fat now, and she has always competed with other women, always has done, I guess used to being the pretty girl. Now she stares and stares , and makes me at least, feel awkward, she stares at my hair, face, body, I can see her doing it, her eyes roving over me, and she loudly sighs if someone pays me a compliment. She never ever pays a compliment. To any woman, ever.

as she’s lost some weight and I knew she’d been dieting, so I told her she looked great and you could tell. She was chuffed with the comment, but then just turned away, my husband commented later he’d been watching the interaction and it looked like she just couldn’t bring herself to say anything back and if felt awkward to watch her.

I’ve lost several stone and she’s not once mentioned it. I don’t give a flying monkey as it’s her issues, but a previous poster commented some people have real issues with their own weight and body image, and it means they can’t be happy for others, and I think that’s true.

so I’m not sure what’s worse, paying too little attention or too much.

Well done! 4 stone is a lot of weight!
She may not have noticed though. If you dressed to ‘hide’ your weight for example it can then be hard to accurately see any weight loss. It also could depend on how this has translated to clothes sizing, if you’ve dropped from a 24 to 20 this may be hard to notice as well. Don’t let it discourage you.

Hi OP. Well done on your weight loss so far. I've lost 10 stone in the last 20 months and I know how hard you are working.

A couple of things, if I may.

A lot depends on how tall you are and how you carry your weight. I'm 6' tall and the first 4 stone genuinely wasn't that noticeable - my dress size didn't change dramatically during this period. A lot of it was visceral fat, which is the most dangerous for your health and therefore the most important to lose. If you Google the 'paper towel theory' you'll see that your weight loss will become more apparent as time goes on.

Secondly, depending on how quickly you've lost the weight and how frequently she sees you, it's entirely possible that your friend has just adjusted to your new shape. Humans are really bad at making absolute judgements as opposed to comparative ones, and if she had compared you directly to a picture of you at your heaviest she would undoubtedly have seen some difference.

Yes, it would have been kind of her to tell a gentle lie, but you caught her on the hop. In future, don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the honest answer. More broadly, whilst compliments and congratulations on weight loss can be lovely, you won't complete your journey and maintain your new weight if you are primarily motivated by external validation. You have to do this for yourself, and see anything else as a bonus.

Sending masses of good wishes for the rest of your journey

Starting weight nearly 24st, after a 3st loss, everyone noticed but that was colleagues who hadn’t seen me for a few weeks. Maybe someone who sees you frequently hasn’t noticed a loss? I don’t know. Meeting friends I haven’t seen for ages was cool, they all raved.

I agree. I recently met friends for lunch, who I hadn't seen for months. Whilst waiting for DF3 to arrive, DF2 told me DF3 had lost 3 stone. I couldn't wait to see and congratulate her. When she arrived she looked exactly the same. She didn't mention her weight. I felt as if DF2, at least, would be expecting a reaction from me. It was awkward.

Congratulations!! I need to lose 4 stone, how did you do it OP?

I hate being put on the spot and being manipulated into saying whatever someone is angling for. Maybe she was just annoyed by that?