To be upset with what my friend said?

[Blueybingomum]

I’m currently trying to lose weight. Iv lost just under 4 stone and have quite abit to go.

i went out with my BF last night for a few drinks and joked “can you tell iv lost any weight yet?”

and she seriously took a step back and looked me up and down and said no I’m sorry.

it ruined my night 😂😩 she was being deadly serious but surely in that situation you lie?

I really don't pay much attention to weight, I have a couple of friends who tell me about their losses and ask if I can tell. I politely say I can but in all honesty I don't see the difference. I don't know if it's because they're both friends I've known for a very long time and they are often on and off diets so I just don't see the weight. I don't see my friends aging neither, we're all late 30s but I think we look the same as we did at 18.

The thing is people can't have it both ways really.

The majority of MNetters say they dislike it or get offended when people mention their weight.

So many of us wouldn't ever mention it whether they've lost weight or not.

Me too - i’ve only lost a stone so no one has noticed yet… but I’d be really happy if they just said - “you look nice” or something.
Please fuck off mentioning my weight - it’s not anyone’s business!

I have one of these friends. I know it's because she would like to lose weight as well, she could afford the MJ tbh but doesn't want to spend on it. I don't mind really. I'm doing it for myself.

It is mentioned, we laugh at my spaniel ear boobs and she has actually given me clothes she no longer fits in. But me looking better/succeeding in being healthier is hardly mentioned. It's alright - I really don't mind because I know it's tough being overweight

I've known three people over the years with significant weight loss (3 stone) and not noticed. I've been really embarrassed when it's been pointed out to me and they clearly expected that I'd have said something first. Even when they'd told me, I struggled to see it. I think maybe I just didn't look at their bodies in that much detail maybe. If they'd asked me if they'd looked thinner I'd have felt really put on the spot as I don't want them to feel bad about a great achievement and I don't want to lie to their face, so asking how you look is a lose lose in this situation I think.

So going against the grain but I don't think it's her fault, and I think you put her in a difficult situation by asking

Do you see her very regularly? I remember years ago someone I saw every day saying they'd lost x amount, and although I nodded along and said how well they were doing I privately thought 'surely not, they look the same as always' but then I looked back at photos of them from when we first met and realised they must have gone down at least one dress size if not 2! I just hadn't noticed because it had been a gradual change over a year or so, so there was never a 'wow, you look different' moment.

@pastaandpesto I'm the same, severely weight blind (and hair blind even when people make a drastic change)...

If it was me in this situation, I would've just smiled and said you look great so I Do agree her reaction was rude.

I wouldve felt so awkward being asked so I do think you put her in an awkward situation.

If by some miracle I do notice that someone has lost weight I rarely comment as not all weightless is for good reasons and one friend that I did actually compliment later told me the reason she had lost so much weight was because she had been going through a really hard time so I just avoid the whole topic now.

Also, no-one noticed when I ditched the glasses I’d worn for 15 years. People are just oblivious

I recently saw a friend who has lost a lot of weight, she asked similar and I replied she looked amazing. Honestly I couldn't tell but then I never really paid much attention to her body because she's a friend and I'm just always pleased to see her and tend to look at her face. Sorry it ruined your night, maybe your friend always saw you as skinnier due to similar reasons.

You brought that one on yourself.
You asked. She answered.

If you didn't want an honest answer you could have phrased it differently. You could have led with how much weight you've lost and how pleased you are.

She might not have noticed because

• she sees you often so the change isn’t as noticeable to her
• she pays more attention to what you say than how you look
• the cut and colour of clothes can disguise or accentuate weight

You’ve done tremendously well.

Could she mean she can’t tell it’s 4 stone, rather than she can’t tell at all? Were you in baggy clothes? I suppose I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but quite honestly the fact she said sorry means she knew full well you’d be upset and she said it anyway. She could easily have said, ‘Is it that much? Wow! Well done!’ and that would seem nice like she didn’t think you even had that much to lose. I think we all know weight is sensitive so to be polite.

When I lost 2 stone, mainly from a virus, can't take the credit, well everyone noticed. So to lose 4 stone would be very noticeable. She's not a good friend. Well done -that's a lot to lose!
You don't need anyone else's validation or support as you've done it yourself. Keep going.

Congratulations on your weight loss.
Very impressive, you should be very proud of yourself .

Some people (I know quite a few) only notice weight loss when a person becomes really slim, if that makes sense. Up to that point - no. If not slim, they're classed as fat in those people's eyes. So, for example, if you were size 22 and now you're 18 or 16 - you'd be considered fat and not worth commenting on (I really do know people like that).

I was always very slim, but due to various issues, gained a lot of weight at one point in my life. Then lost it all, plus more, went from 113kg to 55-ish. That's 7.5 stone, I think. Or thereabouts. Two friends of mine haven't really noticed or said anything until I was almost down to my end weight. One day one of them suddenly said: oh wow! You're actually skinny now, you look amazing! It's bizarre, because I went from size 22ish (I'm very tall) to 6/8 and he noticed only when I was about size 10.

He's a lifelong friend, I've known him for decades, since I was a child, and know he wasn't being malicious or a knob deliberately.

It could be that. Or she's being knobby.

I think how noticeable it is, might depend on where the OP has lost it from and what she was wearing at the time.

You are losing weight to impress yourself, not your friends. Bear that in mind.

She should have just said yes

I am losing weight at the moment, and I am really not good at noticing stuff on anyone else

I had a surprise when someone I hadn't seen for six months or so told me she had lost three stone. She was looking absolutely amazing and she's doing a workout program that's really really challenging and has fabulous arm definition

So she came into the pub, and I said to her "you look fab" but it was a general observation and compliment

She said she'd lost three stone since we last met

I was surprised because I never thought of her as being overweight in the first place!

Could it be something like that?

The woman is very attractive, dresses beautifully, I only met her twice before a long gap - and then that was the time I saw her and she said she'd lost three stone.

It stayed on my mind for a bit, because she really didn't look fat in the first place! Which in turn made me think that perhaps I don't look as bad as I think I do.

is it possible that it's something like that?

@Blueybingomum and good for you by the way

I should really lose 4 1/2 stone, but I think it's unrealistic for me.

@LeBaiserDuDragon that is amazing

Do you mind if I ask how your skin coped with it? I'm slightly worried that fat is the scaffolding holding up my face!

Ok so my best friend lost a fair bit of weight and I legitimately didn't notice. It's not personal, I just have this weird blindness to people's appearance changing, it's like I have a way I see them in my head and they just always look like that.

I've not noticed people changing their hair colour and style drastically, removing beards that have been on their face for a while, tattoos, tans, veneers and a boob job (not all the same person!)

However I'd have the fucking tact to go "yeah you look absolutely amazing!" if she'd asked me that question, because I know my appearance-blindness is fully a me issue.

You know your friend OP, is she unobservant and tactless or is she mean?

She mean! Even if couldn't notice you would say something like 'you look great!' or 'well done.'

I've lost nearly 4 stone and nobody has noticed (I was nearly 17 stone to start with), my dad asked if I'd lost weight but nobody else had mentioned it all. I think because I'm still fat, they still just see a fat person.

Someone explained it as like peeling an onion, or unravelling a toilet roll, you don't notice the first few layers coming off but the closer your get to the end the more noticeable it is.

Four stone is a lot of weight to lose. There's always one friend who is jealous and will say this.

Don't mind her and keep going ! Fair play to you.

Well done! She's jealous, I am too 😂.

In future don't ask people! If she was a supportive friend and wanted to compliment on your job well done then she would without you having to ask her! She obviously doesn't want to make you feel good about yourself, in fact it sounds like she wants to do the opposite, so don't give her the set-up to knock you down next time.

Well done on the weight loss, 4 stone WILL be noticeable in some way, especially from someone who knows you well, so unless you have a tedious habit of fishing for compliments then she was being a cow.

It sounds like she is jealous to me .That is amazing OP, well plenty of us are praising you so well done without a doubt. I would think she did notice. Soon you will have to make sure you don't slip down a gutter as you walk near one I had never heard of that but in our slimming world group people knew about that. .I realise a lot of people do not notice things but losing a lot of weight changes people's faces and body. My DH lost 7 stones and had to buy smaller shoes as his feet were smaller.