Humiliated in restaurant

[Satwife]

Out for a meal last night with family/wider family. Starters all came at different points and a couple of issues with the mains too (forgetting sides). I had a polite word with the waitress who was apologetic. DH felt this was unnecessary.

Bill was brought over by a man and he apologised for the issues and said they were very busy with new staff getting used to things before December. Apology was directed to me.

DH said ‘sorry mate, she’s due on’ and laughed. Man didn’t react and awkwardly said he’d get the card machine.

DH maintains today I was being unreasonable and he attempted to diffuse things with humour!

He’s an idiot. Firstly you did nothing wrong, you are entitled to politely tell a waitress there’s a problem with order, secondly what a childish and embarrassing thing to say. He’s also embarrassed himself though. I have a sense of humour but I would honestly be seriously pissed off.

The waitress was neither humiliated nor bullied.

I would have walked out on my husband if he said something like that and frankly it might have ended our marriage!, but it would be so out of character for him. We’d both find that crass and inappropriate if someone else said it in front of us.

Is this out of character for him? Is it the sort of thing he’d normally say and/or find amusing?

So. Let’s unpack this. After some poor restaurant service, your husband was more keen to make a strange man feel comfortable via humiliating his own wife than to back you up. And he chose the “ time of the month/unreasonable bitch/ us men have to stick together in the face of these hormonal bleeding harpies” route in front of your family.

It’s your life OP and only you know what you are prepared to tolerate/ignore/excuse in order to stay married. I’m divorcing after nearly 30 years and feeling not a moment of regret.

There was nothing for him to diffuse as you had dealt with the issue in a calm and kind manner and the staff member and the man ( probably the shift manager ) were professional in their response. Your Husband on the other hand is a Neanderthal Twat.

I'd be utterly furious if anyone said that about me to a complete stranger. YANBU.

Are you taking part in some sort of creative writing course here?

The OP simply did the adult thing and had a quick word with the waitress about the problems with the orders.

I expect in your next post you'll accuse her of upending the table in a temper and flinging food at other diners! 🤣🤣

Not being rude but your husband sounds like a damp squib who has no back bone so assumes a mere question is confrontation.

he’d rather be sat there with no dinner than open his mouth.

Misogynistic loser

I can't abide wet lettuces that will put up with anything so they're not seen to be complaining

@Lollylucyclark101 having run restaurants for 20 years I can confirm you are 100% wrong. A quiet word, away from the table, is most likely to result in swift resolution. Only absolute cunts leave a bad review without informing the restaurant and giving them the chance to rectify it.

Beautifully put. Your husband is an arsehole and there is no way he only shows this once every few years. I would be leaving. I could have no respect for a man like this.

It doesn't sound like it.

What a prick.

🤣

na you do what snotty diners do. Humiliate.

she obviously thought she was “the head of the table” by going to have a word, maybe it made her feel important.

Like I said SPEAK TO THE MANAGER OR!! Leave a review.

Wow!

Ugh sorry I pressed YABU by mistake!! No, YANBU!!!!!

Yes, telling the waitress that food was missing is completely reasonable, and probably the kitchen's fault, anyway.

Your DH is a dick, and you know it. Why do you think you can't leave? If you want to stay with him, fine, but if you are posting on here, you know how unhappy you are deep down and are beginning to talk about him negatively. I would say this is the first step of disassociating from him.

Disrespectful twat

Totally sexist. I would be absolutely shocked if a partner said this about me. Why the fucking hell should you not complain? Is his mouth and tongue and lips somehow superior to yours? Can he speak words better than you? Jesus fucking Christ.

In 2002, I was on a ski trip with friends and we went to a pizza place. The pizzas took an hour to come. I complained and we got a bit of money off. I later found out that one of the men in the group said I should not have done that! We were all mid to late twenties. Mr. Sexist was an Aussie - no idea if that has anything to do with it. But he had lived in the UK for a long time! Anyway, yeah, there are some men who think ickle women should not be asserting themselves, ever, in any way.

Around the same time, I was out for a meal with a female friend, and they didn't have the meal she ordered. Instead of the server telling her this and asking what else she'd like, they just chose for her and brought her out a random meal! And good for her, she just stared at him and said "I don't want it!" (This was so weird that on reflection I do wonder if there was a mix-up.)

@Dunnocantthinkofone "if the woman puts up with this sort of shit, then absolutely they take a share of the blame, unless of course it’s the one and only time it’s ever happened and is completely out of character"

Well, OP says he did it once before, so she let it go as being out of character. And now he's done it again, and she's come here to get feedback.

In any case, I think blaming women for their misogynistic H is unfair. We swim in the soup of the patriarchy, it's hard to see the toxicity because it's all around us and it has always been around us. We're SURROUNDED by misogynistic men and misogyny, it's still everywhere. Including in our heads. Including on MN. Like a fish swimming in mercury-poisoned waters, we don't see the misogyny until someone says something that suddenly exposes it, or until it so completely wrecks our lives that we are impelled to go searching for answers to why our life is wrecked.

And it's easy to say, "LTB!" but hard to do when you are financially and emotionally entwined with the misogynistic H or worse you share children. There's a lot to lose so women inevitably get on the Hopium carousel for a while when they suddenly see what a foul arse their H is. They hope that pleading and talking will cause him to change. Which yeah, almost NEVER works and just serves to waste the woman's time and energy, causing her to spend years of her life being disrespected and feeling stressed and upset. But Hopium is addictive and there are many many societal forces pushing women to stay in crap relationships.

So yeah, I don't like this instant blaming of women for the shit behaviour of their H. It seems shaming and as OP said, it is again blaming women for men's behaviour. Not helpful IMV.

More embarrassing to demonstrate a woeful lack of knowledge of normal restaurant behaviour and use the word fl*d. As well as post in a sneering manner. Nasty

When an utterly grotesque individual !

This occurred to me also and sadly it seems to be a common occurrence as we here about it and similar misogyny on these forums so often! 😥

From that and at 77 a little 'personal' experience, it's become obvious to me that many males of the species either can't help themselves or, even if they do have some understanding of just how misplaced and wrong this sort of behaviour is they just carry on with it anyway as their entitlement and feelings of 'superiority' usually wins out in the end whatever the situation? 🙄
Humans as a species are of course complex beings but men seem to have been at the back of the cue when many emotions and common sense etc were handed out and we women sadly by default are too often the recipients of this...😡

Having a WHAT?