To think a lot of MN are ableist?

[Sweetlifeofyours]

So I wasn’t going to post but as a mum with a disabled child myself I feel like I have to get things off my chest. I have read a couple of threads over the past week or so regarding mothers who are looking for advice and support for their disabled child/children (2 that stick out to me)

I was very sad to see that there were only a few posters who actually gave support and advice to the OP’s. The rest were in my opinion, downright rude and nasty and clearly just wanted to upset the OP’s even more for whatever reason.

As a mum with a SEN child, it is incredibly difficult and I myself don’t always get the correct help and support I need so to come on here and see that other women/parents show their (somewhat) true opinions of disabled children upset me.

I am completely 100% on board that autism shouldn’t be an excuse for everything, but surely some compassion wouldn’t go amiss to a struggling parent.

One of the worst things I read was a poster saying to the OP that they should make sure their child doesn’t turn into a sex offender because he enjoys hugs. Says more to me about the poster rather than the OP and their child.

I guess my AIBU is, do you think people (maybe especially on here) should have more compassion for the disabled community or have you read threads where you agree with the majority of comments (especially where we are talking about young children)?

I'd say most people are compassionate. But one child's needs and wants doesn't trump anothers, and that applies particularly to body autonomy.

I think it's hard to understand unless you've lived it. My dc have ADHD. I now realise you can't just be stricter or have clearer boundaries etc. it just doesn't work. Their brains do not process info in the same way as your compliant neurotypical child.

But I probably would have made those suggestions pre-dc. "Have you tried putting clear boundaries in place by XYZ" "why are you allowing them to run about all over the place"

I think in general posters are trying to help, they just don't get it.

I agree. But one that stuck in my mind was where there was a discussion about a young child. I can’t remember exactly how old the child was, maybe 4/5? And at school with the children he liked, he would show the child he liked them by hugging too hard. A poster replied that the OP should keep an eye on that he may turn into a sexual offender when he’s older. Then as soon as that was posted, there were other posters that jumped on that to that. I mean we were talking about a 4 year old.

I did feel sorry for the mum as when my own child was in nursery, he didn’t understand boundaries but there were nothing sinister about his behaviour. When he got into reception thankfully I/the school managed to control this behaviour but I know for some this isn’t always the case

I mean there's an active thread at the moment with one poster suggesting that babies who are born severely disabled should be euthanised at birth in the pretence of lack of quality of life but in reality, it is to save money. At least one person has agreed with it as well.

Some of the comments on here in regards to disabled people, including children, are disgusting.

I think MN reflects what society actually thinks, but sometimes doesn't say in real life (people are more candid online).

You notice rude comments about disability because it is a cause close to you. I notice comments about another thing I feel strongly about. If they go beyond the pale I report them, and so should you.

But if you are talking about differing viewpoints on societal issues (rather than nasty comments to/at a specific poster or their family) then I think everyone should be able to say what they think within the bounds of the law.

I mean obviously that's a prime example of a comment that needs reporting. MN is reactively moderated.

@Sweetlifeofyours oh that is bad, especially when most children who are not ND or disabled in any way go through a hitting/biting/personal space issue. It's not ideal, but they grow out of it with guidance. And the guidance part is key - I don't think anyone should be annoyed that a child (disabled or not) is getting things wrong as long as all steps are taken to keep others safe and help the child learn. But so often (and I have been on the receiving end of this and it fucked me off royally) outrageous behaviour from a child goes uncorrected or even unsupervised, and then when someone has to step in the parent suddenly appears shouting about how their child is autistic and people should be sympathic. But that is down to terrible parenting.

Ableism and ageism both thrive on here

Yet there seems to be different rules for comments when it involves disabled people.

I've reported comments before and nothing gets done so I've given up reporting them.

In that instance though the 4 year old wasnt accepting a no from the little girl he was hurting with his rough hugs. The girl was getting upset and the teachers and the OP/mum were not taking it seriously. Every child needs to learn to respect someone's no to physical touch. The OP was gloating about how the teachers were on her side and she wouldn't be telling her son to leave the little girl alone. The sexual assault comment was more about the OP's behaviour and her failure to teach her son.

In that thread people were responding to the OP who didn’t give a shit that her son was repeatedly hugging and hurting a little girl who didn’t want him to touch her “it’s just a hug who cares” “it means he likes her” “I won’t try to tell him to stop”.

Yes the sex offender comment was extreme but it was a reaction to the OP’s terrible attitude, not the child.

Not to derail the thread but I’d be interested to hear some examples of ageism on here? Just out of interest

"A poster replied that the OP should keep an eye on that he may turn into a sexual offender when he’s older."

I'm pregnant with a little boy. This information is useful to me because if I do come across this type of individual, I'll be having a few choice words that may be followed by a middle finger, or two. What a plank. Boys/men are not sexual predators automatically by having a penis. It's usually women who have this line of thinking and it's seriously pathetic.

Except that men are typically physically stronger and also the main perpetrators of sexual assaults. So I'm being damn sure to make sure my son is respectful of boundaries and a decent human being. You should do the same.

@Kirbert2
I find attitudes like yours and in general the UK's quite culturally different.

In Denmark euthanasia has been performed up to age 3 on profoundly disabled children.

@Kirbert2
That was my child that the poster remarked about quality of life or the lack thereof and how 60 years ago she wouldn’t have been alive and nature would take its course.
I’m sick of MN so I think I’m going to delete my account- solely because of posters like that one. I’m sure if a poster said trans people shouldn’t be alive or people who are a minority ethnically or racially the poster would be banned. But it’s evidently fine if it’s a child born with severe physical limitations.
And to say them to the parents of a child like mine as if I could reverse time and stop her coming into existence.

The other poster referred to everyone being “out of empathy” (I presume they actually mean sympathy) but again that’s supposed to be representative of the public at large.

Wgat a wonderful world we live in.

That's not true! What are you on about?

I completely agree that something more should have been done and that the OP was BU with her replies. But for a poster to say that the child would probably turn into a sex offender was what really got to me. There’s one thing being honest and giving advice, but to brand a 4 year old as a potential sexual predator is what is wrong with opinions on the disabled community

I guess my AIBU is, do you think people (maybe especially on here) should have more compassion for the disabled community or have you read threads where you agree with the majority of comments (especially where we are talking about young children)?

Yes to both of those things.

The topic is so varied that it isn't always an either/or situation.

But having said that I have seen some shockingly nasty/ignorant posts regarding disability OP, so YANBU.

I'm physically disabled, as well as being ND, both my kids are also diagnoses ASD/ADHD.

I don't think a lot of people on here are consciously ablist, but i do think people who don't have kids with disabilities need to check their privilege and back off judging the parenting of disabled children when they have no fucking clue what they're talking about

While I understand why you are alert and sensitive to posts about children with disabilities, I think that you’re both reasonable and unreasonable.

While there is an element of people not knowing what life with a disabled child is like, I think that this isn’t a MN thing.

One of the biggest lies around today is that most kids with SEN can be educated in the mainstream system. The truth is that the system operates like that for money saving reasons. The children with SEN as well as those without and the adults are not having a safe and decent classroom experience and it’s perfectly fair and not ableist for people to complain that schools have their hands tied and can’t deal with situations.

I think what we've established here is that boys are stronger than girls and they tend to not realise their own strength at the age of 4. It's not a marker of predatory behaviour later in life. For goodness sake what a stupid way of thinking.

Oh believe me my son will be raised correctly, you've no need to worry about how I, a stranger, raise my own child.

I'll say no more on the subject and will leave this thread.

And sexism.

OP, have you seen the other thread that says MNHQ are going to increase their moderation as they too have noticed an increase in nastiness on threads?

I’d say that some of what you’re experiencing here is less about ableism and more a general trend across the site of threads being derailed by people being pointlessly nasty (the comment about the little boy potentially becoming a sex offender sounds like one of them). It seems as though some people view it as a ‘sport’ - as pathetic as that is. Hopefully some of the tighter moderation will stop these people.

The primary responsibility of a parent is child safety and setting appropriate physical boundaries. It is disingenuous to use the thread concerning a disabled person's constant holding, touching, kissing the OP's baby to suggest a parent should sacrifice safety for another person's emotional comfort just because that person is disabled person and has taken a particular shine to the baby. Assessing the risk of injury whether accidental or deliberate and considering the potential for inappropriate touching are necessary parental duties. It's the parent's responsibility to establish boundaries concerning touch until the child is capable of consenting.