To think a lot of MN are ableist?

[Sweetlifeofyours]

So I wasn’t going to post but as a mum with a disabled child myself I feel like I have to get things off my chest. I have read a couple of threads over the past week or so regarding mothers who are looking for advice and support for their disabled child/children (2 that stick out to me)

I was very sad to see that there were only a few posters who actually gave support and advice to the OP’s. The rest were in my opinion, downright rude and nasty and clearly just wanted to upset the OP’s even more for whatever reason.

As a mum with a SEN child, it is incredibly difficult and I myself don’t always get the correct help and support I need so to come on here and see that other women/parents show their (somewhat) true opinions of disabled children upset me.

I am completely 100% on board that autism shouldn’t be an excuse for everything, but surely some compassion wouldn’t go amiss to a struggling parent.

One of the worst things I read was a poster saying to the OP that they should make sure their child doesn’t turn into a sex offender because he enjoys hugs. Says more to me about the poster rather than the OP and their child.

I guess my AIBU is, do you think people (maybe especially on here) should have more compassion for the disabled community or have you read threads where you agree with the majority of comments (especially where we are talking about young children)?

Isn't euthanasia illegal in Denmark?

Or are you talking about what they used to do with profoundly disabled children which wouldn't happen today in 2025?

If it isn't done today in 2025, what is so culturally different?

Well, except that a dysfunctional upbringing (and the parents of that child didn't want to enforce basic boundaries) is a predictor of someone who commits sexual assaults as an adult. My daughter will be around strangers like your adult son, so yes, it is a concern.

@Sillysoggyspaniel

(Edit - and @Kirbert2 )

Apologies, the Netherlands.
You have to read through the article/extract:
https://adc.bmj.com/content/110/5/397

Unfortunately I'm actually talking about a different comment which just goes to show how much it is happening. That poster isn't talking about another posters child, they are saying that profoundly disabled babies at birth shouldn't be allowed to live to save money.

can we not turn this thread into a dissection of the other one please.

I think part of the problem is that so many people have now been diagnosed with special needs based on ever-broadening definitions of ADHD and austism.

ADHD seems to be a catch-all term for any number of behavioral issues and completely ignores environmental factors.

A relative was diagnosed as having ADHD at 17 and has been on medication ever since (going on 8 years) but has never worked and is likely to be a lifelong recipient of social welfare.

In my opinion telling a teenager they can't focus on schoolwork because they have a genetic disposition is utter nonsense, cruel, mercenary and counter-productive. Her family life was chaotic - that is why she couldn't concentrate, but the medical industry doesn't make money out of that common reality.

She gave up trying because medical staff told her it was outside her control.

The definition of autism has also been broadened so much in recent years as to include anyone who has any issue with social interaction when many of these are also down to environmental factors that are deliberately being ignored by the medical industry who like to label everything as having a "genetic disposition" because that drives the bottom line.

I actually think MN is the opposite.

Every single time a parent posts about a challenge they are having their child, people rush to diagnose SEN and excuse inadequate parenting styles.

There was a thread on here yesterday where a poster said that benefits should be cut before she she should pay more for living in a half a million pound house, because people with disabilities get given fancy cars like BMWs.
She knew it was true because she read it on Reddit 🙄

MN has turned into a nest of vipers over the last year or two. There is so much hate towards children with disabilities and the educational resources they take up and don't get me started on the attitudes against disabled adults and their 'free BMWs'. It's really quite sad. Having children with SN is what led me to MN in the first place many years ago and the help/support/advice/wisdom of many posters really helped me through some very difficult years and enabled me to fight for my children in ways I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. I am actually considering deactivating my account over the disability hate here and the complacency of MN. There are many threads left to stand which would have been pulled quickly a few years ago. It's a very different place now.

Agree, a lot of ableism mainly due to the warped view that increasing taxes is going straight to those in need and not ridiculous expense claims made by corrupt MP's.
A close family member had a fabulous job and owned 2 homes with their dh, she had a traumatic birth which made her disabled. Whilst pregnant her husband made her sign over one of the properties (little did we know she was being abused and coercively controlled) whilst recovering from a c section and brain haemorrhage, her husband left her and their newborn and pays the bare minimum as he has his own business. She can't work due to lasting mobility issues and is on PIP and UC. They sold the other house and she had to live off that money (which wasn't a lot as her DH had remortgaged to pump money into his company) whilst moving back in with her parents who helped care for her and her baby and is now waiting for a council house.
It's fucking shocking how cruel and judgemental people can be on here and the worst thing is that because it is an anonymous platform, people are saying what they really think. Not everyone on benefits is lazy, most have contributed to the system.

The issue there is that there isn't enough resources available full stop for education, and SEN take up a huge amount of funding. That is unavoidable, but it does mean that funding is taken away from many other children who would also benefit from that money.

I've never heard of medical staff telling someone with ADHD that there issues are out of their control, that would only be relevant to people who lack mental capacity and would need a high level of support. Things are more difficult for people with ADHD and they learn differently, professionals are often giving them strategies to live a full life, not absolving them of all responsibility.

I've read it. It sounds as though it is technically still illegal and very rarely used.

The poster I'm talking about was saying ALL profoundly disabled babies should be euthanised at birth. This is also without parental agreement and purely to save money.

Yes. Society is ableist and Mumsnet reflects that unfortunately. I think the behaviour of going out of your way to telling you just don't think autism exists on a thread where someone is talking about their child's difficulties is poor.

And there is an exact example I was talking about. Ableism and misandry. You do realise you’re talking about an unborn baby?

Do you have ADHD or Autism? have you in any way been involved in the process of diagnosis? Or are you observing and commenting from the angle of someone who has only observed it second hand?

Your post is rubbish. I've been through both Autism & ADHD diagnosis with both my kids as young children, as teens, and myself as an adult, at varying points since 2012.

At no point has ANY professional EVER told my kids or myself that they 'can't' do something because of their AuDHD, what has been said is you have X, it causes Y. And then they've had a mix of therapy and counselling and support to help them work through it and with it.

Any professional using the word 'can't' within the ADHD/ASD diagnostic community is NOT a good dr, nor are they following guidelines.

This is the exactly what I mean. Ill informed posters who point the fingers at disabled children. No disabled child takes resources away from a non-disabled child. Children without SN tend to be in education full time and without many issue. Children like mine spend long periods out if school through now fault of there own. It's not the fault of disabled kids, if the government doesn't fund education properly.

You could say that also works the other way around.

There isn't enough resources full stop and non-SEN children take up a huge amount of funding. That is unavoidable, but it does mean that funding is taken away from many other children who would also benefit from that money.

But you never read that, because the original comment is inherently ableist.

Most Mumsnetters are extremely compassionate.

Don't confuse people being concerned with an overdiagnosis of ADHD and a willingness of some parents to drug their children because they've not parented them well with ableism.

I agree. On a recent thread about an autistic colleague and their adjustments there were a lot of comments along the lines of “pandering to that nonsense” and complaints about other people not getting the same adjustments. Obviously made by very ignorant people but as a mother to autistic children it was upsetting

Yes I think a lot of people are abelist. I see a lot of dehumanising language about people's value to society based on whether they pay tax or not or how much they cost.

I dont mean reaaonable debate about costs and how to manage them but a real sense of othering and blame on infividuals.

Please can we not police people addressing a point the OP has raised?

My comment is hardly a dissection of that particular thread.

and the same people will likely judge autistic people who claim out of work benefits.

Disabled people can't win.

she wasn't raising a point, she was using it as an example, it was not to invite further discussion of that thread.

Such ignorance. AdHD isn’t just finding focusing difficult. 🙄Both ADHD and autism are under diagnosed and under treated in this country.

YANBU OP