To think a lot of MN are ableist?

[Sweetlifeofyours]

So I wasn’t going to post but as a mum with a disabled child myself I feel like I have to get things off my chest. I have read a couple of threads over the past week or so regarding mothers who are looking for advice and support for their disabled child/children (2 that stick out to me)

I was very sad to see that there were only a few posters who actually gave support and advice to the OP’s. The rest were in my opinion, downright rude and nasty and clearly just wanted to upset the OP’s even more for whatever reason.

As a mum with a SEN child, it is incredibly difficult and I myself don’t always get the correct help and support I need so to come on here and see that other women/parents show their (somewhat) true opinions of disabled children upset me.

I am completely 100% on board that autism shouldn’t be an excuse for everything, but surely some compassion wouldn’t go amiss to a struggling parent.

One of the worst things I read was a poster saying to the OP that they should make sure their child doesn’t turn into a sex offender because he enjoys hugs. Says more to me about the poster rather than the OP and their child.

I guess my AIBU is, do you think people (maybe especially on here) should have more compassion for the disabled community or have you read threads where you agree with the majority of comments (especially where we are talking about young children)?

Yes there is a lot of ableism on this forum.

Unfortunately people are believing the toxic narrative peddled in part of the media and by many politicians about disabled people faking or exaggerating their conditions so they can claim benefits or about mental health issues, ADHD and autism not being real conditions.

It is really upsetting.

If you had to pull out your child, you need to blame the school. It's not the disabled boy's fault the school failed in their duty to safeguard your DD. Its that simple really.

I also assume your DD is elsewhere now and unlike so many disabled children isn't left without access to formal education?

That’s not ok, I agree. But some posters took it too far and that’s the point I am trying to make. A few were supportive, a few made fair and balanced points but the majority just wanted to bash a little boy with disabilities and it’s horrible to see

A child like this isn’t having the provision he needs and it’s not his fault.

It’s not enabled, if a school does enable such behaviour it’s the school at fault again.

There is not a lot of threads where disabled people or children are hurting others. That is simply not true and you’re trying to stir up unpleasantness towards disabled people. Do not try to infer that disabled children are impacting other children as a rule, they’re not. One or two are not getting the provision they need which impacts others. It’s not their fault. Trying to whip up a massive problem is scaremongering against disabled children and very unpleasant.

i remember the post. the language used by a multitude of posters towards a 5 year old with very high support needs which clearly were but met was horrendous. The OP received a lot of good advice on this threat.

But I don't understand how people's take away from such threads is that disabled children are to blame when it is very obvious that the issues are systematic and that education as a whole is underfunded.

That is not PPs concern.
PPs concern is her own child who wasnt being protected at school

I think one problem is that the word 'disabled' has expanded so much and now includes so many conditions. It no longer seems to mean what it used to.

Agreed, that is exactly what I am saying. The school was at fault, not a disabled child with unmet needs.

It still means the same. Do say how the meaning has changed.

it's clearly defined in the equality act 2010. which part of the definition do you think is unclear and too broad???

Who made you the thread police.? Jog.on.

Is that the reason they gave when you asked for a MR? I should probably be surprised but I'm not.

My child is well behaved but was awarded high rate care and high rate mobility. Well behaved disabled children can absolutely get DLA too.

It’s important though to (kindly) respond to those who are clearly in their own echo chamber and being unreasonable, to try to get them to see the perspective of others. For example, a couple of weeks ago there was a poster whose child was aggressive and lashing out at other children in their mainstream school setting, who was temporarily excluded. Poster was furious but didn’t seem to be able to acknowledge that the parents of the victims of this aggressive behaviour shouldn’t have to put up with the behaviour just because of her son’s SENs. It’s very easy to become blinkered when there’s any drama connected to our children.

care to quote WHERE I said that?

As a SEN mum I agree there is plenty of ableism on here and in RL. There was a thread recently about the cost of independent special schools being unaffordable. There are children whose needs are not met in MS (and MN’ers grumble about their behaviour and impact on others), who cannot get a LA place because they are all taken, but also shouldn’t be given any other available provision (eg an independent) because it’s too expensive. Where exactly are these children meant to go? Why, in a smorgasbord of examples of taxpayers’ money being pissed liberally up walls, do we highlight a tiny number of disabled children for savings?

I suspect the antipathy is because, deep down, many people don’t accept that severely autistic children are not just poorly parented or over-indulged, or that their behaviour is not voluntary. The ability to blame someone else seems to negate any sense of societal responsibility towards supporting them. OTOH a child with (say) a heart condition, or requiring dialysis, has no attached budgetary constraints because “it’s nobody’s fault”.

Makes me sad for my DS who is autistic and very obviously disabled by it.

It is my experience that, generally, people 'care' right up until it costs them in some way, any way, to carry on 'caring'.

It's shitty when your child is a kid and trust me it gets a hundred times worse when they're an adult.

Its just about ok to be a disabled child but you really should be out of sight out of mind and fucking cheap to care for when you hit 18 or if you're not the warm and cosy feel good for helping kind of disabled child.

It didn't used to be so blatant but more people are saying their inside thoughts out loud these days.

I sound bitter? That's because I am. My kids are both disabled and they are in their mid 20s now and I have been fighting for them all this time and will be till the day I die.

Biggest thing I've learned is that most people want you to go away and be disabled somewhere else that won't affect the normals.

100% spot on! On a lot of the threads, I’ve seen the statement “bad parenting” been said plenty of times. Sometimes this may be the case I guess, but I know a few parents with SEN children and they put up with a hell of a lot and are just trying their best for their children. I just don’t think there’s much compassion from some people and I do find it ignorant. It’s sad to see

Not talking about Benefits? you butted into a conversation that literally started about benefits and people moaning about how they're spent, and moaned about derailing.

I think this is what actually frustrates me the most.

People complain when a child can't cope in mainstream and are disrupting their child's education but then also go on to complain when children go to specialist schools, have taxis paid for etc because it costs money.

I'm not seeing a 3rd option here.

exactly

Every school has example of children being violent, chair thrown to other children, fighting and other children hurt or terrified.

The school and the system having to deal with these on individual basis, and assess what cause the behaviour and how to stop it.

It's none of the other parent's problem - their only job is to be firm enough with the school to make sure their own children are never beaten up or injured.

No one is saying only disabled children are violent, or children are only violent if they are disabled. It's irrelevant. It's not being ableist!

Ahh. The old autism is not an excuse

For displaying behaviours that are wholly a result of being autistic.

My sister is blind. I can't imagine anyone saying I know you're blind but it's no excuse for not being able to see, other people shouldn't be affected by your blindness.

Conditions that are disabling. How is this a problem exactly?