Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

You're being unreasonable here. It's not really about you. It's a lovely idea and one I would do with my ex when our children reach 18.

But you said you don't really get on with her.

Don't be so deliberately stupid. You know damn well what the OP meant. Just because she's a stepmum doesn't mean she is simply a fucking skivvy who has to take on responsibility for all the domestic shit. The one to blame here is the sperm donor who should have taken responsibility for HIS daughter rather than dumping the child related grunt work on the new woman. Sadly some men do this, cheered on, aided and abetted by the squealing handmaidens of misogyny some of whom have popped up like bindweed on this thread. The OP simply should have been welcoming, kind and courteous to her stepdaughter but left daddy dearest to tidy up after his child, to do the school run etc. Instead the OP does the work while the bearer of the flaccid dick wafts around pretending to be father of the year. No the OP doesn't need to be invited not does she need a medal for not "throwing a mega tantrum" as you spouted in your other hyperbolic post. The OP has misplaced her frustrations in this case. There's nothing wrong with just the two parents and their daughter having celebratory meal. But the OP does have a problem. With her husband who has dismissed her efforts with the DSD. She didn't need to do that stuff. Not her child after all. Daddy dearest should have expressed appreciation either by acknowledging her unseen work instead of ignoring the fact he's been able to slack off. If parents are so keen to tell stepmums how unimportant they are then they should be delighted to do all the work such as clearing up mess made by the child, taking care of their child, ferrying their child. Or pay someone a professional wage to do it. But don't expect someone else to do that work for free for you and your offspring without basic appreciation. They don't have to fucking do it.

This is how my relationship has been. I've never done any of the school run / washing / cooking / taxiing etc for my step kids. Not in 13 years. Never met their mother either, nor will I be contributing to their uni/wedding fees.

It's a most harmonious set up.

But this is surely about what the daughter wants, no? Why do you want to go if you don’t get on with her?

Good for you.
Edited to say I sound like I am being sarcastic, but I am not!

I wonder how much free housework & childminding her mum's partner has done?

To my mind, there are two issues here.

Your stepdaughter having a meal out with her bio parents is one issue.
By your own admission, you don't get on and so that would likely spoil the dinner for everyone. YABU. It's best you don't go. Let your stepdaughter enjoy her time as the focus of attention from her bio parents.It will be a lovely thing for your DSD who survived a family breakup and has maintained good relationships with both her bio parents.

The comment about them having raised her is a whole other issue, imo. YANBU. It denies your very real and sizable contribution.

First, I think your DH needs to sit down with his daughter and explain how the collapse of her bioparents' marriage is on them. Even if you were the OW, it was still her Dad's choice. Also her treatment of you is no reflection on her loyalty to her mum but it is unfair to you, especially given all that you have done for her.

Then, DH needs to plan something lovely for you, OP, because you deserve it and your DSD can come along to thank you, or not, just as she chooses, but you need celebrating too.

Well, it doesn’t matter if it is 0% or 100%. OP has to make her own choices.

You’ve said you don’t really get along. That’ll be why.

Oh of course.

It often seems the way that dads aren't as available for their contact time as mums are!

Yeah, but you don’t have a great relationship with the birthday girl so obviously you wouldn’t be at the meal.

She’s 18 now. Start to claw back all the time you’ve spent on her over the last 9 years, starting with her birthday meal. Take yourself off and do something nice for you whilst they’re out celebrating.

Too many people in this situation become obsessed about status and being given their place.

OP you have years ahead of you of feeling slighted - you will never be treated like a parent by this young woman. That’s not how she sees you - and that’s okay.

Instead of trying to force your way into the room, why not take a step back? Let her know you would love to get to know her as adult., but in her time and by her rules?

don’t fight to be at every birthday dinner, graduation. Don’t throw a temper tantrum over where your seat is at her wedding. Don’t tell your husband he can’t visit his new grandchild in the hospital unless you are there.

Give control back to this young woman. See if you have anything in common - see if a relationship develops that isn’t forced. This will take years - but to be fair she had been given no choice but to have your forced into her life.

You're overthinking it. She has 2 parents who can apparently get on well enough to have raised their daughter and take her out for her birthday celebration. Good for them.
As for the 'we raised her' - it's true, they have. You may have helped out and your DH should be giving you credit and thanking you for that. His ex wife doesn't need to do either.

You can be raised by people who are not biologically related to you , you do know that right ?

I would go on a long solo trip and leave them to it. I do that at least twice a year even though I am not a stepmum! Cannot recommend it enough.

It does take a village. But how many people help ‘raise’ a child. And does that make them parents?

OP did school runs, cleaning and cooking - it’s not clear what the custody arrangement was. Maybe 50-50, maybe less.

She didn’t seem to have much of an emotional connection with the child - did she just do the ‘work’ stuff or talk through the child’s problems and fears etc?

What OP did didn’t necessarily raise her - and she didn’t necessarily do more than grandparents or aunts and uncles. Even neighbours.

Ha! Yes sure a neighbour or aunt did more than OP. I find this very hard to believe.
Do all the school runs cooking and cleaning, but still the neighbour gets more credit!
I will be warning DD to never be a stepmum. The most thankless job on earth, it appears.

What the fuck? Did you mean to he so offensive?

I’m a single parent, my kid’s dad and I split when they were very little and they see him a few weekends a month. I have still give my kids a wonderful, happy home, their dad is still involved and around. Are you saying that as a split up family, I can’t take my kids out to celebrate their birthdays and their dad can’t come along for special events? That we have failed and our kids don’t deserve any family outings and their life has been shit and miserable?

You’re awful. What a shitty comment to make that single parents have somehow failed and don’t deserve to celebrate their kids and we’ve given them a miserable life. I hope mumsnet kicks you off because this site is full of single parents.

I didn’t say the neighbour did more than OP- we don’t know how much OP did. We don’t even know how often the child was at her house. I was talking hypothetically- who raises a child.

is it the person who cleans their bedroom once a week and collects her from school two days a week. Does putting a wash on equate to raising a child?

where is the line drawn? I lived with my nephew for two years when he was a baby. Did loads to help - night feeds, cleaning, washing, driving for hours to get him to sleep. Did I raise him - no. he is 18 now - I don’t try and muscle in when he spends time with his parents. But I speak to him once a week and we are very close.

is the difference here that OP is married to a parent - does that elevate the lifts and washing into raising the child. Even though they have no connection and don’t like each other? If OP covered tomorrow she would have no relationship.

just to add - I added the neighbor because growing up we shared school lifts with the neighbours. In and out of each others houses. She didn’t raise me - but I saw her every day - ate dinner there maybe once a week. Possibly more contact than OP and her step daughter

Washing children's clothes, cooking for them, doing school runs is absolutely part of raising a child. We think it's not because men don't want to do it and prefer talking about the child's hopes and dreams. Which wouldn't exist if they weren't fed or taken to school!
Women's unpaid work is always devalued.

You don't like her, she doesn't like you.
What would be the point of going? So she has a miserable birthday.
You say you have done a lot for her, but it sounds like it was grudgingly and the person to blame for that is your DH, not your DSD.

she didn’t necessarily do more than grandparents or aunts and uncles. Even neighbours.

Or either of her parents, to be fair. Being a DNA provider doesn't equal 'raising'

This is all projection on your part. Get therapy.

Nailed it.