Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

I'm sorry OP but it does sound like you were free childcare/skivvy all these years.
Men that split often find someone quickly so they don't caught for it themselves.
Utterly thankless job, as you have found out.

They aren't just choosing to go to dinner together. Their daughter is turning 18 and she's asked them to dinner. That's her choice.

I think you will find they have free will to do it , therefore that is a choice. OPS position in this has been made clear . By them and all their choices

Well he couldn’t get on with his ex long enough not to fuck up his 1st family could he? 😂 now he wants to play happy families at the expense of his wife’s feelings. I’m entitled to my opinion,

I agree with this .

I agree with you op. Being a step parent is a thankless task. I completely gave up and left my dh to it as I wasn’t getting any thanks or respect. Of course you should be there.

I now have a mutually respectful relationship with one of them who’s now an adult and who has apologised to me for her previous behaviour.

I am going to assume that being a stepdad is much easier. Bet they are never turned into skivvies.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, let her have this one occasion with just her mum and dad there rather than having to appease their new partners. You say you don't even get on so why would you want to spoil her 18th?!

OP I assume if you were doing the school run you must have other children too?

You have listed all the things you did for this girl - I assume with her washing, school runs, cleaning her dad had 50-5P custody.

there are big questions here - did you just facilitate him having 50-50 custody?

why did you do all this? Was it to help your husband or was it in exchange for a relationship with the child?

Like others have said, I wouldnt sacrifice 9 years to parent a child who wasn’t mine and who didn’t want me in their life.

did you give up work to do school runs? Sacrifice time with your family and friends to parent her? Go to parents evenings alone, doctors, dentist, school parties, concerts? Where was her mother, where was her father?

it all sounds very unfair if you truly were parenting her - unfair to you and unfair to her.

she doesn’t owe you a relationship. But if you truly did most of the parenting then you
should have stood up for yourself. Pushed back. Said her mum and dad do school pickup, take her to the doctor, sort her uniforms etc.

Mmm, an invite to the special meal might have been nice but would it really have made up for the 'free nanny' feeling, or the feeling that you offered love and friendship to this child that was consistently refused for years?
I'm guessing that it would have been very awkward for everyone to have you there, unless you are on much friendlier terms with the girl's mum than you've suggested.
Step families are hard for everyone, but worse for the kids because they had no choice in how things were arranged, and no option to walk away.

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Nice for you maybe, but this is about your SD, and it would be nice for her to go out just with her parents this one time.

It’s the step daughter she doesn’t get along with.

You don’t like her yet you want to go to her 18th dinner. It’s not about you it is about what your SD wants. You are taking your frustrations about being a skivvy out on the wrong person.

To my mind, there are two issues here.

Your stepdaughter having a meal out with her bio parents is one issue.
By your own admission, you don't get on and so that would likely spoil the dinner for everyone. YABU. It's best you don't go. Let your daughter enjoy her time as the focus of attention from her bio parents. Celebrate her with your husband another way on another day. Maybe a birthday cake after her favourite meal at home for a day out by yourselves. A stepmother daughter spa day, shopping spree. Whatever appeals to you both.

The comment about them having raised her is a whole other issue, imo. YANBU. It denies your very real and sizable contribution to bringing her up. I think the solution is the same though. Have your own celebration with your stepdaughter which acknowledges your pride in her and a deserved recognition of your supporting role.

Skivvy , how dare you say that . The kids of first wives / birth parents are precious . It’s a privilege to look after them and meet their every need / whim . Forget step mums , they are dispicable and their feelings do not matter .

Yes. The person at fault is your husband. He should have done that work.

To my mind, there are two issues here.

Your stepdaughter having a meal out with her bio parents is one issue.
By your own admission, you don't get on and so that would likely spoil the dinner for everyone. YABU. It's best you don't go. Let your daughter enjoy her time as the focus of attention from her bio parents. Celebrate her with your husband another way on another day. Maybe a birthday cake after her favourite meal at home or a day out by yourselves - a stepmother daughter spa day, a shopping spree - whatever appeals to you both.

The comment about them having raised her is a whole other issue, imo. YANBU. It denies your very real and sizable contribution to bringing her up. I think the solution is the same though. Have your own celebration with your stepdaughter which acknowledges your pride in her and a deserved recognition of your supporting role.

Let them have their dinner. It will be a lovely thing for your stepdaughter who endured a family breakup as a child and has still come out on top.

Plan something lovely just for yourselves, OP. You deserve it x

The meal is for your step daughter so it should be with who she wants. Maybe you treat yourself on the evening when they’re out-a spa evening or something!

I think putting the step daughter in the centre of all this is important. It is her 18th and for her to have dinner with both her parents will probably be a special evening for her. I think you're confusing this - it's not about you or a dig at you. It's something nice for her. There's nothing to stop you organising a lovely day/evening with your DH and her, as pps have already said. If she wants it that is.

But she doesn’t like you…. Maybe her mum and dad know this so didn’t invite you in case you said yes which would have ruined her meal??

You’re making it about you, I can see why she wouldn’t want you there.

The OP is being shown her place, hopefully she, and other step parents, leave her parents to it, if she asks for something 'Ask your mother' should be the response.

As step mum you should give up your time / mum to the step child . But expect to be vilified and hated no matter what .

In this setup, it sounds more like it'd be OPs DH doing the asking. The desire for any relationship at all between OP and DSD is coming from him.