Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

Get over it.
You don't sound you want her company, anyway.

But surely it’s about what the birthday girl wants? She doesn’t like like OP, doesn’t want a relationship with her.

that might change when she grows up - but why force herself on into a dinner when she isn’t one of the parents?

You can’t define this girls family for her - say I married your dad, gave you lifts places and cooked some meals therefore I am your parent and you have to treat me as equal to your mum.

WTF?

agree @Icybird56 thought in a parrallel mn-verse!
making someone’s birthday about them and what they want, rather than what others want and expect?!
v refreshing!!

You’ve made it all about you. No one’s denying your role. I think it’s a bit odd the 3 of them going out and it isn’t
something I would have suggested but hey ho. I suppose it depends how amicable you are.

I suspect the XW will want to reminisce, perhaps a bit of guilt or weepiness at what couldve been particularly if she hasn’t remarried or got a partner?

You and your DH can do your own meal if you feel it’s necessary.

I wouldn’t have wanted a meal with my dad and his partner and mum and stepdad for my 18th. How awkward and all about everyone slinging their dicks around for a slot at the table. I’m not sure I would have wanted a meal with both of my parents either. 😂 But too much tension by the sounds of it.

Let your stepdaughter celebrate her birthday with her parents. Then her dad can organise a separate celebration just with your family. Unless he’s going to delegate sorting that out to you too.

You need to brace yourself now for what is to come. One day she will graduate/ marry/ have children. You won't be given a ticket for the graduation ( she'll have to make a huge effort to get extra tickets and she's absolutely not going to do that). She won't want you anywhere near anything to do with her wedding but your husband will be paying for half of it and you'll just be whatever your name is rather than granny ( although I dare say you'll be handy for childcare). If not being at her 18 birthday meal is upsetting you then imagine what all this will feel like.

Were you the other woman or did her father meet you after he’d split from his ex?

She’ll only have one 18th birthday. Why would you try to insert yourself into if you already know you don’t get on and it’s likely she wouldn’t want you there? She may have initiated the parents only plan for exactly this reason.

I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

If it would be weird for you to go, surely it would be weird for you to be invited?

This isn’t about a birthday meal. You understand why you weren’t invited and know it’ll be better for your SD if it’s just her parents. As you say it might be a bit weird and awkward.

You feel under appreciated for all the years of effort you’ve put in. Your DH is the issue here. You’ve carried the load, and not only has SD not accepted your offer of a relationship (understandable as she has been a child), but your DH hasn’t acknowledged your effort at all. Inviting you to the meal would have signified that he saw you, that he appreciated that you’d tried with her all these years.

Sounds like this is about years of being unseen and under appreciated, not the birthday meal itself.

Of course your DSD is entitled to have a meal with her parents for her 18th. Just because you’ve been in her life doesn’t mean you get to attend every event. She can have one day, one meal, where her mum and dad sit down together without their partners.

It isn’t about you. Stop making it about you. You don’t even get on with her.

Mumsnet is full of women annoyed at set family members for not behaving as they think they should.

Grandparents not treating step grandchild the same as their other grandchildren.

husbands not behaving like fathers to their step children.

Step children not accepting their new step mother as their parent.

Step siblings not bonding.

Blended families aren’t easy and you can’t just tell people to love each other as if they have always been family.

Also full of men who marry again to get a nanny because they are too lazy to parent.

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, just your updates and the first page or two. In your words, I read all the challenge, effort and heartache of blended families. For your DH and DSD you have tried and tried for 9 long years, picking yourself up every time you were rebuffed. You didn't do anything to cause the breakdown of her parents marriage, but you were tacitly blamed time and again, because she was a child and because it's emotionally safer for a child to blame the other woman than her own parents. This isn't about the meal, OP. It's about you wanting your efforts and sacrifices to be seen and appreciated by your DH. Let the meal go ahead. Don't tie these feelings to your DSD's birthday. When the dust has settled, have a conversation with DH. "I don't want an apology, I did this for us, for you and our family. I would do it again [if you would] because it is what was needed for our marriage and family to last. But I need to be sure you understand how hard this was for me."

Were you cleaning your step daughter's house? She's very young to have her own place.

That’s why I would never and could never understand why people take on someone else’s kids and put them on the same level as their own kids. Being a SP is the shittiest, skivviest and thankless role ever. You could provide the earth for the child and they could turn around and tell you that you are no one to them- and they would be right! It’s not the child’s fault either, they didn’t ask for a new person in their life.

It would annoy me how the ex has framed it, they “have raised her to 18” rather than to just celebrate her 18th. I mean, erm, well done? That’s literally the bare minimum you’re expected to do when you have a child. Silly cow.

I don’t think you are B that U but MN always thinks stepmothers are arseholes whilst the sun shines out of the mother’s and the kid’s arse but would you want to go anyway. Surely you and your husband can take her out anyway.

Any idea how she treats/gets on with the step father?

Oh god no me neither. If I ended up single again I’d never have a relationship with someone with kids. I barely like my own sometimes let alone someone else’s 😂

OP: I don't want an apology, I did this for us, for you and our family

DH: Er, What did you do?

OP: I didn't throw a mega tantrum over you going for a meal with your daughter on her 18th birthday. I think a medal is in order.

That's not really raising her though, it's doing your husband's job for him.

What nonsense!

Step parents aren’t generally valued . I also don’t get having a meal with someone when you have split with them , civil or not . Smacks of not moving on / pretending things have been all okay .

However , as you don’t like her/ she doesn’t like you etc , I wouldn’t expect an invite. Also it’s a DH problem .

But I guess tbh that's what you are. A nanny. It's nice for them still to be able to get together for these mile stone events. It will ensure a well rounded teen developing into a well rounded adult having not to experienced a tug of war through her life.

Part of the first wives club ?

I think you’re annoyed with your husband for leaving you out and not with your SD so wondering why the SD is the focus here. You acknowledge that it would be weird for you to attend. Do you feel threatened that he is sharing this event with his ex-wife?