Family members are financially dependent on me

[JR23]

AIBU? I’m 24, my mum and siblings are all unemployed, I’m in full time employment and have been since i was 17.

I’ve always tried to be financially sensible, I’ve got a high interest savings account and an Isa and am hoping to start a private pension in the new year, very very rarely over spend and am always on top of credit cards and never let the balance carry over.

The problem being that I’ve turned into the family cash cow, they’re forever at me for money for something, they make me feel guilty and they ask me as if they’re entitled to it. Tonight my mother has bold as brass asked me for £400 because she can’t afford to pay back her credit card and when I challenged her on how she plans to pay me back the £400 she couldn’t give me a straight answer.

Im just feeling really frustrated, they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to. I work really hard, in a job that I don’t particularly enjoy but it pays well and allows me the financial freedom to save for my future, but i feel like im being held back from that because everyone keeps taking money and then when i ask for it back suddenly im the bad guy. I’m just really sick and tired of it but not sure what to do. Putting my foot down doesn’t work, they just get abusive or guilt trip me. Any suggestions?

I think you need to have a conversation with yourself about the differences - you need to say no and if you want explain to them that it’s fine for them to manage their money as they do but you want to do it different and provide for yourself and your future so no you can’t lend them

what are you getting out of supporting them? Are you a bit codependent where you think they might reject you if you say no????

Also have some standard replies ready and keep practicing - maybe even role play with a friend - you’ll get good at saying no

What is your board and does it include food. Presume you pay your own bills (ie phone, car insurance etc?)

Assuming you pay appropriate board and your own bills, I would speak with each member individually and explain you have no cash. Anything you can is locked in an inaccessible savings account. Pay your way and don’t feel guilty about it. (I’d also try get out of that house as soon as you can).

Good for you doing well.

I don’t think you should tell them where your money is or if you have any!

just say no and keep saying no - you don’t need to explain - they sounding they would hassle you if they knew you had money somewhere

Be assertive. Tell them to get off their arses and earn their own money. According to many, there are lots of low skilled jobs which need filling in the UK….

If you pay board it will be less than rent and bills so youll struggle to make an excuse. I think you either have to have a frank convo about why you cant or dont want to "help" them and see how it goes down or you move out because while ive no doubt they keep asking for "help" you will be financially better off there than living independently and if they're honest with their circs they may get less benefits if you're living with them and contributing.

Just say NO. It's not difficult.

On the contrary OP clearly doesn’t find it easy

have you seriously never heard of people who find boundaries very hard…especially in families?

Say all your money is tied up. You have a small allowance, and that’s it.

This is awful from them. None of them work and they treat your earnings as free Kitty to dip into. This won’t stop unless you say no. It’s as simple as that.

Why not tell them you are in danger of going overdrawn / you can’t save the two month cushion you need to if you ever need money to fall back on because you keep having people take your earnings? Or, tell them you’re saving to move out. You certainly need to think about it.

Tell them you're now starting to save for a deposit for your own place so there'll be no loans or hand outs from now on. And when they start to guilt trip you tell them to get their own job. Give them a guilt trip on how lazy they are.

Spend your money instead on a psychologist to work out what comes up for you at the thought of saying 'no' to them.
Because that's clearly what you need to do. I think you already know that. You just struggle to do it. Find someone to help you with that.

Firstly, well done you for sorting yourself out financially and being a productive member of society. I applaud you - you're great.

Your Mum and siblings however 'all fully able and capable of working and choose not to' I have so much contempt for them. They 'choose' not to work. So the majority of your household are presumably living off the tax payer via benefits, parasitising off those who do work. And now leaching directly off you, too! Urgh, they make me want to puke. They're so out of touch, rude, selfish, lazy, no social conscience...

Suggestion: you obviously find saying 'no' difficult because you aren't following through with 'no'. Look on job websites regularly, looking for vacancies. Eteach is a good one because they send you vacancies eg TA, dinner lady, cleaner, play support worker. Then when siblings or Mum ask you for money, say 'no' and follow it with "There is a cleaner job in a school down the road, you could earn your own money".
When they persist with asking for money, just respond with...
"No. Oh, do you need money for travel to a job interview?"
"No. Have you applied for that job I told you about? You can earn your own money"
"No. Have you been to the library where you can log onto Indeed and look for jobs and apply for job? You'll be able to earn your own money"
"No. There's a vacancy in the local old people's home. You could earn you own money"
"No. Tescos had a sign up at the door saying, Staff Required. You could earn your own money"

Keep the narrative on them finding a job. You must stick to 'no', don't give in.

Suggestion 2: tot up all the money you've lent and keep a note of it. When they ask for money, remind them about the money they owe you. Say...
"You still owe me ££ for the xyz. I will lend you some money, but only after you have first paid back ££. Until then, I'm not comfortable lending you any more money."

God I hope you did NOT give your Mum £400. I personally got into debt on a credit card from £400 which increased to £3000 - it took me over a year to pay it off - no going out, no holiday, meagre Christmases x 2. You will certainly never ever have that back, and her 'no straight answer' reeks of selfish greediness that you are going to just pay up for her. The idea of how she plans to pay you back just doesn't feature in her brain. Shocking.

As long as you're paying your way at home then you don't need to pay them anything else. It's easier said than done saying no but just keep saying it & it'll get easier. If they become aggressive stay calm & explain that you work hard for your money & that you are saving for your future & that by bailing them out all of the time it's not working out for you & you can't afford to do it any longer. Keep saying the same thing every time they ask. If they're capable of working & chose not to then it's on them to provide for themselves not you.

Move out, spend less time with them?

They are not dependent on you. You are enabling them to live irresponsibly. Move out. Let them sort themselves out. You have done your part.

Can't you just agree with them that whatever your Mum borrows in a month you deduct from rent the following? That way you're not asking them for any money back and they may start realising how much they are borrowing.
Otherwise, yes, agree with everyone else. Move out and get a room in houseshare. Tell everyone you are paying more than you are and build up your savings.

Just tell them you're inviesting that amount each month now and don't give them anything. I think it's a joke they're doing this by the way, how on earth can you get ahead if they're doing this.

You could try putting a really good chunk of pay into a LISA and pension on payday automatically so you don’t have spare money to give anyone if you didn’t want to?

Tell them you've moved to a high interest account with limits on withdrawal.

Move out

If your mum asks for money tell her you will deduct a large sum of it off your rent till it’s repaid! You are being too kind and have to say no and mean it.

I’d move out tbh. This won’t change

If they aren't working, are they on benefits? If so, do they tell you how much they are getting?