Family members are financially dependent on me

[JR23]

AIBU? I’m 24, my mum and siblings are all unemployed, I’m in full time employment and have been since i was 17.

I’ve always tried to be financially sensible, I’ve got a high interest savings account and an Isa and am hoping to start a private pension in the new year, very very rarely over spend and am always on top of credit cards and never let the balance carry over.

The problem being that I’ve turned into the family cash cow, they’re forever at me for money for something, they make me feel guilty and they ask me as if they’re entitled to it. Tonight my mother has bold as brass asked me for £400 because she can’t afford to pay back her credit card and when I challenged her on how she plans to pay me back the £400 she couldn’t give me a straight answer.

Im just feeling really frustrated, they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to. I work really hard, in a job that I don’t particularly enjoy but it pays well and allows me the financial freedom to save for my future, but i feel like im being held back from that because everyone keeps taking money and then when i ask for it back suddenly im the bad guy. I’m just really sick and tired of it but not sure what to do. Putting my foot down doesn’t work, they just get abusive or guilt trip me. Any suggestions?

It's time to move out @JR23, and start saying no to every financial request. It'll be easier to say no if you live away from them.

"Gosh mum you've got the wrong end of the stick about my earnings, I can't possibly afford to give you that. There are shifts advertised at the pub or I saw someone's looking for a cleaner, you could try those to earn some cash".

End conversation.

You probably do need to look for a house share to get fully free.

I wouldn’t be giving them anymore money because they are losing the incentive to work. Why would they bother if you keep handing them the cash. They sound like leeches to me I have never asked anyone for money and have worked all my life. I am a pensioner now and still work part time and will continue to do so as long as I can.

Move out asap. They will bleed you dry and make you feel guilty for it. This is a common issue in some families

Broken record
Sorry I don't have anything spare after I've paid my bills
Rinse and repeat
Or go none contact with them .. because they sound abusive

In the very short term, could you try reducing the amounts? "Sorry Mum, I only have £400 in my bank right now, but can give you £200." So you're not saying no, but are keeping a little more in your pocket.

But I agree with other posters, they are never going to start appreciating you and being grateful for what you do. Until you move out and are able to control your level of contact, you'll always be the 'cash cow' to them. I'd prioritise moving out over a pension, and then start putting all of that money you don't give them into your pension and see how it grows!

A little cagey on your salary
on your board
and how much you supposedly give

the devil is in the detail

Say no. Move out.

Those are your only options.

I don’t think you can afford to stay at home. Move out and stop being the family ATM.

I agree with everyone else saying to move out. Do it asap. Also, make sure all your mail is redirected to your new home, and you update the electoral roll.
It’s not unheard of in these circumstances that family members will take out credit cards/catalogues and loans in the name of the only person in the household who can get credit, without their knowledge. Don’t allow this to happen to you. You can have an alert put on your credit file.

It’s great you’re so responsible with your money and saving already. But if I were you I’d be making plans to move out. Once you’ve got that physical distance from them it’s easier to say no. Because then you can hang up/not reply/close your own front door after you say no.

You’re also going to have to train yourself to not feel guilty about saying no.

24 and still living at home. Move out. Move far away. You’ve not really learnt how to cope financially on your own yet still living at home.

My student DC probably know more about the struggles of living and budgeting and we pay their rent and bills!

Why do you still live at home at 24?

The easiest thing to say will be that the spare money has gone into a LISA. If they’re that interested in your finances they can look it up themselves and see that you can’t easily withdraw it. Tell them you’re working on trying to afford to move out and it’s hard for young people these days so you have to be strict with yourself.

Yiu can choose guilt and hassle now and keep your money or guilt and hassle later on with less money. Stay strong.

I can see some people are hinting you should be contributing to the house to the same level as your parents. I don’t agree. Keep of up to £400 for bills and food is reasonable. If you’re paying at least £300 you won’t be costing them anything if bedroom tax doesn’t apply. You don’t want to be creating a situation when it’s accepted you’re taking a financial responsibility for the household. That’s unfair for someone your age in the UK where benefits are paid.

I agree with everyone suggesting you move out.

I am wondering whether the fact you are able to pay into savings and a private pension is because you aren't actually paying as much towards the household as you think. All you mention is you think you pay a fair amount. How does it compare to renting somewhere independently? Are you paying rent for just a room or is your mum considering your contribution to bills (which keep on rising) and maybe you aren't actually paying enough when you consider things like water, council tax, gas, electric and then food if you eat with your family.

Maybe moving into a house share where you have real costs to pay might make you realise why your mum was in need of more money at home.

You need to move out. Nothing will change otherwise.

You need to move out…. It would be really hard to say no if you are still living at home.

Keep saving as quickly as possible and then move out… be aware you may have to cut contact

You should read the thread from last year about the woman who was a cash cow and bought thousands of Xmas presents for family and they got her nothing not even chocolate. She canceled Christmas at hers and took her DD to Disney instead and her entitled family contacted SS and her DD school…

Did you give your Mum the £400 then?

Tell them you just don't have it. Make sure there is no way at all they can access any information about your finances. They are shameless freeloaders. Oh, and move out. If possible to another part of the country. They will leech on you all your life otherwise.

Sounds like it's time to move out into a iouse share or similar and take a big step back from these people who see uou as a cash cow.
Even if it costs more it will save you money IYSWIM

Keep details of your finances strictly private and NEVER lend to anyone - that way lies trouble, heartache & loss because the odds of anyone who has the cheek to borrow money from you repaying it is very low.

Once you've moved out it will be easier to refuse because you'll be able to remove yourself from the situation if they persist in asking for money.

You are doing really well and being financially responsible , dont let these people drag you down.

If you live at home you're probably paying less than a market rent so you're not financially independent. Get out of there.

What everyone else said. You need to move out and stop sharing your financial information with anyone.

You need to keep saying no and stick to it. Moving away into a house share or flat share would get you away from this environment that will keep dragging you down. I would be doing that in your shoes.

I agree with PP. Don’t give them any money. Make plans to move out asap. Look on spare room, ask friends, make it happen.

My DC are both older than you. I still give them money!

I'm sorry OP, that must be awful. I'd sit my mum down and say - you are putting too much pressure on me financially. If this keeps happening I will have to leave and you will lose my financial contribution. And mean it. Don't lend or give any more money, save it for a deposit so you can move out ASAP.

Make plans to move out. When you are asked for a “loan” make it clear you will not lend any money unless the previous loan has been repaid. Make them accountable