Family members are financially dependent on me

[JR23]

AIBU? I’m 24, my mum and siblings are all unemployed, I’m in full time employment and have been since i was 17.

I’ve always tried to be financially sensible, I’ve got a high interest savings account and an Isa and am hoping to start a private pension in the new year, very very rarely over spend and am always on top of credit cards and never let the balance carry over.

The problem being that I’ve turned into the family cash cow, they’re forever at me for money for something, they make me feel guilty and they ask me as if they’re entitled to it. Tonight my mother has bold as brass asked me for £400 because she can’t afford to pay back her credit card and when I challenged her on how she plans to pay me back the £400 she couldn’t give me a straight answer.

Im just feeling really frustrated, they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to. I work really hard, in a job that I don’t particularly enjoy but it pays well and allows me the financial freedom to save for my future, but i feel like im being held back from that because everyone keeps taking money and then when i ask for it back suddenly im the bad guy. I’m just really sick and tired of it but not sure what to do. Putting my foot down doesn’t work, they just get abusive or guilt trip me. Any suggestions?

All of you posters saying just move out are so out of touch with the cost of renting. And I wish you’d stop and engage your brains before posting.

We don’t know where the Op lives. She could live in London where she’d be spending at least £1500 on rent. Also, can she afford to move out? 5 weeks deposit upfront along with the first month’s rent plus all the bills.

Op just say no. Stash your money away and save for a deposit on a flat. If you feel the amount you give is too low you can up it but ultimately you’re going to have to be firm.

Agree with this 👆

I'm assuming your siblings live at home too. And that your mum, and they, collect benefits.

You say you pay 'fair' rent. But is it market rent?

If it isn't 'market rent', then before you heed the advice on here to move out, think about the impact of that on your savings plans. It might be that the stress from these convos outweighs the benefit of living at home. Or it might be you think ok, I'll pay mum a little more to take the pressure off and I can still save.....because I may be saving so much less once out of home.

If your family is on benefits, then they start losing their benefits once they save over a certain threshold- so, unlike you who has an incentive to save, they do not really. You might think they are lazy and can't be arsed. They might think you are lauding it over them. 🤷neither might be true.

Try to think of it this way: saying no does, in fact, work - because you've still got your money. How they react is up to them; whether you care about their reactions is up to you. Guilt trips only work if you feel guilty. I know it's hard to not care, when they're creating an unpleasant atmosphere at home. It'll be easier to not care when you're not living with them (plus, you'll be able to just tell them you don't have any spare cash, and it'll be the truth). Work towards that.

In the meantime, the abusive behaviour will probably lessen if you never give them any money, quicker than if you sometimes do. If the nagging etc sometimes works and sometimes not, they're motivated to just keep trying. If you say once and for all that you'll be paying your board and not a penny more, it'll go on for a while until they realize you meant it, but eventually they will stop trying. It's like dealing with tantrums from a child - if it works, why should they stop? Be strong, and if you feel yourself weakening, remind yourself that the quicker you save enough money, the quicker you can move out.

But that’s the point, if she can’t afford to
move out then she isn’t paying market rent at home, and her mum may feel she isn’t paying a fair amount that a working adult should be paying. Not making a judgement about who is right or
wrong, just pointing out different perspectives.

Can you move out if you live at home? If you live at home pay them a reasonable rent or bed and board but no more money - they all need to get jobs and stop scrounging off you and the state.

If they won’t stop their abusive behaviour you must move out and be clear there’s no more money. Keep your financial documents locked away out of sight.

You’re right to start a pension asap; do you also have a workplace one? Put plenty of money in to these and if asked, say you’ve no spare as you’re saving for your retirement and can’t get at the money.

Good luck, OP. And well done you for doing so well when you’ve had such a poor example set to you.

Find a studio flat that costs a similar amount to what you pay at home. (You say you pay fair board - so hopefully the costs won't be too much of a leap).

You are on a different life trajectory to your family - and you need the right environment to continue to thrive.

F

How much is your rent OP?

In your shoes I would pay the credit card but then deduct £200 a month off the rent you pay for the next 2 months.

I would also say have a open conversation - bills have gone up a lot in the last 2 years so maybe examine with your mum if the contribution is still reasonable. Check on shared house websites what the going rate is for your area.

Ultimately your not going to get peace til you stand your ground and also move out.

You need to learn that no means no. It doesn't mean nag moan cajole complain and I will change my mind and give in.

Im wondering is the £400 is the minimum card repayment.
ie is the debt around £20,000 or something crazy!!! No wonder your mum is freaking out. She’s been propping up her lifestyle with your money.

Start a standing order to transfer as much as you can into savings of some sort. Tell them you now have no access as it’s locked in a high interest account.

Work out how much a flat share costs and see how it compares to what you pay at home. Decide if you can move out.

If your DM is claiming housing benefit I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be taking any rent money from you, unless she's declared she is, so she's pretty lucky you're giving her that.

It's time you moved out. Sorted.

Please just move out, unless by staying in the family home it means that by the end of 2026 you will have been able to save enough to get a mortgage to buy your own home.

If you do wish to stay at 'home' for now, please give yourself a realistic time limit for staying there. If you can count down the weeks or months until you can move out, that should, with luck, give you a bit of hope for escaping their clutches in the not to distant future!

In the meantime, for you to be fair to yourself, you are going to have to appear both ruthless and heartless in the eyes of your family members. But, please remember that you have not been either of those things, and you still won't be if you say "no" to every single CF request from now on.

In fact, you would probably be doing, at least the younger family members, a massive favour, so that they can learn - from necessity - that if they want/need to have money, then they need to rely on themselves, as there will almost certainly be a time in the future (eg when you have a home, and possible family, of your own, and you genuinely don't have any extra money to give to someone else) when they have no-one else that they can to turn to.

I can't emphasise enough, how important it is for them to be totally self-reliant in the world as it is today. You really need to do this for both yourself, and them @JR23 and you also really deserve to protect yourself from their cheeky fuckery!

If, at anytime in the future, you feel that any of them genuinely deserve, and need, a smallish helping hand from you - probably through no fault of their own - then for your own peace of mind, please give the money as a gift, not a loan. I learned the hard way that that was the best way for me to preserve my own peace of mind! 💐

Move out. Then you have the perfect excuse to say, “Soz, need all my money for rent.” <wee sad face>

If the mum feels she isn’t paying enough, then she should be up front and ask to increase the monthly ‘rent’. Not ask fur money there and then to pay her CC etc….
Thats a very different approach showing the rent usnt the issue. It’s just entitlement.

Re ‘market rates, I’m sorry but no I wouldn’t expect a child living at home paying ‘market rates’, as in as much as if she was living in a shared house. Simply because the mum would then be paying well below market rate herself. And I don’t believe it’s ok for people to make money on the back of their own dcs.

@JR23 the answer to your problem is boundaries, boubdaries, boundaries.

If anyone asks for money, say you dint have anything left. Which tbf is the case if you’ve put in in SIPP/ISA etc… it might well nit be accessible anyway.
Dont ever mention your savings/investment/private pension. They’ll assume you have got loads left in your current account to ‘give’
Learn to spot the chancers and those who use other people fir their benefit.

As an aside, the way you are approaching life is VERY different from theirs. If I was you, I’d expect some friction between you agd them. A gap that is likely (?) to keep growing because your goals and values are so different.
Its not even a judgement if either your or their way of living. It’s the fact they are so opposite to each other that theyre likely going to clash at some point.
It simply be that you’re approaching that point and need to look at life would be if you move out.

The figures are important

but the op won’t be back to clarify, no way

Are you ever coming back to answer any questions because you might get some practical answers if so?

What do you earn?
What are you paying each month for rent/bills/food?
How much are you giving them and are they paying you back?
When are you planning to move out?

Like everyone says, you have to move out. Why are you still living there? My guess is you don’t want to pay the market rate for a one bedroom flat or live with strangers in a houseshare? Which I do understand but if you don’t put that boundary up between you and them this is going to carry on. They are leeches and robbing you of a better quality of life.

It really will be difficult to change whilst still living as a family, especially if it is the family home where you grew up. Associations of childhood.
Please find a way to leave.
Stop paying your board until you get the money back.

What is their source of income?

Are you saving for a house and that's why you live with them? Would you consider living with a friend and paying monthly rent to them instead?

It's easy to guilt trip you while you are in the house. If you see them less, they can't pester you for money. I appreciate it's maybe not the norm in your circles to have less contact with family, but I'd say in my experience, the more 'professional' type jobs people hold, the more independent from blood family they tend to be. I have some friends who see their siblings and blood family weekly if not more often, and it was a total revelation to me, as amongst my school and uni friends, living within 100 miles of family would be rare, nevermind living with them or weekly in-person contact. Generally the view of me and my peers is that family too close to you life and business = stress. People stick their nose in where it doesn't belong, such as what you earn and how you spend it. Your example and many stories on here confirm my view.

It may sound like a lot but... Maybe try having more distance? You may like it. It sounds like you don't have much in common with your family members and they're dragging you down. You can't choose your blood family, but you can choose how you interact with them.

When they ask you for money. I would say start sending them job ads. Start with stuff like 'Amazon warehouse staff needed, no experience required, flexible hours, immediate start'.

Don't be afraid to say 'I'm sorry, it's an expensive month for me, I can't afford it' or 'I would have to dip into my savings for that' or even 'money is locked away in a fixed-term account and I can't take any out without being penalised, maybe if you pay me 200 up front to pay the bank fees, we can discuss' or 'what happened to the 400 I lent you in August? I don't recall seeing it paid back'

However, all that is hard to do while you live with them.

You're very young and it's hard to have enough balls to say no and cut off the apron strings at this age. You'll find it easier later in life. But please, start trying.

Likewise, find a mentor. An older woman/man 35/40+ who maybe comes from a similar background, or whose guts and attitude you admire. Spend time with them. Let them be a positive influence in your life.

@ElleintheWoods

What is their source of income?

The tax payer

Why should her mum receive market rent? Let’s say market rent is £1k per month. It costs mum maybe £600 max per month for op to live there (food, sundries used like washing powder and loo roll, electricity used by op etc). Why should mum make a profit? Considering mum doesn’t work she probably receives housing benefit etc as well.

Tell them you are saving for a home of your own and you can't give any money away and stick to it. Move out asap. They have chosen to live as they have, you aren't their free bank.

I'm going to bet the OP doesn't pay anything near what it costs her mum to have her there...hence the caginess.