Family members are financially dependent on me

[JR23]

AIBU? I’m 24, my mum and siblings are all unemployed, I’m in full time employment and have been since i was 17.

I’ve always tried to be financially sensible, I’ve got a high interest savings account and an Isa and am hoping to start a private pension in the new year, very very rarely over spend and am always on top of credit cards and never let the balance carry over.

The problem being that I’ve turned into the family cash cow, they’re forever at me for money for something, they make me feel guilty and they ask me as if they’re entitled to it. Tonight my mother has bold as brass asked me for £400 because she can’t afford to pay back her credit card and when I challenged her on how she plans to pay me back the £400 she couldn’t give me a straight answer.

Im just feeling really frustrated, they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to. I work really hard, in a job that I don’t particularly enjoy but it pays well and allows me the financial freedom to save for my future, but i feel like im being held back from that because everyone keeps taking money and then when i ask for it back suddenly im the bad guy. I’m just really sick and tired of it but not sure what to do. Putting my foot down doesn’t work, they just get abusive or guilt trip me. Any suggestions?

Why does "a fair amount" feel like "less rent than I'd pay if i moved out"? 😂

You do need to move out and separate your finances completely.

But a commercial landlord has fixed fees to pay which private arrangements aren't subject to,.the tenant has rights, and they're often hoping to make a little profit too.

Don’t say No. Just say I would have loved to have paid it for you but unfortunately I don’t have that kind of money and have my own bills to pay. Really sorry.

Also please don’t tell them about your ISA’s and any other money you have. Details about how you save and exactly how much you get paid. Just say Sorry that is not up for discussion.

I had a nanny working for me a few years back and she was in the exact same position as you. Her mum and two sisters would constantly text her for money and none of them worked. She finally moved out and took a place with her partner so she didn’t have to deal with the constant begging. Tell them to go get jobs if they want money. There are no free lunches!

Deduct any loans from the housekeeping.

I assume they get benefits for not working, so they have no incentive.

i appreciate it isn’t easy to walk out and live elsewhere but if you have a decent income then it is worth breaking free.
I left home at 19 on a low pay rate because the company was training me for a career. I didn’t need to leave home but I had outgrown being dictated to by my mother, and father gave me full support in going.

As someone whose in laws used to use us for money, to the point they just expected us to give to them and would kick off if we didn’t.
Do not be their cash cow - “sorry mum/whoever I dont have that kind of money to give you, its gone into my ISA account to save to move out and i cant get it back out.” Rinse & repeat. Move out as soon as you can.

Look into house shares and rent prices so you’re aware of the costs.
You’ll be taking control of your situation being clued up on prices.

Assuming you don’t feel comfortable in saying NO to everyone on repeat, do as pp suggest and offer 25% of any amount requested as a ‘best I can do I’m afraid’ and say you’ve got money in long term savings which can’t easily be withdrawn. Basically your strategy is to start slowly withdrawing the cash flow.

Because you generally pay less to have a bedroom in someone else's house than if you have a place of your own. In what world does any parent charge market rate rent from their child? Especially when siblings contribute nothing.

I'll echo what everyone else says.

Move out into a flat share. Don't discuss finances with your family - ever. If they ask just say you don't have it to spare. They managed before you started working, they'll manage by themselves again just fine.

Just saying, that's not helping mum thinking OP has money to lend out, is it? OP is benefiting from living at home on a reduced rate.

Every time someone ask, say you have nothing to spare this month as you gave money to them/another family member last month…..

Easy to say I know, but just keep saying no, and make your plans for moving out. Could you put your savings into a fixed time account, e.g. one where the money can’t be accessed for at least a year? (The interest rates are usually better.). Or at least tell them that that’s what you’ve done. 😈

Re them all ‘choosing not to work’, funny how in any thread on benefit fraud/benefit pisstakers, many MNers will insist that it’s too tiny a problem to bother about.

Where's the op

I agree with others, you need to move out op.

You need to move out. As someone who has been in your position, it will never end. I grew up in a third world country and as soon as I finished uni and got my first proper job which paid me peanuts, I was expected to shoulder the responsibility of everyone by my mother. It was just an expectation with no thank you after, I get abuse from her when she has taken all I have and I have nothing left to give. She did the same with my younger sibling.
I got married, moved out and moved to the UK with DH. This was 15 years ago and I’m still her cash cow. As soon as I landed here on the plane, the first phone call I got from her was to ask for money. She has no job, nothing, I mean she had none when she was younger so not now as she’s old. I’ve put lots of boundaries in place over the years, I only speak to her once a month on my own terms but I still send her a monthly allowance, something I can easily afford and that’s it. The 2 older brothers now have a job and even though I still give them something, they now value money and respect whatever I gift them on rare occasions
My younger brother has had to do the same but he had to move abroad too. You simply have to move out and be less available

If she is unemployed how come your Mum has a credit card?

Why have you not moved out ?

Instead of giving your family money, I’d be spending it on a flat rental or house share.
As a previous poster said, they’re not taking your money, you are giving it to them.

Is this that OP?!

No means no means no.

This is really exploitative of them. It’s not okay. They should be proud of you, and cheering on your success, not dragging you down. You deserve better.

you are going to have to go through some discomfort while they get used to you saying no. They’ll act up and try to make you feel bad, but ride it out. They’ll get used to it in the end.

tell them ‘sorry, I am saving to buy a flat. It goes into a high interest account as soon as I get paid and I can’t get to it. You’ll have to find another way to get money.’

just keep saying it until they give up.

stick to your guns and good luck

I’m afraid you’ve just taught them that their abuse and guilt tripping work and get the results they want. The only possible solution is for you to say no and stand firm, but it would be much easier if you lived elsewhere.

If you don’t make a stand this might carry on for your whole life.

Come on you know the answer is to move out

You've posted about this a few times before haven't you?

Can't you see that you need to start doing more than just venting about the situation, move out and cut them off? Or at least stay where you are until you save more money but stand firm and stop giving them more than your monthly board.

Try to move out ASAP and tell them they can bloody well work for their money just like you and the rest of us do. Cheeky, lazy entitled F’s. It’ll be much easier to do once you’ve moved out, but until then, just repeat that you have paid your keep for the month and need the rest of your money.

Putting your foot down will work, if you stick to it.

They continue to ask and take advantage of you because they know you’ll cave and give in.

You sound like you really have your head screwed on with your financials and work ethic and unfortunately the rest of your family don’t.

I would have a clear conversation with them and say enough is enough and that you’re trying to save for your future and you can’t do that if you’re constantly giving your money away and bailing other people out.

Depending on how much rent you’re paying at home would it be around the same to look at moving into a house share elsewhere or moving in with a friend and splitting the rent or even a small studio for yourself?