Family members are financially dependent on me

[JR23]

AIBU? I’m 24, my mum and siblings are all unemployed, I’m in full time employment and have been since i was 17.

I’ve always tried to be financially sensible, I’ve got a high interest savings account and an Isa and am hoping to start a private pension in the new year, very very rarely over spend and am always on top of credit cards and never let the balance carry over.

The problem being that I’ve turned into the family cash cow, they’re forever at me for money for something, they make me feel guilty and they ask me as if they’re entitled to it. Tonight my mother has bold as brass asked me for £400 because she can’t afford to pay back her credit card and when I challenged her on how she plans to pay me back the £400 she couldn’t give me a straight answer.

Im just feeling really frustrated, they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to. I work really hard, in a job that I don’t particularly enjoy but it pays well and allows me the financial freedom to save for my future, but i feel like im being held back from that because everyone keeps taking money and then when i ask for it back suddenly im the bad guy. I’m just really sick and tired of it but not sure what to do. Putting my foot down doesn’t work, they just get abusive or guilt trip me. Any suggestions?

Well, all those handouts should be going into your pension. You're 24, don't wait to set one up, get it done now.
I agree with everyone above, you need to move out and be strong about not giving any more money away. You work hard, you deserve to reap the rewards.

Make plans now to move out. As long as you are under the same roof they will be harassing you for money.

Move out and keep saying no. Actually, do the free rebel finance course and get angry. Every pound that doesn’t go in your. LISA or your ISA or your SIPP steals from your future. Don’t wait to start that pension - earlier the better.

Tell her how much she already owes you and stop paying board until its paid back. Also I would be telling them my savings have now ran out ( you have given all your savings to them) and not telling them anything more about your financial position. Save your money and get out! It will never end and there will always be more money they "need" ... plus £400 for a credit card? So your paying off her credit card so she doesn't accrue or thats the minimum payment? She can pay the minimum and suffer the consequences its what the rest of have to do when we spend more than we have.

And be angry. Your cash might be easy access for them but they should be ashamed. I still treat my kids at that age - even if I couldn’t I would never take from them. What embarrassing behaviour that must make you question how they feel about you. Well
done OP for breaking the cycle - I hope you fill your life with better people (that is not a judgement against their finances but behaviour to you).

Move out.
Tell them you can’t get your hands on the money because it’s gone on rent or tied up in a high interest account.
Ignore them and ride out the consequences.

I’m trying to not be offensive towards you here but I’m not sure how to word what I’m trying to say. Your circumstances of being employed full time at 24…is totally normal/basic. There’s nothing remarkable about a 24 year old being in work. There’s nothing to indicate that you are in a position where you need to be financially responsible for your relatives.

All your family being unemployed is bizarre and I’d say indicative of problematic behaviour on their part. It’s not normal for mothers who are out of work to be spending £400 on credit cards expecting their offspring to pay it off, it is a totally irresponsible financial decision to spend money on credit that you have no intention/means to pay off.

I think when it comes to that, you need to let the relevant authorities or charities step in. If she’s in financial hardship there might be some government support or charity grants, otherwise there’s debt charities that will have a frank discussion with her about her debt responsibilities and options going forward. You bailing her out each time, means she isn’t engaging with the right support.

consider moving out and being more independent. If you’re responsible for bankrolling the entire household because they are all unemployed, then you might as well bite the bullet and get your own place. Yeah, it might be more than whatever “board” you are paying, but you won’t have your finances monitored to this extent and you won’t be guilt tripped. Sometimes you can’t put a price on peace of mind.

@JR23 the answer is "no, I cannot help you. My money is allocated so I dont have a spare £400".

They are choosing to be unemployed and by helping them out financially you are enabling their lifestyle.

What did she put on the credit card that was so urgent? Was it something absolutely essential?

Maybe say you don’t have that much but you could give them £200 of nexts months rent early if they wanted?

And like everyone else has said - get the hell out of there!

Right.
Can you practically/emotionally just walk away (and live your own life)? Only you will have the answer to that.

You need to move out.

What would happen if you told your mother you couldn't lend her the £400?
Do you fear what would happen if you said No for any reason (and there are many reasons to say No)?

It doesn’t matter if OP earns £2000 a month and pays £500 board or if she earns £900 a month and pays £100 board….. she’s out there earning and it’s her money, her family that do not work have zero rights to OPs money. If they want money then need to stop being lazy freeloaders and get jobs!!

They can only be financially dependent on you if you let them.

If you can't deal with the guilt trips when you try to cut them off, you need to remove yourself from the situation and cut contact until you're better equipped. I doubt they'll make it easy for you as they'll no doubt be upset at the prospect of losing their cash cow, but this ends the second you say it does, and stick to your word.

I said YABU because you need to move out.

For those suspecting that the OP’s contribution to the household does not cover a fair share of costs: that’s a different conversation.

The mother can talk to the OP about rising bills, show her the bills she is paying a share of and explain that the amount needs to go up by £xx.

And the siblings are presumably not covering any costs of the OP’s board but are also leeching.

@JR23 , how are you feeling having read these responses?

You are an impressive young woman. I agree with those who say you need to look into moving out. It will help you manage your relationship with them so you don’t have to fund their lifestyle choices.

You need to move out. Find a shared house or bedsit.

Agreed. That's not to say that you're wrong OP, but if say, your idea of reasonable is £200 per month all in, then there is a little more argument for your mum wanting more.

Make plans to move out asap.
Find a house share.

Move out. That's the best thing to do. Put some space between you. Don't give in to manipulation. Otherwise you'll be working for someone who can't be bothered to work! Think about that! Perhaps send her job adverts you see on line. Theres always TA jobs being advertised here. She could still get some UC if the job is a low wage. If you cannot move out, are you paying enough board? It should not be less than £400 per month. If it is, I'd increase it to help out.

You are a working adult. If you don’t like the situation at home then you need to move out.

obviously if money is tight, then all the adults capable of working need to get a job. But you can’t make that happen. All you can do is take charge of yourself and move out.

I strongly suspect you aren’t really paying a fair rate. I work with a woman in her mid 20s who lives at home and was complaining about her mum putting up her rent when she already paid “loads”. She paid £100 a month to cover rent, bills and food! I think it’s hard to know how expensive things are when you’ve never had to support yourself.

“they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to”

This is what you say to them when they ask for money. Stay strong and be firm. “I can’t give or lend you any more money, I’m trying to save for my future and it’s not my responsibility to give money to family members who choose not to work.”

OP I just want to start by saying if you are this financially savvy at 24 you are going to do really well, good for you and you should be proud of yourself.

I find your families behaviour absolutely shocking, for a mum to be asking her 24 year old daughter for £400 because she can’t be bothered working is absolutely disgraceful. They sound lazy and entitled and giving them money is only enabling this - you need to say no. Plain and simple, no, I can’t lend you it. Otherwise this is going to be your life, and it will only get worse as you make more. Also agree with others, move out if you can.

Good luck!