Family members are financially dependent on me

[JR23]

AIBU? I’m 24, my mum and siblings are all unemployed, I’m in full time employment and have been since i was 17.

I’ve always tried to be financially sensible, I’ve got a high interest savings account and an Isa and am hoping to start a private pension in the new year, very very rarely over spend and am always on top of credit cards and never let the balance carry over.

The problem being that I’ve turned into the family cash cow, they’re forever at me for money for something, they make me feel guilty and they ask me as if they’re entitled to it. Tonight my mother has bold as brass asked me for £400 because she can’t afford to pay back her credit card and when I challenged her on how she plans to pay me back the £400 she couldn’t give me a straight answer.

Im just feeling really frustrated, they’re all fully able and capable of working and choose not to. I work really hard, in a job that I don’t particularly enjoy but it pays well and allows me the financial freedom to save for my future, but i feel like im being held back from that because everyone keeps taking money and then when i ask for it back suddenly im the bad guy. I’m just really sick and tired of it but not sure what to do. Putting my foot down doesn’t work, they just get abusive or guilt trip me. Any suggestions?

You can just say No. it’s really easy. Close the conversation and walk away.
if you’re unable to stand up for yourself then say you don’t have any money. Why do they know your finances. Do not discuss it. Put all your spare cash into ISA and get out of that house asap.

Of course she needs to pay enough cover costs, but post I was replying to (and others) said market rate. She shouldn’t be paying market rate if that means her mum will be making a big profit.

As you are saving for a long term goal of house.
I'd recommend a quick emergency.
Take a break from work, probably 1 week or 2 if you can afford to, tell your family you're not jobless and job hunting again.
When you want to return to work tell them you've gotten another job, but with much lower pay, moan seriously about the lower pay, complain daily. Ask them for money before they ask you, they won't give you anyways, but at least it will stop them from tasking you.

Find yourself a shared house. I know you love them, but it isn't acceptable. £20 here and there fine, but your mum shouldn't expect you to bail her out of her credit card debt.

When they ask tell them some new jobs have been advertised.

I think you're going to have to move out. You need to put some physical space between you and your family.

If you can't say no then need to calculate whether moving out will cost you more than you have to drip feed the rellys pcm.

Should be fairly straightforward.

The other thing you can do is next time they ask you for a sub, say to them "actually I'm a bit short myself this month and was wondering whether you could help me out".

Hopefully that will shut them up.

Honestly you need to move out. You’ve been wise with your money so could you buy or look at cheaper options like house share?
until you’re out of the picture they won’t stop - it’s too easy to ask you! If you move out and they ask you can simply say you can’t sits it with your rent and bills etc xx

Move out.

Here you go, OP. Use this. It’s the most useful word in the English language :

‘No’.

The first time you use it with people you care about will be very uncomfortable indeed. That’s to be expected. But, believe me, every subsequent time you use it gets easier. Much easier. Then, you begin to realise just how useful saying ‘no’ really is. And then, they stop asking. Because they know what the answer will be ; ‘ No’.

You sound incredible.
Move into a shared house and save in your bids for your first home.
or repeatedly say No whilst you save like mad to escape .
Good luck!

Sorry your in this situation OP. It's easy for me to type but...you need to just set clear firm boundaries & expectations. And if that means you have to just move out and physically separate yourself from the perpetually unemployed, so be it.
You sound like you are trying to actually achieve things, & doing so in an environment like that is one of the hardest things to do. cutting people off who pull you back is far far preferable to being dragged down with them.

I would suggest you move out asap, and let them manage without you. If you're anywhere near me I have a spare room you'd be welcome to

Time for moving out, finding a partner and starting one's own private life

This...
Please look after yourself, yes you are a cash cow and it doesn't sound like your family members are going to change. I was once in your shoes and always bailed out family, it must've run into thousands over the years - never ever had anything back and now they don't even bother with me...

Advise them that you'll lend them money when they've returned what they've loaned you. As in every penny.

Then try and move out of there, and keep your cards and bank statements secret. They are pocket watching you, don't make them drag you down.

Move out.

Tell your Mum, if you don't stop asking for money, you will move out and then bye bye rent money!
Keep saying you can't afford to give them any money and stick to it. Don't listen to sob stories and let them drain you of your hard earned salary. If they want more money they can go and get a job.

You are allowing them to abuse you and guilt trip you. You need to be firm that all your money is tied up. Don't give details of your finances. Explain that you don't want to fail out with family over money. You have been very astute but they will drag you down if you let them

Tell them they need to live within their means and keep money aside to rent a room in a shared house. Save money somewhere safe and don’t tell them about it.

@JR23 please don’t lend or give them money. They will just ask for more and more and expect it, then be even more outraged.

I would start to plan your next step to move out. Do you have enough saved for a deposit for a small place? You need to create some distance. Start pushing back, when asked for money start saying why? Do I owe you money? I didn’t think I did. It’s financial abuse and I’m afraid it will only get worse. Good luck OP and well done you for being financially savvy.

Your freedom is the word NO.

Move out asap and begin your own life.

You're sound amazing OP, so sensible, and at your age, well done! I'd say you should move out, leave the leeches to themselves. No decent parent would milk their own daughter to cover their credit card debts, what is wrong with your mother.

As for charging your children rent to live in their own home.. I appreciate it's probably cultural (I'm not a Brit), but jeez. That's appalling. Such parents would be ridiculed where I'm from. How pathetic, grabby and greedy can you get. I appreciate, that's not the point.

Just move out and best of luck to you!

Time to start the pension - it will come off your salary automatically therefore you don't have the "spare" money to give. Time to join your firms share save scheme - even if they don't have one, have a direct debit set up so the money leaves your account the day you get paid so it's not available. Put your accounts somewhere it is a phaff to get at. 3 layers of security or a passbook account at a building society where you can pay in by direct debit or standing order but physically need to go into a branch to get money out. They are usually only open Monday to Friday so you need to take time off work to get it and you can then blame your employer for refusing you time off. In that building society, build your nest egg to get out of that house and go it alone. Also if money is owed to you, with old the rent. Worst case they will put you out which is a win for you as you can use that money to fend for yourself. Remember you don't need to set yourself in fire to keep the household warm. Good luck