Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

Either-

They'd like you to validate their choice to sleep train by making your own choice to sleep train... or...

They want you to get a proper sleep as they can remember how fucking awful not getting a proper sleep is.

Delete as mood takes 😴

I would never tell someone that they MUST sleep train but I have told many people struggling with babies that don’t sleep that I found sleep training miraculous, and it made life infinitely better for the whole family, including the baby. Maybe they just want you to get more sleep!

However there’s nothing wrong with telling them to bog off and mind their own business.

As above!

Also a lot of people who sleep trained and found it worked are confused to see others not doing it and putting up with no sleep.

I'm not saying this is me, just this is my experience of others. I get where you're coming from for what it's worth.

My DD slept through by 1. My DS woke every couple of hours til he was 4. Nothing worked and believe me by then I long would have risked the effects of cortisol on him 😂

Are you complaining a lot about the poor sleep? Perhaps they are just trying to offer a solution that worked for them 🤷‍♀️

Definitely thinking it’s the former right now 🙄 imagine if I did the same… ooooh no don’t sleep train - your baby will develop a stressful temperament and be more prone to depression.

You don’t. Billions of people around the world have babies and children and wouldn’t even understand the concept. Babies are as they have always been and always will be, it’s our modern ways of life which make normal infant behaviour feel inconvenient. You’re doing exactly the right thing, your baby is lucky to have you and it’s great you’re a good team in meeting his needs.

There are plenty of things other parents will tell you you have to do as it validates their choices. You know your baby better than anyone, do what works for you.

Oh are they telling you your child will be more at risk of mental illness?

Maybe they are picking up on your judgey attitude? And no, I didn’t sleep train.

Just dont tell people how he sleeps or just respond fine if they ask

Well i suppose they are speaking from some experience. Do you have plans for another baby because this will be more difficult with two ?

Maybe other people are more concerned about your wellbeing than you are. A baby isn’t helped by having permanently sleep deprived parents.

Absolutely not I would never say that to them. I am purely giving an extreme example of double standards. If I tell them I don’t want to sleep train, why lecture me on it for a further 15 minutes as if I do not understand what I am doing and why.

Tell them - their opinion is like farts… just because you have one inside you doesn’t mean you need to let it out!!

You do what is best for your family… your DC will get it eventually… my DD is 3 still doesn’t sleep the night … but she has had so many other developmental issues that I can bear the idea of stressing her out by taking comfort away… we will both sleep one day until then I am mummy and I will be there if she needs me

Same reason people generally give advice.

Because they did it and found it really helpful, so they want to pass it on.

Feel free to ignore the advice but they’re probably just trying to be nice

and if lots of people tell you the same thing it’s just possible they might be right

He doesn’t have permanently sleep deprived parents, there are two of us to manage the nights.

Sleep is important for everyone's health and wellbeing. There is plenty of research that states poor sleep affects quality of life.

Some kids learn to settle independently, so even don't. Like everything to do with development parents have to help.

If by 11months old they are unable to self soothe and sleep through independently then sadly as a parent you need to assist. Plenty of advice available on how to do it.

I do think that some parents feel the need to justify their own decision to sleep train by convincing others to do the same. Some of the reason for this though is the rather superior and judgy attitude from those who won’t try it - as if they simply love their babies more!

I sleep trained my twins because otherwise I think I would have expired from exhaustion. With DC3 I was a lot more able to accommodate him because we could co-sleep comfortably. They have all turned out fine!

You should ignore the “helpful advice” from others if you want but try and not let feelings of superiority show. Parenting is one very long guilt trip whatever you do.

I understand this but I don’t have two so it’s a completely irrelevant point for me?

Who is telling you this? No one has ever told me I should sleep train my babies!

It depends what you consider sleep training to be I suppose. I previously considered that sleep training was cry it out, Ferber etc but then was informed that it’s just the process of a baby learning to self soothe and sleep independently 🤷🏻‍♀️

So, when people encourage you to sleep train, they might not be suggesting that you stop responding to your crying baby. They might just be suggesting that you have soothing & consistent bed time routine, create sleep associations (patting/white noise etc). If you are already doing these things then arguably you are already sleep training.

I’d guess they see you tired and think they can help. They’re just trying to help

How's the topic of how he's sleeping coming up? If you're moaning about getting no sleep, it's not surprising they're offering suggestions. If they're just making conversation, just tell them his sleeping is fine?

Do some research on your long term health with long term lack of sleep.

And do you work, either of you? You’re not getting a good night’s sleep 50% of the time at least, probably more as presumably you both wake when the baby cries. That’s not good over time.

My DC are in their late teens. They weren't sleep trained and are doing just fine. I was miserable with exhaustion for years, but I don't regret not pushing harder to trading them - I nudged their sleep as much as I was comfortable with, but anything more would have made us all miserable, and I feel that I gained a lot of confidence and mutual trust by taking the path I did.

I think sleep training is one of the best things you can do when it suits the parent and child, and a huge source of misery when it doesn't.

If your kid wasn't toilet trained by age 5 or similar folk would probably give tips on that too if you asked.

I voted YABU but only because I think you're being dramatic.

You don't HAVE to sleep train your baby, as you know.

If your friends told you, you HAVE to hop on one foot, I'm sure you wouldn't do that either.

If you feel 'judged' it's because you either have very strange friends or you don't have confidence in your own parenting decisions.