Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

First post nailed it!

But if course you dont have to. I thought i might do it for my kids, but never quite got round to it - is kept waiting for a quiet moment where they weren't ill/teething/i had a quiet time at work...... time just slipped by and I never bothered! Eldest slept very happily through the night in her own room age 2.5 (with often a middle of the night wee until 3). One of my boys was a bit more prone to waking until 3.5, but always resettled quickly, and the other is toooo deep a sleeper (he's 5, and will merrily sleep through everything, so i have to set an alarm to take him for a wee at around 1am).

They all sleep independently eventually. I have no doubt you could probably train them to do it a bit earlier if you want/need. But youre not going to be getting up in the night with an older child no matter what you do, bar the odd illness/nightmare. I merrily fed to sleep and coslept.

(Having said that I had an AWFUL night with the toddler last night as she has a cold. But that's not typical!!!)

This!

Sorry if I'm missing something but why do you wake them for a wee?! At 5?!

You don't. I didn't with my 3. Leaving them to cry is cruel no matter how folk try to dress it up. It all works out eventually

No you don’t have to sleep train and I absolutely didnt and wouldnt have. I don’t believe in training a baby. My first was an awful sleeper but sleeps like a champ now.

People want an easy life and solution don’t listen to them and do what is best for you.

How long do you leave them to cry for nowadays then?

Instead of what's now known as sleep training, see it as helping your baby to sleep well, and you too. Decide where the night time sleeping place will be, make it appealing, safe and cosy ( cot, your bed , wherever). Low lights and voices an hour before you decide bedtime will be. No play just bath, books, cuddles. Put baby in his bed, giving confident and positive vibes and soothing words. Stay, stroking hair, gentle massage and being quiet until baby falls asleep. May take 2 hours but will reduce over time. When baby wakes, comfort immediately but quietly, no lights on, minimal sounds, Rinse and repeat. Is that sleep training in the modern sense? 30 years ago it's what everyone I knew did. You taught baby how to sleep. Leaving baby to cry is just cruel.

OP - I think you are spot on -
cortisol matters
I did the same as you -
and would not do it any different now
ignore evangelical sleep trainers -
you do you 👍

Minutes. It’s not “leave them to cry themselves to sleep”. Perhaps that’s what the OP thinks.

I voted YABU but only because you sound insufferable and smug. Obviously no one needs to sleep train if they don’t want to and I doubt anyone is saying that you must.

If you don't want to sleep train then don't.

If you moan about lack of sleep, baby waking etc then of course people are going to offer suggestions and try to help.

There is a middle ground.

We did do some sleep training recently (15 months) as my son turned into a boob monster wanting to breastfeed every 2 hours. So for a few nights, when he cried, i sent my DH in to comfort him and give him water. He cried quite hard but by night no.3 he must have decided waking for DH and some water wasn't worth it so he sleeps much better now. Still needs a cuddle around 5am.

Some routine and training does become important, in my experience. Better for them to sleep through as well.

I also don't go in straight away. Sometimes he cries for 10 seconds as he rolls over. If I ran in, I'd actually wake him.

Although I would never just close the door and leave him actually crying in the night. That's awful.

At 4 months a baby that is correctly sleep-trained will sleep through the night. So people may wonder why choose to disrupt sleep unnecessarily for another 7 months and many more to come.

It takes three nights to sleep train at four months old.

it's up to you what you want to do but don't complain either
brother in law and his wife stayed last weekend their youngest is 11 ( will be in secondary school next year - Ireland) he can't go to sleep with out his mammy lieing beside him every night. she has turned down nights out can't do sleepovers and often gets into her bed with her for the night. she hasn't had a proper night's sleep for years and it's had a huge affect on everything. sleep is so important to function every day

I seriously doubt anyone has told OP she MUST sleep train. I suspect this is a thinly veiled brag thread about ‘look how well I tend to my baby’s needs even though I’m just so exhausted, I’m supermum’. And to whip up a bit of outrage about sleep training to reassure herself she’s a fantastic mum who would NEVER do that.

You don't have to sleep train. But if you don't you may end up sharing a bed with an 8 year old...and deciding that they will be an only child because you can't ever feel that sleep deprived again. Speaking from experience...

Are you saying this to them?? I sleep trained and if someone suggested I’d harmed my children in the process I’d be very irritated. The choice is absolutely yours to make but don’t project that choice on to others - if people say it to you just say no. Or just stop talking about sleep. Easy to move the conversation on!

FWIW my kids are very happy little geniuses too

I feel like with not sleeping training, extended breastfeeding etc a lot of women have exhausted themselves and so want a ‘moment in the sun’ to reassure themselves it was all worth it and get the credit they feel they’re rightly owed but that doesn’t manifest IRL. So they start a thread saying they’re being criticised, in the hope everyone will tell them how wonderful they are.

I did extended bfing before anyone starts

Do what feels right for you, I’ve got 6 children and regret not always doing this with my older ones, no feeling guilty about carrying my baby all the time as a newborn or not sleep training with my youngest

This. I'm also a bit fed up of people who don't want to sleep train (absolutely their choice!) characterising all sleep training as not responding to a crying baby. I sleep trained both of mine with gradual retreat and they never cried alone.

I'm also kind of sick of this "its a modern western invention" line. I cant imagine subsistence farmers were always on hand to soothe crying babies instantly.

Just as I wouldn’t judge someone for sleep training, I wouldn’t expect people to judge me for co sleeping.

The only thing that gets me down is when people say things like: ‘make the most of it’, ‘they’re only small for a short amount of time’ or ‘it all goes by so quickly’ shortly followed by: ‘when are you weaning/sleep training/putting in their own room/putting them in nursery/childminders?!’

Just feels hypocritical and a bit like they actually don’t really give a hoot about young children and new parents.

Well it's one of those trends, just like how you "have" to send your child to nursery when they're weeks old due to feminism or something, or "have" to do gentle parenting lest your child is traumatised. Just listen to your gut. It's very personal. And you do what you feel is right for your family.

I’ve not sleep trained mine. Always got plenty of sleep!

People do this all the time. Mainly on MN.

I don't know your child, I don't know you, I don't know your life therefore you don't owe me (or frankly anyone) an explanation. That applies to all the replies you’ll get on here. Obviously however the people you are frustrated with are people who do know your DC, you and your life but the same principle applies.

Yes every member of the household getting a good solid sleep is beneficial, nobody can argue the science against that, but how you all get that good solid sleep in your household is whatever works for you. If your DC is thriving and you and DH are getting enough sleep each by working as a team then crack on. I've never read any research so I can't and won't comment on that but what I will say is EVERY single DC burns their manual in the womb before they exit and even if you managed to find the holy grail of a manual it doesn't mean it relates to your DC so its useless! Your DC no matter how tiny or grown up is an individual and that starts from conception/birth (I'm not getting into a when life begins debate) so as the person/people (DH included) who know DC best all you can do is what works for you and DC.

That's a lot of waffle to basically say you do you, get yourself a stock phrase "we're doing what works for us but thank you" for example and just keep repeating as a way to shut down the conversation, not just about sleep but any "advice" you are given that you just fundamentally don't agree with.