Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

This.

This is a fair point I probably should not give opportunity to open the discussion as I do tell them he wakes a lot at night if they ask, but that’s the truth. I should be more mindful of closing the conversation before it begins. Unfortunately my frustrations have already developed 😅

Sleep is so important for everyone.

It took us about 3 days of sleep training and then we had good sleepers from then. Surely that’s better than babies who constantly wake unsettled and crying? Surely overall cortisol is higher those babies??

Friends that didn’t sleep train had kids that didn’t sleep for years! How is the at healthy for anyone?

Have you read all the other research about growth and brain development and how it's better in kids who sleep properly? Spikes in cortisol are going to happen through your kids life - it's a necessary hormone, not the devil.

You don't have to cry it out but you also don't have to surrender. Mine slept through the night easily by watching wake windows and gently encouraging the cot from day one. Sleep deprivation is awful for everyone.

One of ours was a terrible sleeper I look back at how run down and exhausted we all were. It is no way to live.
Choose a method and stick to it, persistence and consistency is the key.

Yep

Research on sleep patterns in adults show how detrimental it is to have disturbed, irregular sleep. This could be applied to sleep patterns in children.
I really don’t understand the logic behind being against helping a child have a healthy sleep pattern where they’re able to self soothe that might take a week or so to achieve vs years of disrupted sleep for both the child and the adults. There really is nothing worse than a child who isn’t getting enough quality sleep. Babies cry for all sorts of reasons - it is their way of communicating. It doesn’t mean they’re always sad / angry / in pain. When a child learns how to self soothe, the parent has taught them an important life-long skill.

Well, if there is insufficient evidence, you can't just decide for yourself that there is, that isn't how it works. That said, you don't have to sleep train if it isn't for you. People will always wade in with their opinions or what you should or shouldn't do with your children, you just have to let it wash over you and be confident you're doing the right thing for your family. My eldest was a terrible sleeper and we didn't sleep train him. It was really tough but it wasn't for us either, and I had friends telling me to leave him to cry but I just didn't want to. He's now 3 and has slept 12 hours a night since 18 months. So it does end and they sleep eventually.

I ummed and ahhed about sleep training for the same reason as you but after 8 particularly terrible weeks I went for it. It took ONE NIGHT. One night where he cried for an hour (we went in periodically) then went to sleep. The next night he cried for 10 minutes. Almost every night since then, he just lies down and goes to sleep. And most nights that’s it for 12 hours, we don hear him again.

Also, before we sleep trained, he used to cry at bedtime. Either when we were cuddling him trying to get him to sleep, or when we tried to put him in his cot. Or multiple times overnight when he woke up. So not much difference in terms of crying really, and long term he cries far less than he did before.

Sorry. I’m doing exactly what you moaned about people doing 😂😂 I’m not telling you you have to, or you should. Just saying it may not be as bad as you expect. Also, as above, the effect of poor sleep for everyone (you, your husband, your baby) for months/years isn’t great either.

Yes I have read that research but he still gets adequate sleep his just wakes several times in the night - his overall sleep is good.

I have also read the research on a certain amount of cortisol being healthy.

Ultimately it’s a subject of debate right, you can form an argument for either side.

But why am I being judged for what I decide is best for my baby based on extensive research.

And I do watch wake windows and encourage cot - always have.

You do not.

i didn't train mine. They're brilliant sleepers now. Don't be bullied.

sleep training is cruel and unnecessary. Babies want their mothers near and if you give them that and co sleep they will sleep beautifully.

Suggesting or advising you to sleep train isn’t judging you, is it?

Of course it’s not cruel. I suppose you think that sleep training involves leaving your baby for hours to cry themselves to sleep. It doesn’t, and hasn’t for many many years.

Have confidence in your own instincts and your own decision. When people start advising take a deep breath, smile and say ‘thank you for your advice’ and then ignore it. Don’t encourage the conversation and don’t justify your decision- you don’t need to!

You do you.

I sleep trained one of mine years ago to save my own sanity. All sorted within a few nights and no ill effects.

I know people who didn’t, and ended up with their child sharing their bed for years because they never got used to sleeping alone - that in itself had knock on effects on their social life/marriage.

Yes all this. I do think good sleep is really important to young children. And everyone else 😂

I experienced the same with my 1st child. We co-slept, nursed to sleep and contact napped. I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of sleep training, it just didn't align with my values. Of course the wake ups were a struggle and everyone with a voice would tell me I just need to sleep train. However, we never did. Aged 18 months he just started sleeping through the night randomly and has ever since. My SIL was always very smug about her sleep trained daughter who was the same age as my son. Now we are both on our 2nd children, my daughter again co-sleeps, nurses and contact naps. It's tough but second time round I'm confident it won't be forever. Her 2nd won't be sleep trained so SIL is struggling and her 1st now wakes in the night, whilst my 1st still sleeps soundly for 11 hours. We've spoken about sleep and it's funny because she now knows it wasn't her fantastic parenting but she just had an easier child who was receptive to sleep training. I do sit there feeling quite smug

If you don't want opinions on sleep, don't complain about sleep.
I didn't sleep train for the reasons you mentioned, but I coslept and breastfed on demand for 18m so I wasn't exhausted.
Being up half the night isn't good for any of you.

Of course you don’t have to sleep train him. If you are happy as you are then carry on.
What always annoys me is people who moan endlessly about their child’s poor sleep and how exhausted they are but who are not prepared to try anything to change it.
Some children will never sleep well or be able to manage sleep training. But if you don’t even try it then no complaints allowed. You make your choices and live with them.
Those parents who have genuinely tried it all and are perhaps dealing with a medical issue or Sen have my full sympathy.

I didn’t, contact napped and co slept BUT you can’t then moan to others that you can’t put them down, have no time etc. I was happy with my decision, only little for a short time but as my mum reminded me, my rod, my back!

I didn’t sleep train my children in the sense of letting them cry it out, but I did have a routine from their first day home. Gina Ford was all the range at the time and while I didn’t follow her strict daytime routines she did have a lot of sensible advice and I was pretty strict at night. Eventually the babies ‘got it’ and by three months (my son by a few weeks) they went down well and I would wake them for a sleepy feed before I went to bed then they would wake one more time before morning. By four/five months after the late night feed they slept through and not long after slept through from 7.30om til morning. It required consistency. I NEVER let my children cry. I waited a minute or two to see if they would resettle and if not I’d go in and calmly settle them, without turning on the light or lifting them if possible. I can count on one hand the times I had repeated wakings, and it was usually due to an earache or feeling poorly.
I saw a few of my friends who followed baby led schedules and they were by and large frazzled and couldn’t commit to an evening out. And their babies weren’t any happier either! I knew my babies were getting a proper nights sleep, as did me and my husband. Was I lucky? Hmm. Most of my friends who did the same as me had similar experiences.
But do what you want! If you were my friend I’d respect how you want to raise your children. But if you came to me exhausted I’d say: routine routine routine.

That’s quite an unpleasant post. What the hell does “align with my values” mean? And feeling smug about your struggling SIL is just nasty.

Do what's right for you and just smile and nod at everyone else

I think whether you decide to sleep train or not, decide to co sleep or not, decide to breastfeed or not etc etc you will always have unsolicited advice on how you could do it better.

You just have to nod and smile and say yes, thanks, I’ll try that.

It doesn’t change. There will always be something that people think you should be doing better with your kids. Soon it’ll be extra-curricular clubs, tutoring, sport, curfews, screentime. The unwanted, unsolicited advice and judgement never ends!

When people ask you about Baby’s sleep, they are just making conversation, they are not deeply interested.

If your answer is “sleeping fine thanks” the conversation ends

If your answer is “not sleeping through, and wakes every couple of hours” people will give you tips

Quality sleep is important, at all ages, whatever time it comes at. Routine will be more important at Work / Nursery / School times.