Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

15 mins of downtime while a child goes to sleep does not prevent any of that.

IF it works that quickly. Doesn't always. And multiply it by number of kids

I tried sleep training with my oldest child (now 23). It didn’t work. Or rather, my will broke before his did. I stuck it for 2 weeks with no improvement - he could scream his head off for hours. I didn’t bother with the next 2 (too tired already), though I did do ridiculous things like lie on the floor by the cot holding their hands while they went back to sleep, and usually fell asleep on the floor myself.

Oldest is now a very well adjusted young man in a stable relationship, so I wouldn’t get too hung up on cortisol levels. Your child will have far more stressful things to deal with in life.

I think if you’re complaining about lack of sleep then you can’t be annoyed with people for making suggestions based on what worked for them.

for what it’s worth, the family I know who had a bad sleeper and didn’t sleep train still have a bad sleeper 4 years on and it’s brutal. They actually attempted sleep training when she was 3 but it’s so so much harder once they can climb out of bed and leave their room etc. So if I knew you, I’d be encouraging you to do it now before it gets too late (although tbh I think you’ve already left it later than ideal).

if you don’t want suggestions or advice then stop mentioning it to people!

the point is sleep training doesn’t guarantee anything either! Look at all the people saying they sleep trained and it didn’t work, or when sleep training “works” until they are toddlers and then it all goes to shit etc.

Don't i know it. I had one that didn't sleep through the night until she was 4

Dolly Alderton said something recently about her parents always lying with her while she went to sleep as a child and how this left her with huge sleep association problems as an adult and she wishes they hadn’t done it. So there are different perspectives.

Leave DS be, he’ll sleep when he sleeps. Leaving him to cry will just train him to not rely on you.

…it is a lovely way to spend (10 minutes of) my evening. I literally said it’s often my favourite bit of the day. Do you think I’m lying?

You said you sleep trained and you’re glad you did, that’s fine. I’m saying I didn’t sleep train, and I’m glad I didn’t.

Everyone can do what works for them. I don’t feel the need to make up anti-sleep training information to justify what I’ve done, it’s working perfectly for me. I just want new mums who might be reading this to know it’s absolutely fine not to ST and will not mean your child doesn’t sleep when they get older. There’s absolutely no research evidence that suggests this is the case and it’s absolutely not been my own experience.

I’d be massively impressed if you can do all this in the time it takes my child to fall asleep. If you can, please forget trying to convince me I should have sleep trained and teach me your ways….

It works for you to lie with your 4 year old (so not a baby) only child. Until they sleep.

Wouldn’t work quite as well with multiple children.

I don’t think everyone needs to sleep
train. All babies are different. I did sleep training for 3 days with my eldest. Youngest I didn’t need to.

I don’t think lying with school aged children until they go to sleep is a good habit to get in to.

It only works for you because you have one child. What happens when you go out? Do you get a babysitter to lie with your child until they sleep?

Sleep training isn’t always cry it out. It can be helping your baby learn they are safe in their environment and letting them figure out how to fall asleep. For example, you may wait 5 minutes while they grumble but then fall asleep, but would go in if it escalated to them crying. It’s not always a bad thing. If you reinforce that not being asleep yet means they need to be immediately soothed, then they will inevitably need that to sleep. It’s entirely your choice and it sounds like you’ve made it with plenty of research, but we also need to stop shaming mums who sleep train. Cry it out is something entirely different to sleep training imo.

I didn't say in 15 mins. But not all kids settled that fast I don't actually care what you do

Like I said, I’m not sure why it wouldn’t work for more than one child and if I have another I won’t do anything differently. Sure, it would probably take some coordinating but anything does when you have two children as I’ve never met two siblings that do everything simultaneously.

Why do you think it’s a bad habit to get into? What do you think might happen because I still lie in bed with my 4 year old?

Yes, as I’ve said — anyone who puts her to bed lies with her for a few minutes and she goes right to sleep. No one has found this difficult. It literally takes less than 10 minutes.

If you can’t genuinely see why lying in bed with more than one child every time they go to sleep may be tricky then I give up.

If course it’s easy with one child…

Sleep train or don’t sleep train but the bottom line is your 4 year old can’t sleep without someone lying next to them. Might work for you but I don’t think it’s something that most parents aim for.

Obviously you don't pay babysitters then as they wouldn't put up with it.

Random question though. If you did have another baby, what happens if the baby needs feeding 5 mins into you laying with your child and you are alone in the house for example? Or you are laying with older one while toddler running riot? Don't really how you can say you'd be able to do it with 2 of them

Of course it’s easier with one child, everything is easier with one child. I’m assuming that doesn’t mean life stops and you don’t do anything because you have too many children and it’s difficult!

You’re right, my 4 year old can’t fall asleep without someone lying next to her for 10 mins or less. I’m certain as she gets older she will fall asleep just fine herself, and that this will happen naturally as she grows. The bottom line is that there is absolutely no problem with the way she falls asleep. If you genuinely can’t understand this, then I give up!

Cognitive dissonance. Accepting that you're doing what's best for your baby means questioning whether leaving their own baby alone to cry was really what was best for them, which is going to bring up all kinds of negative feelings.

Ok so this is relevant to the OP if she doesn’t want any more children and is happy to lie next to her child whilst they go to sleep for the next 4 years.

Great input. Thanks. Can we move on - such a massive derail. Your situation is pretty unique and you have a 4 year old (that can’t get to sleep alone)..

I’m sorry what?! 😂 I actually laughed out loud at this…of course they do!!

What in the world seems so difficult about reading a story in bed and then staying for another 10 minutes until a child falls asleep? It’s much easier than looking after a child that is awake and playing.

Id imagine that laying in bed with a random child would go against most safeguarding rules

I’m happy to move on as I’m not sure there’s much more to be said. The only derail is the bizarre focus on my child “needing” to lie next to me to fall asleep, which was not even the point of my first reply.

Anecdotally I have friends who sleep trained with 4 year olds (or older) that struggle much more with sleep than my child. But the point is, it doesn’t matter because sleep training (a baby) has little to do with how they sleep later.

Nailed it. Lack of sleep is awful and I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t want a baby to sleep more conventional hours so you can rest.

So how are you functioning during the day? How’s DH doing? How long can you carry on with insufficient sleep? Do either of you have to function at work the next day?

@RubySquid I mean, no, no one who looks after my child is a random adult so there is never a situation where someone feels they are being asked to lie in bed with a “random child.” I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my child with anyone “random” even if went to sleep on her own.

If I had another baby or toddler I imagine I’d take the baby in with me and feed them whilst she feel asleep, or my husband would take the toddler etc. I’d have to work it out I guess. Same as if we were out and one child needs the toilet, or a nappy change etc. Multiple children often need different things at different times and this is 10 minutes of my day so I don’t see it as being any different.