Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

I have had similar with my two kids, neither of whom have been a good sleeper, along with other pushed opinions like to start formula/combi feeding and to start my kids in nursery from a young age. My opinion of it has always been that people do this to make themselves feel better about having made those choices themselves, even if that is subconsciously. When they see someone making sacrifices and putting their child’s best interests first I think it can be triggering that they didn’t make the same choice so they try to push you into doing what they did, even when you have made it clear that’s not what you want to do.

It feels like you want an argument. I did sleep training for one night, worked a treat. Would never force my opinion on anyone else. Even tho I have some good arguments for it. If your friends are doing that then you’ve got shit friends , but you seem to want to take it out on strangers on the internet

It wasn't meant to be unpleasant but whatever floats your boat.

It means exactly what is says on the tin, sleep training doesn't align with my values. My values being I believe in being responsive to my child even in the night time when I'd rather not be. And not only responsive, but responsive in what they want/need, if that's boob for comfort then so be it. I know that doesn't work for others and that's okay.

I absolutely feel smug when my SIL is talking about night wake ups. Although I love her dearly, she was rather smug when her child was sleeping through the night and mine was not. I have friends and family whose children do not sleep through the night and I don't feel the same sense of smugness. However, I always reassure my SIL things will get better and don't bang on about wake windows, white noise and blackout blinds being the holy grail to sleep, because funny enough I tried those and still do.

Similar reasons I comment on everything I see about it to beg them not to. They believe their way is correct and the other way is harmful.

Is there an element on both sides of a need to validate our own choice?
I know it's correct to respond to my baby and not leave them to cry. It's not right to leave anyone to cry.

I feel anger at the thought of it and I think people who do sleep train feel anger at the thought of sleeping with your baby. Maybe they truly believe it causes the baby harm. Maybe they feel guilty and frustrated knowing their baby cries for them and they can't go to them.

No, you were nasty. You are smug that your SIL is struggling. That is not the same as her being smug when her older child slept through as it doesn’t sound like you were struggling (values, yes?) and two wrongs don’t make a right anyway.

I never left my babies to cry. They all learnt to sleep through when they were ready.

Unfortunately not everyone has the IQ to understand the concept of cortisol levels. They just think “ooh, baby’s stopped crying, great, sleep training has worked!”

I admired anyone that could be bothered to sleep train. We never did. We co-slept for the first year and I breastfed lying down. I just completely went with the flow and had no routines.

But by the age of one, they were in their own rooms and sleeping through from 7pm. Worked for us, wouldn’t be ideal for some. No one ever commented.

Haha. Ohh nooo. We had this. A friend spend THOUSANDS on a sleep school. I have to say, I'm probably the only one I know who hasn't sleep trained... it's NOT a one time fix!! They ended up having to do it many, many times!!

My 1st woke up a helluva lot.. and the first night he chose to sleep a FULL 12 hours was at 2.5, the exact night we brought baby number 2 back from the hospital - WTAF, couldn't belive we didn't even get 1 full night!!

Well, our second one is the same. I really hope he sleeps a 12 hour sooner!

Just ignore them, it's like everything kid- related, if it works for them, people sometimes think it would work for everyone and everyone else is crazy for not doing it!

Op come back when they are 3/4 and have already bad sleeping habits and then see how you will regret it. Contact napping at 11m really is a bad habit. Do you not work or go out?

Our experience only, recognising it doesn't apply for everyone -no sleep training, breast feeding to sleep (though we did night wean later where I would hold the baby when crying at night instead of my wife), lying down in the bed next to our daughter when she was trying to sleep or holding her to sleep, no limiting of daytime naps so night bedtime was as late as 10pm sometimes, all the things they say don't do but also all the things babies like. She went to nursery regularly so did have to get up at regular times in the morning. By age 3.5 when she dropped her nap,she was going to bed at 7.30 and sleeping 11 or 12 hours through the night and still does now at age 6.

I think people have a tendency to assume what worked for them works for others. And the idea that if you never sleep train, you are doomed to poor sleep habits well into teenage years is peddled by people who have a system to sell.

You must be telling people he doesn’t sleep, otherwise they wouldn’t say anything. Perhaps they think you are asking. Perhaps they just feel they should say something more helpful than “poor you”. Perhaps the three of you are coming across as crankier than you realise. Perhaps what you see as “sensitive” is perceived by other people as “knackered”.

You are probably unconsciously telling people too much info. People only give you advice when you ask for it or are complaining about something. My mil wrecks my head about weaning, now I dont mention it at all and there's nothing she can bring up. If she tries, I shut down the conversation by saying. Oh yeah baby is doing great......and change the subject

They might not do formal sleep training as we would understand it but I doubt they jump out of bed every time their toddler makes a noise for fear they will develop lifelong depression either.

We did this.

Couldn’t bring myself to sleep train. Even if I’d wanted to let DC cry it out I was too worried we’d piss the neighbours off as we live in a mid-terrace with paper thin walls. But we did night wean over the course of a week by letting DH deal with wake ups when I’d really had enough of disturbed sleep around 14 months.

After that it got so much better by itself. She’s two now and whilst she still needs company falling asleep she does sleep through most nights.

OP mine was a contact napper as well and I was very conscious that between that and the bad nights people must be thinking I was doing something wrong. They probably thought I was far too soft. If anyone mentioned just letting her cry by herself or sleep training I’d always acknowledge it could work but say something like but I don’t think I could face all that crying with a what am I like sort of face. Which is the truth really. We’re through it now though and I just hope if we have any more they’re less needy sleepers!

Sleep training, as in learning your child to cry until they fall asleep is literally over of the cruelest thing you can do to a child and their developing brain and nervous system. All they learn is that no one's coming. Just don't discuss your child's sleep with anyone, I don't.
My 1 year old still has the odd contract nap on me and needs cuddles in the night sometimes... I'm so happy to oblige knowing that I'm building our attachment, meeting his needs and helping his brain develop. Be kind to yourself and know that what you decide is right for you and your family. No one else matters

I didn’t sleep train mine. At some random point that I have absolutely no explanation for they just started sleeping through. I assume it’s just a development point that they pass when they pass. I think if I had sleep trained I would have attributed this natural phase to the sleep training.

Everyone has their own ideas on parenting. If it’s not this it’ll be something else so just get used to ignoring advice and opinions if not helpful.

You've just described the most extreme form of sleep training which I can't imagine many people do nowadays.

Especially when there's a billion other sleep training options, some may involve small amounts of crying but some don't require leaving a child to cry at all.

Wow this is impressive timing 😂

No, they probably reacted to your implicit and sanctimonious suggestion that you're the only person who made sacrifices. Everyone just makes DIFFERENT sacrifices

As per usual, you don’t understand what sleep training is in the 21st century and have harked back to some kind of Victorian era. Honestly, I’ve been on MN for well over 10 years and this kind of sleep training (cry it out) was incredibly rare back then and parents who sleep trained were forever having to tell those who wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole the facts of the matter.

I think parents like this consider themselves to be far more educated than the rest of us mere mortals - and then display their ignorance like this.

Isn’t sleep training about teaching your baby the skills to sleep through the night rather than ferberising? I’ve not actually been through this process but from friends who have it has seemed to be this, not uncontrolled endless crying. In which case, I can see why your friends are bamboozled you wouldn’t be interested, because then it sounds the same as you saying “I’m not going to toilet train little Johnny as it’s important for his emotions that he feels comfortable enough to urinate wherever he thinks is best”.

Not unreasonable not to sleep train - some people do, some don't.

I coslept for a while with both my boys as they breastfed all night. Now they are 1 and 3 they have their own (shared) room but still need me with them to fall asleep, wake in the evenings and at night and either come through to our bed or we sleep on their floor. It's broken sleep and one of the hardest parts of parenting for me but it's just what we have to get through for now.

In my desperate times I have tried some forms of 'sleep training' and after a few nights of being awake for hours on end, kids waking each other up, everyone in an awful mood and barely being able to function, I decided to just accept how things are at the moment and muddle through each night. Sometimes it's just not that easy.

My 3 year old is much easier to manage than my 1 year old so it does get easier even if we are taking the long way.

No, you don't have to sleep train at all. It might click for your DS, in fact, given all the time he needs it certainly will and it sounds like you have a brilliant set up to manage his needs.
Just anecdotally: I refused to sleep train my DD until just after her 2nd birthday when I was running on fumes and just couldn't bear co-sleeping anymore. I feared the worst, but nursery reassured me, and it took us less than a week to manage it. We did our own variation (I couldn't leave her to cry, but I was pretty strict on "kiss, cuddle, I love you, goodnight") and I won't lie, I was up and down, up and down, the first three nights and it was awful, but then on the fourth night, for the first time ever, she slept through the night and it was bliss. It wasn't perfect all the time, but it was so much better. She's nearly 3 now and a brilliant sleeper.
I suppose I'm sharing this to say, hang in there and also, it's okay if a year from now, you change your mind if you need to.
Sending love and luck OP x

I would never leave my baby to cry but I trained my babies early on to self soothe and my kids slept through from around 11 weeks. I kept a routine that worked for us all and DH worked with me as a team, our DC often had sleepovers at GPs with no issue from 2yrs.

BiL and SIL decided not to sleep train and allowed DNs to sleep on them and later with them, as a result they have had interrupted sleep for the last 7yrs and their DC cannot sleep without their parents. They are in a cycle of permanent exhaustion with no nights off.

OP, you should parent exactly that works best for your family. I personally cannot function well on broken sleep, I don't see how it good for kids either.

Sleep training isn't about forcing your kids to cry all night, that is neglect and abuse. It is about creating the right circumstances that allows your baby to fall asleep without needing Mum and Dad.