AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

I honestly didn’t expect this level of response at all, so thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to comment. I’ve read every single reply and it’s given me a lot of clarity on things I’ve been suspecting for a long time. It’s also good to know that over 90 percent of you don’t think I’m being unreasonable, because at home I’m constantly made to feel like I am.

I love my children fiercely and I’ve been trying my best to protect them from all of this. Hearing other perspectives has really helped me step back and look at the bigger picture. Leaving is definitely on the table and so is therapy. I’m not making any decisions today, but this thread has helped me more than I can put into words. Thank you all again.

I'm sorry OP - but that's what I was trying to figure out/allude to in an earlier post. Whether SD was same/similar heritage to you...but from your post here - I'm assuming she is not.

Op, I'm sorry to say this but you have not 'built a family' together. The man is a pig, the moment he told SD she was is favourite should be the moment that tells you everything you need to know, he is foul! That type of behaviour will cause life long problems for your children, get him out, considering he dosent even like you you wont be missing much.

I’d be taking our children to my mums and leaving them home. I have never spent a Christmas Day with my ex because he never willing to be a family 364 other days of the year so he doesn’t get the privilege,

I do think you are being unreasonable really. Firstly, although 700£ is a large amount for a present for most people, it’s the sort of thing you might spend on a 15 year old for a lap top or pc for Christmas without spending the same on younger children, with the understanding that when they need an equivalent item further down the line you will do the same for them.
We bought our eldest a computer one year and only spent a fraction on younger sibling.

You are cross because she is not your child, plain and simple.

You had children with a man who already was a father. Why did you suppose you could do things as if you were a nuclear family, when you aren’t? It’s obvious to an outsider that it’s unrealistic, but it seems that some people only see what they wish to see.

@pondscaters have you read OP’s posts? Or do you think it’s acceptable for him to tell his 2 year old to shut up, and tell his daughter she’s his favourite in front of the others?

This. Christmas is a red herring here. It’s hard to see a way back from what he is saying.

I just needed to respond to your post. I think it’s amazing you have done that for your children.

I grew up where my sibling was favoured over me by my grandparents - they got trips to Disney World, weekly trips out with them, cars bought for them while I had no such treatment. As a child and teenager I used to wonder what was wrong with me and it has affected my self confidence and worth well into adulthood.

I also hold some resentment towards my mother for letting it happen. So the fact you haven’t let it happen is wonderful, it will mean so much to your children in the long run and is such a strong thing to do.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

It doesn’t bother you that he’s abusive to his youngest child? Who doesn’t get any love from his dad, just told to shut up when he’s crying and ‘I don’t like you’ other times? Having a child who doesn’t live with you doesn’t make other dads abusive to their children. He’s been privileged to be supported to have his family and through cancer and now the op needs to prioritise her children who need a safe loving home. And to be valued in herself - he doesn’t like the op that much either.

You don’t think she might be cross because her husband doesn’t like his other children with her? Never has time or a kind word? Never prioritises her? They can’t get a car she can drive with the dc?

TLDR but seriously @EllieGsMum when someone tells you who they are you need to believe them...

Sorry to hear what you’re going through OP, it sounds awful.

I have two dc with different fathers and love them equally but from what I’ve experienced/witnessed, in most cases men do seem to favour the child/children from the first partner.

It’s one of the reasons I prefer to stay single than date a single father. Did it once and the dynamics were very clear that I would be placed last after his DC (rightly so) but also the BM.

I think £700 is a pretty normal amount to spend on a 15 year old if you can afford it and a completely unnecessary amount to spend on little children of 2 and 5.

You could spend a couple of hundred pounds on the 2 and 5 year old and buy them lots of toys they’d love with that. £700 is just an iPhone for a 15 year old. I don’t think there needs to be an equal amount spent on the children. The younger ones will have that spent on them when they’re 15.

It’s always going to be difficult juggling Christmas Day with a man who has kids from a previous relationship. Obviously he is going to want to see all his kids at Christmas and obviously DSC wants to see both her parents. It’s really hard. Can you parents not come to you?

Where did twins come from? This a classic example of someone not reading the thread!

Please don't stay with this awful man, every single day your children are being emotionally damaged by him.

I’d honestly get divorced over the way he’s treating everyone, including you. Let him treasure all of his children on his limited time with them if he’s not willing to value them (and you) now.

For Christmas, as a blended family we’ve always done a set amount (say £200 per child). When they’re young they obviously only really want things that total say £50 so the other £150 goes into their “gift” account and when they’re older and want more expensive things we pull from there. So over their lifespan everyone has had the same amount spent on them, just differing amounts at differing times based on differing interests. It also helps us budget over time instead of having the expensive teenage interests hit us all at one time. Not sure if that would work for your family though.

Take your kids and have a lovely Christmas with your parents. Your husband is being unreasonable.

I'm really sorry you got treated that way, it was never ever you, it's them, it's just a nasty way to control people & more often than not they go for the more compliant child

It still hurts me to this day that my mum favoured my sister over me and my other sisters. Watching the pattern repeat with my own children was horrible. My dad favoured one of my cousins over the rest and that one cousin was always invited on holidays and days out with us, as a child I didn't see it as favouritism but as an adult I feel terrible for how horrible the rest of my siblings must have felt constantly watching their brother be the "chosen" one.

Thank you for saying that, it does take strength but it's very very sad to be in this position. But, at least my kids know that I will always always choose them x

I was about to reply the same thing! Cucy needs to give their head a shake. Absolutely abhorrent.

That really is not what this is about at all. I do not have an issue with spending more on an older child. I understand the different ages and different needs. If it was a laptop for school I would be the first one to suggest it. That is the kind of thing I usually think ahead about for her and funnily enough he doesn’t. I would never begrudge her something she genuinely needs.

What I am talking about is the pattern in how the children are treated, not the money. There is a very clear difference in the emotional way he is with her compared to our two. She gets his softness and attention and they get the short, irritated version of him. I am the same with my own DC because I call him out when he is being too harsh with our DS. He gets treated differently from the girls and it is not right. So it is not just about the step relationship at all, it is the general way the children are spoken to and responded to.

And I am absolutely not cross because she is not my child. She is part of my family. I have cared for her consistently. I make sure she has what she needs when she is with us. I have spent time, money and energy making her comfortable. I have bought her things, supported her interests and made life easier for her without expecting anything back. So it hurts when strangers assume the opposite.

My post is about the emotional dynamic in the home. It is the pattern of my children being treated differently and the long term effect that has. That is what I am trying to address. It is not about pretending we are a nuclear family. I know we are blended. I have always tried to make it work and make sure everyone feels loved and included.

This is about fairness, respect, and the environment the children are growing up in. That is all.

and what did he say?

Ooofe, this is horrible. Time to rethink the whole lot OP.

C or no C, bin him off.

Cancer or not he is an arse. This year should be about you all as a family after a traumatic year.

He should be absolutely criticised though for his favouritism and how he treats his other kids; saying they don't deserve it when asked about giving them a gift the same value as his DD's (it would have been different if he had said did not need), telling their sister in front of them that she is his favourite, calling them annoying and telling his crying 2 year old to shut up. He can make sure his DD is not disadvantaged without being cold and emotionally abusive towards the additional children he chose to have who live with him. He's no better than the people who choose to marry a person with kids then mistreat their SC or favour their kid(s) from their current relationship over their kid(s) from a previous relationship.

Oh OP none of this is normal or acceptable. What a cruel man he is.