AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

OP, are your children mixed heritage? If they are, do they have the opportunity to learn about all aspects of their identity and culture? I wonder if your eagerness for them to spend time with your parents is to allow your children to experience Nigerian culture and traditions.

Think you might have to re think a lot of things that are going on currently, I wouldn’t be happy if my other half was prioritising his DS over ours especially when it came to wanting to spend £700 on them.
the Christmas situation is a joke, if he doesn’t want to go to your parents for Christmas then I’d honestly take the two children and go there and let him and his DD have their own, you’d regret it years to come when they are no longer with you and you don’t have many memories at Christmas with your own children with them on Christmas Day. Cancer or not he needs to suck it up and stop being an ass, just because he has cancer doesn’t mean that everything needs to be done his way

I assume SD doesn’t live with you so he spends less time and money on her, only fair she gets a bigger present.
Your relationship sounds horrendous and not convinced that you should actually be together.

Just to clarify, my children are half Nigerian and Christmas on my side of the family is a really big part of their heritage. It’s something I’d love them to experience properly at least once in their childhoods.

The plan was never to force SD to spend days at my parents’. We were going to get an Airbnb nearby so we all had our own space, and SD would only come along if she felt comfortable. No pressure at all. It was meant to be like a little holiday where everyone had options, not obligations.

My parents hardly ever get to see the kids, and now that I’ve finally passed my driving test we can start making more regular trips during the year. But after the year we’ve had, I wanted my DC to have one Christmas where they could actually experience that side of their identity and family traditions.

And to be honest, SD has mentioned before that she’d like to experience it one day. I remember when DH sent her WhatsApp videos from my mum’s 60th in January and she said it looked amazing. So it’s not even that she wouldn’t want to. It’s more the way DH frames everything as “she won’t like it” before she’s even asked, which just shuts down any attempt at making things fair for all the kids.

It’s never been about excluding SD or putting her in an awkward position. It’s always been about trying to balance everyone’s needs, not just one child’s. I think this year is the first time I’ve really started recognising the pattern for what it is. For years I’ve excused things because he lost his mum, and then the cancer scare hit us all so hard. I tried to be understanding and give him space to grieve and process, but looking back I can see I’ve let things slide that weren’t healthy for me or the children.

Did you read the posts where he tells the 2 year old to shut up when he cries?? And tells the SD that she's his favourite in front of the other children?

It's like when it comes to step-children - people put ear plugs in!

Take the kids and leave him to get on with it.

Yes! they’re mixed heritage. My side is Nigerian and Christmas was honestly the best part of my childhood. I just want my kids to experience that too.

They don’t get to see that side of their culture much because my parents live far away and I only just passed my test this year. So yes, that’s a big part of why I wanted to spend a bit of time there.

Is your SD of Nigerian descent too?
If that's maybe too outing please don't feel the need to answer.

How is your relationship generally, OP? How has it been in the past? It doesn’t seem you’ve been together for a very long time and children came along quickly - but is there love there? Do you feel loved, supported - do you love him?

I say this because saying he doesn’t like you is utterly cruel. Has he apologised? I myself am being treated for cancer at the moment and yes I have dark days and snap at times (usually around people just saying the wrong thing etc) but I apologise when I know I’ve crossed a line. I am also feeling so supported by DH and we’ve never felt like more of a team. There is so much mutual love and respect there and I don’t actually know how you get through the huge life events without that. For example, I’ve had surgeries and DH has done all the housework and chores etc and I’ve been SO utterly appreciative when he does. How does he treat you?

Just to clarify, my DH does not currently have cancer. It was caught extremely early, treated with a small outpatient surgery and completely removed within two weeks of the initial concern. There was no chemo or further treatment needed. It was still scary at the time, of course, but thankfully it was the best possible outcome and he is fully well now. He was actually in good health by the time he told SD about it.

Christmas has never been about me trying to get my way. I wanted to spend a few days near my parents so the kids could experience that part of their culture. We had already planned to get an Airbnb so everyone had their own space. SD would only come to my parents if she felt comfortable, absolutely no pressure.

And just to be clear, I never expected £700 to be spent on a 5 and 2 year old. I only asked for a little more than £50 each, even if that meant just topping up their savings. The issue isn’t the amount, it is the huge difference and the pattern behind it.

My post wasn’t about cancer or presents. It is about the bigger concerns around how the children are treated differently and how that is affecting them.

I'd be asking him, 'when we split up, are our kids going to be treasured as much as SD?'

I’m so sorry you are going through that and I completely understand the need to snap at people too. I really do. I actually appreciate the fact you see what your partner is doing and how it has made you stronger. In my case, mine saw it as weakness when I helped. I was fine being the one snapped at because everyone needs somewhere for the fear and anger to go, and I thought it wasn’t about me. Or at least I told myself that.

He says he loves me, and I do love him too, although if I’m honest I think it is at my own detriment. There has been love between us, but the way things have been over the past couple of years has chipped away at that feeling of being supported or cared for. I don’t feel like we’re a team. I don’t feel appreciated for what I do. When things get hard, instead of us pulling together he almost pushes me away or blames me.

The comment about him not liking me hurt more than I expected. It wasn’t said in the heat of the moment either. There was no apology after, just… nothing. I think that’s what really cut deep. Knowing he could say something like that and not see the damage it causes.

Reading your comment made me realise how much I’ve normalised in my own relationship. You shouldn’t have to beg for basic kindness, especially during life’s hardest moments. You and your DH sound like a real partnership, and that’s what I always thought we’d have.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I truly wish you strength and healing with your treatment.

Less than your sd’s Christmas present. Treat yourself, OP!

The OPs main concern was that he is giving his daughter £700. My comment related to that. Had her main concern been that he tells the child to shut up, rather than that being an after thought I'd have focused on that.

If my DH was telling our young child to ‘shut up’ or that they ‘were annoying’ he would be getting blasted by me regardless of his poor heath this year. It sounds like he’s always been indifferent to your little ones and the emotional damage that will
be doing, especially as they get older will be significant.
I would be having a firm conversation about appropriate language to use to children, and how unfair he is being to his small children. If nothing changed I would be looking to remove them from this situation because it’s not a healthy one for them to be in.

He’s white British, and honestly that’s one of the things that scares me. I really hope that’s not what any of this is rooted in. The thought of my children being treated differently because they’re mixed makes me feel sick. I pray that’s not the case because I’d feel like I’ve completely failed them if it was.

I don’t think it’s her main concern at all. I think it’s just the latest piss take on top of everything else he does on a daily basis. More to come I bet.

I think Yabu expecting a 15 year old step child to spend all of the Christmas period 4.5 hours away, where the focus is time with your parents and family. She hardly knows them.
I also think Yabu regarding the Christmas present. You can get away with spending small amounts on a 2 and 5 year old, they are young enough that it just isn't necessary to spend much. Make the most of the inexpensive years would be my advice, their time of being teens and wanting gifts that cost £££ will come.
The rest of it, he sounds awful. Are you considering leaving him?

Lmao I did ask that. How messed up is that!

I think you should find ways for your children to spend some Christmases with your family but do you honestly not see why it wouldn’t very nice for your sd to be by herself in an air bnb in a strange city or why she might find lots of time with your family overwhelming.

with the car pre test, when were you wanting to practice? If it was with kids in the car then I can see why your dh didn’t want it. That would not have been appropriate.

Do you work OP? Could you take out a car loan to provide yourself with more independence and visit your parents more often? I’m sorry that your husband is treating you and your children like this 💐

How is SD going to see both her mother and father over Christmas if you take her 4.5 hours away? Staying in an Airbnb doesn’t solve the problem of missing time with her mother.

a phone for a 15yo is a fairly common Christmas gift these days. That doesn’t mean every family can afford such a splurge.

i don’t think fair means the same with gifts. My budget can’t take splurging for everyone every year. What I can do is try to find the best gift possible for each person. Sometimes that costs more and sometimes it can cost very little. Staying flexible and rotating the splurges means I can afford to go a little overboard now and then as long as it is never only for one person it feels fair.

Quite possibly.

If that's the case, then you haven't failed - he has.

It wasn't until I'd gone out with my uni boyfriend for a couple of years that he announced that he'd avoided introducing me to a certain friend because that friend wouldn't approve of my Eastern European heritage.

She’s with her mum 90 percent of the year, and when she’s with us we are usually travelling or doing something as a family, so we are hardly ever just “at home” anyway. We practically tour around our families when she’s here, so it’s not like she would be stuck somewhere feeling uncomfortable. And if we all went to that part of the country she would also get to see DH’s uncle and aunties, so it wouldn’t even just be about my side of the family. It genuinely wasn’t meant to exclude her. It was about trying to make things fair and giving all the kids a chance to see the people who matter to them.

I never said she shouldn’t get nice things. What I said was that the difference is drastic. Even putting a bit extra into our DC’s savings would have been fine. It’s not about the amount. It’s the difference in how he treats them. She gets his loving, caring side and we get the arsehole side of him.

And just to be clear, I’ll happily spend hundreds on her and I have in the past, the same way I would and do for my own DC. There has never been any difference in how I treat them.

Leaving is on the cards, yes. It’s just hard because we built a family & business together.