AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

In truth I would strongly be considering going to your parents anyway and leaving him behind with SD. I understand why this may not be plausible, depending on his diagnosis (if there’s a chance it’s his last Christmas). He sounds extremely unpleasant and has no right to talk to you like that though and you’d likely have a better time without him…

Teens do naturally get more spent on them but it tends to be less stuff overall
e.g my 15 yo is getting AirPods, trainers and clothes which amounts to around £500 because he’s 6 foot with size 11 feet so of course his clothes and shoes cost more! I still get a lot of my 5 yo DS’s presents on Vinted and he just wants toys.

Having said that, £700 is a lot. Suppose it depends what it is though, it might be an iPad or something in which case it’s a solid gift.

What about his other 2 children? They might be young but they aren’t stupid, they can easily catch on when something isn’t right.

Why can't you give/put in a savings' account £700 for each of your dc out of your own personal money to equalise it and make it fairer? Do it and tell him about it. And don't buy a gift for your dsd from your own personal money.

With your parents being quite a distance I would imagine a Christmas including SD would always be difficult?

Although that doesn't explain why you haven't been there on the years that she is with her mum.

I'd go to parents & leave him & daughter to do as they wish.

He's awful to you & your kids though.

I had to check that they are also his!

He cheated on his ex & broke up that family & that's entirely on him.

He’s not a good father to any of his children. From what you’ve described I suspect that this is another one that isn’t about the children at all, it’s about you. He’s controlling. It sounds like he liked that you couldn’t drive and, now that you can, wants to prevent you from having a car so he can keep isolating you from your family and controlling where you go and who you see. It sounds like he’s controlling with money and how you spend your time.

He has weaponised his children because he knows that this is one of the best ways to hurt and control you. He yells at them, abuses them, tells them that they’re annoying and he likes his eldest daughter the best. He acts like the Best Dad Ever to her because it hurts you. When you protest, he tears into you about how awful you are and how much you hate his daughter because he wants to lower your self-esteem and opinion of yourself. He gets you to plead with him to treat them better and tiptoe around him to keep him happy. He wants you to spend your time trying to stay on his good side and thinking about his every mood and whim.

He is abusive and you need to leave. He may still try to control you through the children if you leave or he may lose interest entirely but regardless you will be able to provide them with a stable environment with you that is protected from his toxicity.

Indeed, my mum always said that you should always have lunch with the ex before marrying someone who's been married before!

OP do you work and have money of your own? I wonder why he calls the shots on what gets spent? If you don't work, I'd suggest you look for a job.

Do you not have access to money? I would simply ignore him and buy whatever I felt the DC needed (nb I think presents can be unequal and my DC have varying amounts spent). Within your marriage you obviously have the money, a 5yo could receive a nice bike/scooter/piano lessons

The 2yo tbf I would spend less on as they just want plastic crap and the less of that the better.

So she needs more money spent on her present?

I don’t find it unreasonable to spend much more on a teenage child than a 2 and 5 year old, and it’s weird to me to think about putting money in their savings accounts to equalise it. Presumably they will also get more expensive gifts one day.

I also think it’s not unreasonable for someone to want to stay put for Christmas and have it as a nuclear family instead of traveling 4.5 hours, especially given the dynamic with the stepchild. It seems like that would be more fun for the overall group.

it sounds like your husband is being difficult in various ways but I do not find either of these things to be objectionable.

So if your DC never get to see their DF and DGPs at the same time, does that mean DSD’s mother never gets to spend Christmas with her? Does your DH have his DD every Christmas?

A PP suggested hiring a car and you driving the DC to your parents. I think you should take the family car (which he probably sees as “his” car) to your parents. If he needs a car he can hire one himself.

Treat yourself to a New Year’s present of an appointment with a solicitor. (Or a shovel and some patio slabs!)

I know you cannot split time, attention or household costs equally between children. They are different ages with different needs and I am not expecting identical treatment at all.

The issue is that that he treats one child as more deserving than the others. That is the part that hurts and that is what I am struggling with.

Nothing I wrote was embellished. At home I am often told I am overreacting or thinking only of myself, which is why I came here to check if I was being unfair. Everything happened exactly as I described.

Christmas and the money is just the latest saga. It is what finally made me step back and see the pattern that has been happening for years.

He even said it himself. He admitted that he treats SD better because she is not around as much as the others. I asked him if he needs to lose these ones too before he realises they deserve the same love and effort. It broke my heart to say it, but his answer and his behaviour told me everything I needed to know.

This is the same man who tells me he loves me, which only adds to the confusion. His words and his behaviour do not match and trying to make sense of that has been exhausting.

I know me and my children deserve better than this dynamic and that is why I asked for outside perspective.

@EllieGsMum I know it will be difficult to do but I think you need to go and spend Christmas with your children at you parents’ house. Where it will be happy, stress free, tension free, magical and somewhere where Christmas will be about them as much as everyone else. Everything they deserve.

Yes they won’t spend Christmas with their dad, but he doesn’t sound like he will be the best company for them during THEIR Christmas anyway. I know he has cancer but it’s no excuse, he’s an adult and should think about the consequences of his actions and attitudes.

As I’m reading the post I kept thinking I will ask how his marriage ended with SD mum. Sounds like he feels guilt over something. However, he chose to have more family and everyone should be equal

DH is taking the piss.

What do your kids say when this man tells them to shut up, that they annoy him, and his other kid is his favourite?

Do they fawn and try to appease him?

Of course. As any other excessive gesture will.

Yes, teenagers are usually delighted with a new phone, it won't make her forget but it'll cheer her up.

Why Did his last relationship break down? Sounds like he’s got some guilt about it if he’s got to spoil the step daughter?

To be honest he sounds like a total p*rick. I’m guessing for him to say he doesn’t like you perhaps his near death experience has clarified his feelings on things? A lot of men regret divorce / breaking up when they get older. He sounds like a total loser.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad.

YABVU

Your DH has got cancer.
Of course he’s going to want to spend Christmas at home with his child.

I can’t believe posters are evening suggesting you take his other 2 to your parents so he doesn’t get to see them on Xmas.

Its also ridiculous to spend £700 on a 5 and 2 year old.

If he wants to spoil the eldest, who is fully aware that her dad is seriously ill, then let him.

I actually think it’s awful that you are making Christmas about you and what you want, when your husband has cancer.

I think spending more on a 15 year old than toddlers/young children is reasonable. Putting the difference in their savings accounts would be unfair on the 15 year old.

does saying at your family mean that sd misses out on time with her mum at Christmas/ other gamily/ things with friends. I can see why she might not be thrilled about an air bnb and lots of time with your family compared with being home. You may think your family treat her like a great guest but that doesn’t make it necessarily enjoyable for her/ what she wants to do.

on the car and presents why is it all about what your husband is buying/ prepared to spend. Do you not also earn money? Can you buy your own car/ presents?

When your parents are no longer around, will you regret putting your husband and his SD first every Christmas? Stand up for yourself and say you are going to your parents this Christmas with your kids. It’s his choice to come with SD or not

Did you read about how he speaks to the OP and the younger children? Why shouldn't she take them to her parents so they can spend Christmas with people who actually love them and aren't abusive?

Thank you. What you wrote really made me stop and think. I am trying very hard not to speak badly about him because I know he has struggles of his own and this year has been incredibly difficult for all of us.

But I can recognise myself in a lot of what you described. The driving and car situation especially made something click. When I failed my first test I asked him if I could practise in our car to be more confident for the next one. He told me I wasn’t insured on it, so I didn’t question it. After I passed, I went to add myself to the policy and discovered I had actually been insured all along. That moment really shook me, because it made me realise how much I’ve just accepted without thinking.

When I couldn’t drive, I relied on him for everything. Now that I can, a second car suddenly became something we “cannot afford”, even though we can afford other things when it suits. It just made me question the pattern I’ve been living in for years.

I don’t think he is intentionally trying to hurt me or the children, but the way things play out does end up hurting us. When SD is around he becomes very intense emotionally and I think a lot of guilt comes into it, which then means our DC get pushed aside. I’ve tried so many times to raise this gently and calmly, but it constantly gets flipped back onto me as if my concerns come from a bad place, when they really don’t.

Reading your message made me realise how much I’ve normalised things that don’t actually feel healthy. I’ve been walking on eggshells and managing everyone’s emotions for so long that I stopped noticing how drained I am and how much impact it’s having on the children.

I’m not ready to make any decisions yet, but I do know something has to change. Thank you for giving me a different perspective without judging.

It's £612 to start your divorce online.

Is he also Nigerian? Or could there be any racial element to how he treats you and your children compared to his eldest?

It's normal to spend more on teenagers than toddlers at Christmas. It's not normal to tell your wife you don't like her or to let small children know he favours his eldest. That's cruel and abusive. I'd be looking at my options away from him.