To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

Christmas causes such stress for so many people. You have so much on your plate right now it seems as if your mum and it coming up for Christmas is the last straw. And its weeks away yet! Part of is that you must wish your mother was more supportive at such a difficult time, and the fact that she isnt is another loss, on top of all the rest. Use Christmas itself to remember your father, and have a great time with your DC. In the lead up? If you can, sit down, and try and think through what your most pressing problems are and what you might be able to do about them. If ypu can keep a good relationship with other members of uour family, do so. Be kind to yourself.

She sounds claustrophobic, self-absorbed, illogical, emotional, self-centered, mendacious. With everything you’ve got on, honestly a quiet Christmas is probably for the best. If your family, who supposedly love you, can’t see what’s going on in your life and provide support, well I wouldn’t seek them out. Let them just exist, and only interact with them to the extent it suits YOU rather than them.

Well done for articulating your feelings and thoughts. As you said, it’s now all there in black and white. She’s clearly a person whose presence in your life needs to be managed and it doesn’t sound like you have the headspace for it frankly.

This may be the time to throw out ALL the past Xmas 'traditions' and for you and DC to think up new ones, even if they aren't super 'Christmassy'. Let DC 'lead' if they're able to and if they want to have burgers and fries for Xmas Dinner or have dessert first, so be it. If they want to open gifts at a different time or not on Xmas Day, fine. Make it a brand new experience.

As far as the evening when they're gone, make that all about you. Do what you want, again, it doesn't have to be focused on Xmas unless you want it to be. If you want to feel sad, that's fine. Just whatever you do, don't 'wallow' in sadness.

I'm most likely facing my first Xmas alone, too. I'll probably have something nice to eat, avoid alcohol, and maybe clean out a closet or two. For me, it'll probably be treated as 'just another day'.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread So you’ll
expect a call in a day or two from concerned relatives offering a hand.

Let them!

Fuck them, in fact.

those flying monkeys have no weight in your life.

toughen up a bit and stop worrying about what people who aren’t kind to you think about you.

sending menopausal IDGAF vibes.

Cancel Christmas at yours this year

do it now so they can sort themselves out with other plans.

Thank you. I got quite emotional reading this. I just wish it could hurry up come and go. It’s a horrible time of year for me due to my dear dear dad’s sudden passing near Christmas 3 years ago. Truly tragic. 50 and no health problems literally sudden death was the cause. All of this on top of it plus everything else that’s going on in my personal life (losing my business, becoming a single parent, housing issues on the horizon, financial difficulties now which were completely unprecedented, car trouble - living rurally I rely on it, my health both mental and physical) it’s all getting too much to deal with.

I can see why you’re overwhelmed avd I’m so sorry that you lost your DF so suddenly. Have you ever sought some grief counselling? I think it might help you

I went no contact for sonething similar tho nowhere near as serious as your mother. Don’t let herback in. She has no boundaries.

Just be kind to yourself and take time to work out what is best for you. You can decide if you want a low contact relationship by meeting somewhere else

This isn’t about the state of your house. It never has been. It’s about control, superiority, and her using “cleanliness” as a weapon because it’s the one arena where she still thinks she can dominate.

Your mum grew up (and then raised you) in a world where her worth was tied to spotless surfaces and rigid control. And now she’s projecting that onto you so hard she’s practically steam-cleaning your boundaries.

Your house isn’t the issue. Her anxiety and need for dominance is.
If multiple sane, neutral people say your home is lovely and tidy, then that’s the reality. Your mum’s version is distorted by a lifetime of obsessive cleanliness and control. That’s her problem, not yours.

She doesn’t visit — she inspects.
She doesn’t come to see you or the kids; she comes to audit. That rummaging in drawers? Going upstairs uninvited? Commenting before she even sees the house? That’s intrusion, not concern.

The “wellbeing” angle is manipulation dressed up as maternal care.
It’s classic:

Frame you as incapable

Claim she’s the only one who sees “the truth”

Trigger your self-doubt

Get compliance.

You’re not going insane — she’s trying to drag you back into the role you played as a child: the one who tiptoed around crumbs.

Setting a boundary is not overreacting. It’s overdue.
Telling someone, “If you can’t behave respectfully in my home, you’re not welcome in it,” is normal adult behaviour. And honestly? You’d have been justified saying it years ago.

Honestly,
she doesn’t seem well op. I know it is really annoying but perhaps she doesn’t come anymore AND you understand that she can’t help it but think and say these things?
I am not saying that for her sake, but for yours…

It might well be untrue but in her head it's not.. Your house will never be clean enough.. tidy enough.. and would you want to be cleaning.. tidying.. on an endless day after day spiral!! accept your mother will never see that your house is a relaxed (clean enough) home.. you can drop a crumb leave a paw print on the garden chair (I'd leave that!!) leave toys around and just get on with living not cleaning every speck and tell her if she doesn't see your house is a comfy home she maybe needs to get out and about more... 💖

Excellent post.

When I realised a very similar thing was going on with my M and no matter what I did, it would never be enough and she was going to bad mouth me, it was almost like a lightbulb being switched on.

I felt incredibly free. I didn’t have to do that she said because what she wanted was to completely was for me to completely capitulate to her over everything.

So I stopped trying to please her. I phone her about once a week and at the moment I see her about once every 2 to 3 weeks and that is it. I think she’s just incapable of having any kind of normal relationship.

Your mum sounds unwell, and you have mentioned OCD. Ignore her and reduce contact as much as practical.

You sound like you are under a lot of strain with your recent change in circumstances. You need to take care of yourself. I'm sorry that your dad passed away young and before Christmas time. The same happened to my mum, and it affects her (and us) at Christmas every year. If you can, take time to remember your dad in a joyful positive way at this time, so that the grief and stress don't overwhelm you and negatively impact on your DC.

Regarding Christmas, in your situation, I would plan really magical new traditions with DC that can be done at any time during the holidays (since it sounds like you will be sharing time with them with Ex). These things don't need to be expensive, they just need to be what you guys enjoy - and you don't need extended family there to do them/get in the way. My favourite Christmas thing I do with DC is watch The Grinch animated film, with hot chocs and popcorn on the sofa snuggled under a blanket. We enjoy it more every year, and really look forward to it - kicks off the season for us. I am thinking of introducing a Christmas Spag Bol meal into the mix too. Lovely low stress comforting stuff.

Good luck! I hope things get better soon, and that you have a lovely joyful holiday with DC!

One of the best xmases my Dcs and we had was during lockdown. Having ascertained the fam were all ok, we opted to do the whole day in PJs and make home made pizzas together (it’s is now a NYEve tradition with a tasting competition). We had a shedload of M&D food that we cooked over the proceeding days, but the kids loved the laid back day. Even if yours go to their dads in the evening, they can have an idyllic and chillaxed day with mum.

@ChristPleaseJustStop

Well done OP I am in a similar situation with my mum re; birthday presents.
She will ask me what I want, then get me something completely different, and then complain that I "am so difficult to buy for". I have finally pushed back and the relationship has just disentergrated.

Things have really come to ahead, and I just don't know what to do, as it isn't about the gift, its about the fact she a) won't listen and b) doesn't actually know anything about me other than the fantasy she has in head.

Does she have some kind ofOCD can you encourage her to unfocus on your perceived unmanageable living conditions maybe it’s time for a change in dynamics
and firm boundary setting once you have done this you will be more positive
pit doesn’t have to be inflexible
you can’t change her but you can change your attitude towards her!

Sorry you’re living through this & unfortunately it’s more common than you think. My narcissist mother was just as bad.

Our home was always the place for every event too, including Christmas. Since going no contact with her it’s been wonderful. Enjoy your peace. Start new traditions. Sorry don’t know your kids ages but I asked mine what they wanted to do & Included that in our plans. For the first time since I can remember, I now enjoy Christmas in our relaxed and happy home. Good luck x

Well it might be if someone on here has been there

Encourage her to see her Dr & get assessed for OCD. It does somehow make it all a bit easier if one knows that the bloody annoying person who brings their own crockery to a meal "because you don't have a dishwasher so they're never really clean" is driven by an illness rather than just being a bloody nightmare.
It gets even better if they agree to & comply with competent behavioural therapy.

She's a nutter. Don't let her in again and say it's because you're concerned for her 'wellbeing'.

I think your DM sounds very unwell and as though she's been ill for so long that everyone has normalised her behaviour. I think you could do worse than encourage her to see a doctor - even if she won't, the phrase 'this reaction isn't normal Mum, I think you should see someone' might stop her from constantly repeating that your house is a mess.

I wouldn’t ban her, but I’d purposely leave things out to annoy her and have fun with it 😬😆

My mum was like this. "I've got to say my piece" etc, which was always vitriolic and nasty. I stopped talking to her for 6 months and she hasn't done it again yet. You don't have to listen to it.

I sympathise op. I have a parent just like your mum and it drives me crazy. They live a distance away but when they visit I know about it. My house is clean but is not a show home. I work and have a busy life. It’s her issue not yours!

I have a parent who is controlling, aggressive and who has narcissistic tendencies. He used to walk into my home and start criticising everything, he felt he had that right.

Over the years, I have had to start to treat him like I would any other person. Boundaries are important. I remain kind and polite, but also have learned to say no. Any criticism he has for me, my house, my career, my children (even my dog is too fat apparently haha) is completely ignored and I remain in 'grey rock' mode. The criticism has pretty much stopped now, as there is no agency over me anymore.

As a consequence of his rudeness, he isn't invited over often and is called once a week to check on him. That's it. He is in his 80s now, so I do the right thing to check up on him. He adores my sister and she can do no wrong and knows everything about her life. For me, he just talks about himself the whole conversation and never asks me a thing. I completely accept him for who he is, and his opinions mean zilch. I hope you can get there with your mother and start to put some boundaries in place with her. A good start would be to schedule her visits when they suit you and only allow her to visit once in a while, when it suits you. She feels that she has a lot of control in your life, but once those boundaries are in place (no need to communicate this with her, just do it), things will change.