To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you- your Mum and mine have lots in common- mine always waits until I am almost at breaking point over other things in my life, then she pours on the nonsense about cleaning (or anything) in the end even if EVERYTHING your Mum said was true it's your home and your choice- and absolutely nothing to do with your Mum.
Plan a lovely cosy Christmas with DC, remember to spend the money you save not hosting on treats and presents for you and DC. Good luck-enjoy.

“Mum I suspect you’re actually mentally ill. I don’t want to hear your thoughts about my house ever again. If you mention it once more it’ll be the last time you come here”

and mean it.

you are doing too much for extended family - is it because you are the only one with big and nice house?

I wonder where one is supposed to dry clothes if not on racks. And where do you put all your stuff if you live in a flat like me, but like you, we have a tutor working from home and me, a crafts person, 3 book lovers, one adult who just left but shared the flat with us and now my mum for whom I looked after in the living room - lol

I would have hit her with a frying pan by now. She sounds deranged. Do NOT have her round until she can keep her opinions to herself.

Nip this in the bud, now. NC with her no matter what happened and don't have contact with her side of relatives, you don't owe it to anyone - they are jealous of your home and will want it for themselves - someone mentioned something similar about it few post before me

Because they don't have your standards it doesn't mean their standards are low or did god appoint you as house monitor. Op i would definitely tell your mum before she next comes around that she must not comment on your house..it is your house not her house.

You poor thing, that all sounds so grim, I’m so sorry. No advice but plenty of support. 🫶

You sound really strong and capable, you’ll get through this.

This woman is unwell. I wouldn’t let her in my house😐

I feel you and I hear you. My sister and I are a month into no contact due to a lifetime of emotional, coercive and manipulative behaviour from our mother. Our dad has sided with her and is currently her mouthpiece as she never says anything but makes him do her dirty work. I have blocked them completely but my sister left the WhatsApp channel open. She has had nothing but abuse over a 99p flan tray from home bargains which they bought for her years ago and she never squared up with them. They have even tried emailing our work emails which we have had to come clean to our work about and our situation, something we never wanted to do, in order to have them blocked. It is relentless because they realise they have no control. I’m on a sticky wicket at the moment as I have children and I remember the hurt she caused between me and my beautiful nanna when I was a child. I was stopped seeing her and I used to sneak out. I was punished harshly. My home is always tidy and I came to realise from my own research that it is a direct result of my mother and her standards. If it wasn’t clean there would be consequences so I am basically trained that way, even as an adult. Clean means nobody gets in a mood, nobody gets set off, I don’t get grounded or embarrassed in front of people. I can only relax if all is just right and I never relax because its not achievable. In constant stress and near burnout. You know what you need to do. You’ve said it out loud so to speak. Listen to yourself.

Read the full thread. The house is too big and isolated for you. Sell it and move to a nice little town in a nice semi or a flat like us, find a new partner, meet new friends.

You dodged a bullet there with your mother and her relatives. They were gearing to tear you down to the last yota, take over and perhaps even claim you are not coping with life....

Don't be sorry or miserable, you will be just fine on Christmas

Im sorry you are going through this with your Mum.
Your home sounds lovely and anyway its YOUR home live as you please.
Your Mum sounds very OCD and a bit toxic to be honest. Maybe best to not have her around any more but see her in a neutral place.
She has a mental health issue and really is spoiling your happiness and indeed has your whole life from your description.
Time to set healthy boundaries.
I think you know this really.
A counsellor or a supportive friend will help.
Just because she is your Mum doesn't make her right or you have to live by her unhealthy habits just to please her.
Actually she sounds like a grade 1 Narcassist.

This rings of mental health issue with your mum.
She is probably trying to be caring and helpful (that's probably her intention) so remember that in amongst the understandable hurt/frustration/offense. MH issues in family members is really hard to deal with (my DM had issues too). But she always meant well-albeit sooooooooooooooo annoying/enraging/upsetting at the time.
Parents don't live forever either so don't smash the relationship over this. Just find a way to not let the comments 'land' in you and trigger a reaction if this is possible (I'm not saying it is). And maybe meet her at her house and minimise visits to yours rather than ban her altogether?
Just thoughts..x

It would be, if someone OP knows is on here, who has visited their home

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread her behaviour is truly shocking given what you are trying to handle in life at the moment.

She should be cheerleading you, not putting you down. Maybe read a bit about Narcissists. She will be there writ large.

Don't back down whatever you do. Her behaviour is appalling.

Honestly this is kind of scary to read because it’s exactly something my own (narcissistic) mum could have written. I am now NC with her for things like this and many many other that eventually just became too much for me to manage.

Well done @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread hold your nerve. I bet they all expect you’ll give in and be begging them to host after all - but don’t!

I have had a few christmases on my own and honestly, it’s been so peaceful. I hope things improve for you xx

She obviously has an OCD thing about cleaning. What is she like at other people’s houses? No one is going to match her standards. Tell her it’s better if she doesn’t come to yours as it’s only going to upset her.

Me and dh did this to my mum. Well more dh as I was in hospital.

so mum had got Dd from school as a favour due to me being in hospital. Dd rang me crying saying grandma was going nuts, she’d gone in her bedroom, pulled the bed away from the wall and was hoovering/dusting while screaming about the dusty skirting board. I rang dh and told him to get home and save Dd.

dh got home and told my mum to leave. In all honesty this was the straw which broke the camel’s back, there had been years of negativity and criticism. My mum was never allowed in the house again. I carried on seeing her for a couple of years at her house or coffee shops before calling time on even that and going no contact.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread
Firstly - your mother is a gas lighting, batshit nightmare. All her comments are DESIGNED to destabilise your equilibrium and contentment. She can't help herself and she's compelled to bring you down. She made your childhood miserable so don't let her ruin your adulthood now. If you want to put in boundaries then visit her at her home or meet somewhere neutral so that you can get up and walk away if you need to with a "thanks ,mum - nice seeing you. Be in touch soon".

Secondly - some of the best Christmas' I've had have just been me and my DC on our own on Christmas. I was a single parent until I got together with my LT partner so I've had to share Christmas with the ex but on my days we had so much fun. DC still remember those times with happiness even now. Tell your DC that you're doing it differently this year and make a plan with lots of warmth, lots of love and lots of fun. My partner was a shift worker for a long time so we were on our own for quite a few Christmas Days but we made it fun and when I was on my own (when DC went to see their other parent) I used it as a time to decompress and watch TV. Just because it may be a different Christmas than you usually have, doesn't mean that it will be lonely, boring or awful.

It sounds like your mother is obsessive to the point of mental illness. Being unable to leave the house until you've cleaned all the surfaces you cleaned yesterday is just not normal, ditto making pets eat off tinfoil. See also the total lack of boundaries in your house - I just wouldn't dream of ferreting around the drawers in my children's house when I visit, let alone refolding their clothes.

I'd strongly suggest pushing her to get treatment. I'm sure she won't take your advice, but it might make her think a bit more about keeping her weird views to herself.

@2021x just accept the situation for what it is ie shit. Tell her you don't need anything but if she wants to get you something it's fine. There's no point thinking about what you'd like, she isn't going to get it for you anyway you know that. Then smile and thank her for whatever she got you and drop it to the charity shop at your earliest convenience. That's what I do.

@Ramblingaway there's always the Stately Homes thread if you want more support.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread if I'm alone for Christmas I light candles, put on something cozy and watch Christmas films. I put Christmas music on while I'm doing chores too. And I mainly eat mince pies, snacking all through the day, zero cooking, zero washing up.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread Your mother is unwell and you will be lying in a crumpled pile on the floor long before the ever mends her ways.

Tell her, quite simply, that since the condition of your home quite obviously causes her distress, you think it would be better if you met up elsewhere.

I have similar I am afraid and it’s is absolutely ridiculous. It CAN potentially be channeled into a useful direction out she is wiling to pay for you to have a regular cleaner who will be nice and do whatever you would find helpful. Otherwise intolerable so sorry!!

It sounds like your mum may have OCD.