DH spent £300 on one gift, now I need to equalise it

[Emvid]

DH and I have 3 children, this year they are all bringing their partners to join us for Christmas. I hadn’t really figured out how much I was going to spend on each child or their partners yet but probably not a lot.
This morning DH proudly showed me a vintage football shirt he’s bought for DDs boyfriend, then told me it was £300!
Now I feel compelled to spend at least that much on our children and similar on our DS’s girlfriends so there are no accusations or favouritism. When I suggested DH return it he said no as he wants to give it to DDs boyfriend and if not for Christmas he will just give it to him for the sake of it.
AIBU to be annoyed he spent this much on one gift without consulting me?

So he may well spend more than your DD on the boyfriend?

I am going against the grain here. I would see this as special one off gift and not just a random generic gift, if you are able to buy something unique and individual then I thinks that’s great! If you can afford it then why not? And it doesn’t mean you have to spend the same. Someone else might like something that’s specific to them for £50 then that’s ok cos it’s specifically for them

Would anyone else realise how much the t-shirt cost? If I saw dd giving ds a t-shirt I'd probably assume it cost about £30 max.

We need a realistic Christmas song.

Is it is a collectible football shirt, the price wouldn't be difficult to guess.
Not that it matters.

I don’t think you need to worry about spending the same amount on them. How would they even know how much a vintage football T-shirt is worth anyway? It could have been bought for £50 as far as any of the other partners know.

Would the BF (or any of the others) know it’s worth £300? I don’t think I would. If someone asked me what vintage shirts go for I’d be saying £150ish.

But there is a suggestion in the gift that he likes the lad or that they have some shared interest which the gift reflects. I doubt that anyone else will be jealous
or care about it. In way DH is buying a gift that he might have loved himself
when he was young.

i do see and understand your issue though op.

This! It is a ridiculous amount but why do you need to equalise it? Isn’t it the item itself and the value they’ll get from it that’s important? How will the recipients even know what each gift cost, I’m guessing you won’t be handing it over with the receipt?

I suppose a person could Google it but as for guessing - I'm a footie fan and I had no idea such a thing might cost £300.

Mind, I did once see a Ripoff Britain episode about how many of these supposed 'authentic' items are nothing of the sort and people are paying over the odds for something worth about a tenner...

Tell him it's completely and utterly inappropriate.

It will really embarrass the boyfriend who wouldn't be able to reciprocate to such a generous gift. And more importantly it will really embarrass your daughter who won't be able to compete with such a gift either. It might annoy his parents too who have been made to look tight too. Make sure he knows it will cause a lot of problem if your gift costs less than that of your daughter's boyfriend.

Tell him to send it back or just to put in a drawer and give it to him as a special wedding gift if the day ever comes, at least that way he can put it on EBay it when they split up.

Just to throw in a perspective.

I am an only DD with multiple brothers. My dad often gets little gifts or pays for tickets for a sports game for my DH because they bonded and has done alot more than any of my previous partners put together and I think its cause they share mutual likes and can do things together.

However my dad wouldn't do that kind of thing for any of my brothers wives, in fact I doubt he even knows what gets bought for the wives as gifts.

I see it as a father son type relationship but more friendly, especially as my brothers have moved away

However he wouldn't spend £300 on a single gift, and i wouldn't let him, that is stupid

Fair doesn’t mean the same, it’s the thought behind the gift that makes it equal. Not the monetary amount.

DH is an idiot. Let him find the £1800 to spend on all three kids plus partners.
And then you sued a fiver if each of the grandkids and let him know how what shitty gifts are available for £5

Will anyone else know it was £300, I don't think I would. I'd probably think it wasn't cheap but what is cheap these days?

Sometimes it's about gifting something you know someone will love and wouldn't buy themselves and not about the value. If he were to do this every year it would be an issue, but as a one off I'd let it lie (and let him know that that sort of thing required discussion in future). You don't need to match the value, but probably do need to get a nice, well considered gift. I think these things tend to even out.

Our kids are still children, but I absolutely could see my husband doing this in future 🙃

I meant to ask you earlier whether DH has always been a most thoughtful gift buyer; for example seeking out a novel or LP or piece of jewellery he knew would be exactly what one of your daughters would love when she was 17 and hard to please. ( Obviously I’m recalling my own dad doing that. Golly, some of the books he picked out have remain3d lifelong favourites, gawd bless him!)

I just think it sounds as though this footie top is very much a one-off wild gesture, which makes it all the more startling for you.
Maybe the neatest plan would be presenting it to DBF from the entire family, as a treat you all knew he'd adore. Sort of ‘We are glad you are here, with us all’ thing.
I think having it come solely from his girl’s Pa could be most uncomfortable for him, unless he's been in the family for yonks, or is a very urbane and composed young man.

I love your dd. That a brilliant reply

Your daughters brilliant 😂

Your DH has been ripped off, £300 for a bit of cloth, insane!

That's nuts.🤯

I only have one child so perhaps I don't really know what I'm talking about - but it doesn't seem essential to me to spend the same amount on each. The shirt is I assume a rare item it was hard to get hold of - a sort of special, once in a lifetime gift this guy will be absolutely thrilled with (at least one hopes so).

It's not realistic to find something so special this year for each of them, and also not necessary I don't think? Another year you might happen upon something perfect for one of the others, and so on....

I do have a brother and I have never even considered for a second how much mom and dad spend on us, and whether it's equivalent. In fact I strongly suspect it isn't. One year they got my brother a laptop because he needed one, that would have cost way more than the usual clothes/books mom gets me.

This year she is getting me a phone, because everyone in the family is frustrated by my shitty phone with it's crap camera that takes awful pictures. I don't even especially want the phone, but DD, DM, probably even DB, strongly want me to have one, and it IS very generous of them, so....

My point is, some years I need something special so they spend more on me, sometimes it's the other way round, other years we both just get more everyday gifts - we just don't compare, especially in terms of cost.

Plus, will your kids and their partners even know how much the shirt cost?

Why don't you just buy them all something you think they will really like, without worrying about the cost (as long as you stay within your overall budget of course) ? As long as nobody is just given a chocolate orange - everyone gets a decent, thoughtful gift - it's not about the money.

Have read the thread. Genuinely intrigued that even people with a 300k income wouldn't consider buying a gift like this. I wonder whether it's the actual item, who it's for or the value itself that's disagreeable. I suppose it might depend how many kids you have or whether gift giving really does it for you (assuming it might not be solely the value or at that income you may well be spending money but not calling it a "gift"). I've certainly been at the receiving end of very generous presents as a partner (but that's because the family used to buy big value presents in general). At the time my partner (who earned a LOT more than me - as did everyone else in the family) happily bought the bulk of the return gifts so it wasn't too awkward. That was just how it was. It made them happy. That said, if it isn't the norm and it's a one off then it might throw the vibe of the day off a bit. Glad he's decided to let DD have it for a different present. Assume he wasn't really into figuring out how to drop £300 on everyone?! 😂

He bought it for himself - he is hoping you and dd will persuade him not to gift it!

But you are assuming they have separate money? That would be strange