Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

I’m genuinely surprised at some of the responses. You don’t see each other during the week because he’s chosen to set up a business and work long hours. When you are together at weekends, he’s often on his laptop and rare date nights are awkward due to the lack of interaction/connection between.

It’s not about the lack of notes/texts. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your husband to acknowledge your existence. To feel seen. Otherwise what is the point of being married and living together?

Not sure why some think you should be grateful for a husband that largely ignores you most of the time. Will he also be absent during the child rearing stage? It sounds pretty lonely.

It does feel mismatched given you want more emotional connection & he just wants more sex. You need to think about if you can be happy with the existing setup or need to leave.

I'm going to be blunt.

There are pages of you "trying", he is not interested in changing the status quo - he likes it like this.

A clueless but willing guy whose wife asked for marriage counselling less than 2 yrs after marriage would be scrambling to meet you halfway ....Your dh wont put in minimal effort...

Love hearts and cookies are just the symptom so dont get too focused on it. He is a workaholic and ypu feel unseen and disconnected - thats the issue.

Raise it in therapy but really the options are accept it or leave.
Given you want kids i would be looking to leave asap. If he can show meaningful change during the separatiob process i'd agree to reconcile.

I am one of those people jumping in.

I think someone who works virtually 24/7 is doing something far more meaningful for the relationship (and the community) than leaving a stupid sticky note.

I don't think a therapist should be working with or taking money from a couple where both of them aren't committed to being in therapy or working towards a shared goal. It doesn't sound to me as though he wants to be there at all.

This. I had a hugely demanding job involving multiple days in court, client meetings etc and preparing complex paperwork. I loved my husband but couldn't 'connect' during the day. Tbh sometimes it's a case of not being able to find mental space during the working day.

She hasn’t asked him to start leaving notes- that one of the things she does to show appreciation.
He does nothing… All she is asking for is for him to show affection or appreciation in some way. A text to say he’s thinking of her, a foot rub, cooking her favourite food - it’s not a high bar!
I came home after a very busy and tiring day yesterday- my DP had bought me a bar of my fave chocolate and had switched on the heated throw on the sofa so it was already warm when I got in. Oh - and put my pjs on the radiator so they were nice and toasty too.
Whats he bringing to the relationship?

It's clearly not more meaningful for the relationship of one of the two people in the relationship is completely unfulfilled. She's not a vessel for the community, she is in a marriage.

Apparently expecting anything of a man is too high a bar.

If you didn’t see your wife or husband during the work week, how would you find ways to connect when you are two ships in the night? I’m getting stick for what I do as annoying but I’m very open to suggestions.

People have ran with the soppy note thing but it’s only one way I try to show him I love him and he means something to me. I will:

• cook his favourite meals
• make turmeric and ginger shots
• iron the odd shirt
• bake him sweet treats/protein balls
• leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
• bring him coffee in the morning
• make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
• i share links to events I know he will like/book them
• I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
• buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
• i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

I don't really get anything in return. Im not a mushy person at all. I just am trying to have a connection with my husband.

Out marriage is clearly not doing well right now. And I’m basically just pleading with dh to engage. I want to be married to him. I don’t want a divorce. But this is getting absurd.

How? Why bother be in a relationship if you have no time or energy to commit to it? Sounds like he’s using her so he doesn’t have to bother with cooking and cleaning for himself- and a bit of sex thrown in. I don’t want to be left the dregs of someone who’s giving his all to “ the community “.
I say this as someone with a really demanding and busy job - doesn’t mean I get to check out from my relationship.

I rarely think of my DH when i'm at work cos I'm too busy but we've been married 25 years. He'd say the same, no doubt. My DH is not at all selfish. He probably does more things for me than I do for him actually, but it doesn't involve love notes or "I love you" texts all the time. Most men show their love and care in other ways. Bringing you up a cup of tea in bed on a weekend morning. Getting up with the kids so you can have a lie in cos you're feeling a bit off colour, or have a bit of a hangover, even though it's your "turn" to get up. Offering to cook your favourite meal even though he's not particularly fond of it. Offering to drive to a family party (your relatives) so you can have a drink, even though he doesn't really want to go to Great Auntie Nellie's 80th. Letting you wear his gloves if you're out on a hike because you forgot yours. My husband has done all of these. He had a job with similar hours for most of his career, has only changed to mainly WFH 2 years ago.

We thought about each other all the time during the first few months of our relationship, as that's just nature doing its thing. But I don't think people who feel secure in themselves feel the need to constantly think about the other person all the time, and need constant reaffirmation of their love, once that stage is over. It just comes across as needy and insecure behaviour.

In fact the only women I've known to expect their husband to phone or text them through the day while at work have ended up divorced. It's not a healthy way to live.

I didn’t read about the lack of connection as I have not rtft so thank you for that.

I would say however that op may have known what she was getting into - or should have. These sorts of things should be talked through before marriage. This is not one-sided. She must accept responsibility for her part. We women are not and should not be passively waiting for a man’s affection. If it isn’t his style she chose the wrong man for her.

I must also say that I would be really pissed off if I was exhausted and got on my computer as a way of debriefing after working long hours - and someone was grumpy with me because I did not leave them notes. Her style of expressing affection(baking banana bread etc) isn’t that great either tbh. Love is much much more than that. It is in some ways about navigating the boredom of everyday life.

if they have a baby and all that entails let’s see if op continues with the love notes and banana bread…

Exactly. They've been married for two years and spending time together feels awkward. That's no way to live but she's being unreasonable?!

I doubt this will improve - fast forward 10 years - without that romantic connection - where do you think you'll be then if you remain where you are ? After just two years of "wedded bliss"if you have to spell it out with immature notes rather than feelings behind actions expressed by him,you're onto a loser

Oh FFS. So in return for him not showing any affection or any thoughtfulness or connection to the relationship she should just shut up and shag him?
That’s outrageous. OP - you’re worth more than being his housekeeper sex doll.

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time here, OP. You've made it clear that you aren't expecting your DH to mirror what you do, with notes, treats etc. From the sounds of things, if you were both working regular hours and able to regularly connect in the morning and evening, this would be a non-issue.

What you are saying is that due to your DH's working hours you literally do not see each other for days at a time. And that your DH is making zero effort to check in with you or even acknowledge you exist AT ALL during that time. I honestly don't think that is normal and you are not being "needy" to expect the occasional text FFS!

The things you've listed that you and your husband do for each other is basically what the OP is asking for from her husband. I don't know why people are focusing in on texts and notes when the fact that she is getting nothing from him along the lines of what you have outlined as apparently necessary for your own martial connection, so she's asking for a text because she's not getting anything else. She just wants something.

The weird responses to wanting a romantic connection with your husband feels very strange and cold. And explains a lot about a lot of aspects of Mumsnet.

Oh and actually, if I was working very long and unsociable hours in a stressful job so that my other half didn't have to, and came home to my other half complaining that they didn't feel loved, I'd feel pissed off. They could quite rightly claim that they didn't feel we spent enoguh time together, or they felt lonely or whatever, but "don't feel loved" isn't great if all the money for the hours I'm working goes to family costs.

You also both don't sound mature enough to have got married how long were you dating beforehand? There is a mismatch somewhere what's the sex life and affection ratio like

But the OP’s husband isn’t doing anything to show he cares. He largely ignores her. I don’t think occasionally carrying heavy shopping bags or ordering a taxi compensates for ignoring her all week.

She does work. Which has been pointed multiple times. But people who don't are still allowed to expect more than absence and silence in their relationships.

I could say that posts like yours show people who have been brainwashed by ideas of romance. But I won’t say it because it’s rude to make blanket statements about people who express their personal views, isn’t it?

we see the therapist every other week. It’s been 10 days since our last session

I hear you re connection. Connection is important. Big or small. Notes are just an example. What does your husband think about all the little ways you have listed as ways you try to connect with him? Does he appreciate coffee in bed, notes, favourite beers etc?

As a couple, it sounds like you both work really hard. Relationships need work too, and commitment. You both have needs and neither more important than the others or should be discounted. Feeling cherished is lovely, it can cost nothing and be as simple as a text, note or snuggly cuddle. It may not be important or a priority to him but it is to you.