Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Why the fuck do people still not at least read the posts of the OP even if they can't be bothered to rtfr.

I couldn't give a monkeys what you say in all honesty.

What family costs? There’s no kids, she works full time. He’s not “providing” out of necessity, he chooses to work these hours and have minimal interaction with her. She’s not obliged to be grateful.

You've told him what you need/ want. He's choosing not to give you that for whatever reason. Now, you need to decide if your prepared with someone who chooses not to meet your needs once you've expressed them.

I certainly wouldn't add kids to this equation. You will have to sacrifice everything and raise children alone while he works and ignores your needs. At least at the moment you have a job, income, independence and pension.

Ignore people saying your needy. We all have needs and wants. In the grap scheme of things a text thiningbif you a few times a week is very low effort. Your H must get breaks, he must eat, use the loo, have journey time. He can take 10 seconds to rest you. He chooses not to.

"Counsellor suggesting daftness like this" as you suggest - yes I think you might be onto something there and The "customer" is paying them how much to do this Whilst all along knowing what the real potential problem is and not getting to the nub of it??

I agree with this. When I’m at work I’m charging around a secondary school, my husband barely gets a thought, and that’s ok. I do agree he needs to come up with other ideas to show you he appreciates you, but to be honest I’m not sure it’s going to be at the level you’re hoping for.

you need to decide if this is fixable, and if not, how long you're willing to be housemates with a man who is meant to love you.

To show you how stark this is for you. I've been divorced from my ExH for 8 years, but this last month so far he has text me 3-4 times daily. He's told me how much he appreciates how well i've raised our kids, and the work i put in with them, how grateful he is for some help i gave him, several were links to things he might help with my disability/pain levels, or stuff that would make me laugh, or be good for xmas for the kids. I get them on every break, lunchtime and evening when he's sat watching TV. (yes it does sometimes annoy me, but he is who he is)

My best male friend talks to me through out the day over text/messenger as well, photos, memes, stupid jokes, he check in on me.

If my ex-husband, a man i left because he's an arsehole at times can give me some mental thought enough to text me, your actual DH has no sodding excuses.

The phrase 'if he wanted to, he would' is the one you need to keep in mind here.

Oh, OP. This is tough. But for a lot of men, out of sight is just out of mind. His job is more important to him than his relationship, and he expects you to be just fine with that. In his head, women are there for when men need them, and when men don't need them, they should just disappear into the background and not place any demands.

The fact that you're in therapy and he still doesn't make an effort does not bode well for your future. If you think it's bad now, wait until you have kids.

I do really feel for you. I think you are getting a hard time and I’m one of those that jumped in perhaps not realising the full extent of your loneliness within your marriage.

I can totally understand you not wanting a Divorce but if he’s not willing to change at all I think it may be your only option.

I’m a good few years older two things are very apparent to me. Men dont suddenly get more loving along the way. If it isn’t there now I think this is how it’s going to be.

The other things is, this is usually the best time. You’re both young and don’t have DC and presumably no money worries? You should be having a blast.

Not seeing one another for days, not having sex and not being fully present when he is with you at this stage isn’t good. If he’s like this in his 30s it’s going to be bloody awful in your 50s and beyond. I’m sorry, you probably don’t what to hear any of that avd you do have my total sympathy

I think you just need to bring all this up at your next therapy session.

State that you both agreed there was a disconnect between you and that he had agreed to try and close that gap with connection, in the form of texts, voice notes, conversation and acts of love but he’s done none of that.

So now, not only is there the disconnect, there’s the sense that he’s lied to you (said that he’d do something and didn’t) and also his rejection of what your relationship needs to work, even though it’s been spelt out to him what he has to do to “fix” it, he can’t be bothered.

Don’t have kids with this man; if he can’t even text you hello, he’s clearly going to be an absent father.

It seems like you’re flogging a dead horse here to be honest 🤷‍♀️

Ok so you want to be married,you don't want a divorce,so all you can do is say to him at the next therapy session that he is not showing you he loves,cares or appreciates you and he has to make the effort.You can set a time scale to your self of how long you will give him to do this.Do not tell him that.Just see if he changes .I hope he does.If he doesn't then you need to ask yourself if you can live feeling like this for years.

Were you together long before you married? It feels to me that you are still trying to maintain the first romantic flush and he is past that.
Everything you say about him is positive except for him making contact while he's at work. I suspect he sees that as you being needy and you see it as him not caring. The answer is probably in the middle.
I cannot imagine he will change and you each have different expectations from marriage.
The grass isn't always greener though.

My colleague at work was like this. Guy just full on working nonstop. Addicted to his job. Also self employed. She left! He got some shock. Woke him up and then he engaged with counselling etc. She wasn't going back until there was significant change. Now things are much better and they have two children. Leaving was the only thing that worked.
Don't remind him of the homework. Let him go back into the counselling and explain himself.

I have done as you suggest and it hasn’t made a blind bit of difference to me. Some observations:

DH has agreed to attend counselling which is good given that op and him are so busy. So this suggests his intention or desire for this to work.

I feel that op should have counselling on her own to work out many things: why she married such a man being one of them because from what I have read I think the problem ultimately lies within Op herself.

Another vote for doing the 5 love languages quiz.
Mine is quality time, DH is acts of service which was quite low on my list so I have to make a conscious effort to do things for him so he feels loved.
I also know that him cooking a meal, doing the washing and ironing- all the practical day to day stuff , is his way of showing he loves me. He would never write a note, buy flowers or say he loves me because gifts and words of affirmation are not his love languages.
We often go out for breakfast together which is our quality time.
We’ve been married almost 30 years. 🙂

It’s not the fact he’s not doing the notes. It’s the fact he’s not doing the homework that was set to better your relationship, which shows he doesn’t care. If he did care and wanted to make an effort to improve things, he’d do the homework, no matter what it was. If you have a problem with that, leave him. He sounds like a twat

I agree. If the homework wasn’t possible or realistic he should have said ‘I won’t have time to do that, let’s think of something else that can make her feel loved that I can do’ in the therapy session. He just doesn’t care. Op is flogging a dead horse and should find someone nicer while she is still young and it’s easier.

I’d just be giving him space to focus on work, letting him know I’m around if he needs anything and then focus on spending quality time together on the weekends.

I'd be really tempted at the next session not to initiate anything. Just say: I want to hear from DH how he feels about me and our marriage. Then say nothing. See how it goes.

My guess is that he is one of those men who thinks (maybe subconsciously) Right. Married now. Tick. Done. Got a Wife. Without realising that continued effort needs to be put into the relationship for it to thrive. He's 'got the wife' and is now focused on 'getting the career'. He needs to find a better work life balance. Not sure if you have said what he does - obviously some careers are very hard indeed to scale back for a long time when starting out - medicine, law, setting up your own business etc. But what matters is that the time you do have is good quality.

If you had really excellent weekends together, would you feel more comfortable during the week focusing on yourself - your health, your plans, and trusting that although his head is elsewhere when he works, he loves you and is in this for the long haul?

Can you chat about really enjoying weekends - maybe spend an hour together on Saturday mornings looking at what is on in the next few months and booking some shows and gigs or events, or days out or weekends away so there is always something to look forward to.

Do not have children with a man who thinks earning money excuses him from every other responsibility in life and expect anything but years of solo parenting.

I only see my DH at the weekends and then we don't really have quality time as there's always so much that needs done.

We talk three times a day and video call at night. At weekends, we touch feet in bed as we're both exhausted and cuddling makes us too hot, but that's an easy way to connect. I used to write notes and hide it in his lunch. He used to make me a coffee and leave it for me to reheat when I woke up. I get you. It's just the little things.

How are things when you're in the same room? Do youse sit near eachother? Do youse ever have physical touch without it being intimate/initiating of sex? You don't feel seen. Ofcourse it can have a massive impact. What human contact do you have with eachother at the weekends? Sometimes little physical touch can help the connection. If you asked him for a cuddle, how would he react and how does it make you feel?

Sounds like he is busy with work and exhausted and probably genuinely not fussed by some of the things you choose to do for him. You think they are sweet but he sounds genuinely distracted with work things. Does he see that he will be working at this level long term. If it was short term I would be ok with it.

Has your therapist discussed what love languages are and what the different types are? It sounds like you aren’t connecting with how each other feels appreciated and respected. The small acts of kindness (notes, coffees etc) are probably how you want to be appreciated but are they how he wants to be appreciated?

And have you spelled out exactly the ways you want to be appreciated? (that he can actually manage with his work hours).

E.g. Me and DH don’t bother with gifts for each other at all because gift giving isn’t either of our love languages.

Okay…if I am honest I don’t think I would do the homework either. I would also feel that I was being forced to do something. I hate that feeling of being controlled or told what to do. I know the intention of the homework isn’t quite that, but that is how I would feel.

I am quite a bit older than op however. I understand that these things really matter to younger women.