Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

OP, your posts feel all I, me, I, me, I, me. What you do and what you want. Nobody seems to have asked him what he wants. ..and then you drop into the mix he'd like you to initiate intimacy but you brush that off as another matter
It's quite likely he doesn't give a stuff about cutesy little notes, contrived brekkies, and heart shaped coffees.
Perhaps he just wants to wake up sometimes on a non working day to someone getting cuddly and intimate with him to let him know he is loved and his wife finds him sexy.
Pop that idea in your homework bag and see if that feels better and gets a better response from him. Instead of suffocating him with cutesy trivia ask him what he wants and give him that for a while before finding a way to BOTH express you love/affection for each other.
And please don't bring a child into the mix until you understand each other.

I work full time and don’t text or think about my husband throughout the day at all. Or anyone else ( even my children, shock horror) never text anyone and fully emersed in work.

I would find the constant notes and expected reciprocation nauseating. Every note you leave is expecting a response, this is for your benefit only, not his. Love it so much more than heart shaped mugs and cookies, did you grow up watching a lot of rom coms and Disney?

he engages you in intelligent conversations and debate topics, talk about the future, values your opinion. These are all great strengths to equalise and show he sees you as equal, but you see him as inferior to your post it note love.

Id know what I’d prefer

You are making him the problem and it sounds like you’ve found a therapist who agrees with you.

Some men, also some women can only show affection/ emotional connection via sex . They just do not want to or even think about romanticism because it's not in their nature. Is it the case that you and husband are on very different wavelengths ?

The little gestures wouldn’t matter if you felt connected to him. You both have a punishing work schedule, what are you working for if you have no time to enjoy life and your relationship. I think the therapist is dealing with the superficial (notes and flowers) instead of doing the harder work to explore what’s underlying the lack of connection.

I’ve had times where I’ve worked away from home and still maintained connection with my DH. It sounds like you’re leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to get him to notice you, and then being upset when that isn’t reciprocated. The gifts are a symptom of deeper disconnect, not the cure. I’d be going back to therapy and start talking - not about you leaving love notes - but when and how you both lost the connection.

Totally snorted reading that. 😆

OP, try dropping the rope for a bit, see how that works.

Friends husband NHS worked crazy hours to become a consultant, he said that the hours would improve. They haven't. I don't know how she sticks it except she goes home to mums with the kids a lot.

My idea of hell.

You are just going to accept that he has no intention of saving his marriage. He has checked out already. He probably resents going to the guidance councillor. Not doing the homework is his way of sending you a very clear message.

It sounds like he compartmentalises. So the working week is for work. He doesn’t let anything else enter his head. When I had a very demanding job, I was like that too.

But it sounds like you spend a lot of time together at the weekends and he is generally kind and treats you well from what you say about him being chivalrous and putting you first.

You do seem a bit needy. To be honest, I wouldn’t want my DH leaving me love notes etc just because a therapist told him to.

I'd be concerned about a therapeutic situation where the counsellor seems to have decided that this is all on the husband to resolve.

In my experience as a therapist (though admittedly not a couples therapist), if someone doesn’t do their “homework” it’s very often because the therapist has missed the mark. It sounds like he has been set a behavioural exercise that is superficial and doesn’t really go to the heart of what makes a relationship have the best chance long term, shared values. I’m not calling your needs superficial BTW OP, it’s more a criticism of the homework. Relationships change, positively and negatively over time. There’s probably a disconcerting amount of sheer luck in a long marriage that survives but the ones that seem to survive (anecdotally) have shared core values; not shared goals for 2026, not identical opinions but a shared understanding about what is really important to ourselves and to the other.

It’s not my training but there is a therapeutic approach called ACT which is among other things a sensible and pragmatic approach to understanding what drives you. I suppose I’m wondering if you’ve hit a difficult phase rather than an end and the wrong measures are being used to decide if it can work? Obviously I don’t know what else you have discussed with the therapist. I hope you find a solution 💐

Just read the thread, won't you? before writing unhelpful comments. She does work.

Oh and what the future with a workaholic can look like?

My neighbour married one, he had his own small business.
He worked 6 days a week.
He played golf on Sundays to relax and was around sunday evening for a few hours.
That was it.
She worked as a teacher and raised their 3 boys.
It was her that took them to practice during the week and all matches.

She retired at 60 and has been enjoying her retirement, holidaying away for months at a time with family in Australia.

He continued to run his business until he had a stroke which has incapacitated him.
He is now in a home.

She wouldn't contemplate having him back into the family home to be cared for, as they had been living as a house share for decades.
She had back issues and the story was she wouldn't manage him.

She sold the home and business and he is in an excellent assisted living place.
They remain married but completely separated.
She felt sorry for him of course but he chose himself and his business years ago and left her too it.
She is very grateful she never gave up teaching and remained financially independent.

She loves her sons, but bitterly regrets the marriage.

Your posts are really sad to read OP. You're newly weds and you're already getting outside help because things aren't right. You may love him, but you aren't compatible with him. If he's this self absorbed and career focused now, that will never change and you can't bring children into this.

I think you need to take this one on the chin and walk away while you can. You need to love yourself more than you love him because it's a one way street and you are always going to feel like this. Be strong.

Given that you're out of the house for nearly 11 hours a day and he for longer, do not get a dog. You won't have time for it.

Therapists setting homework has many facets

it is initially a test of “buy in”
is the person willing / able to do something other than turn up and hope to be fixed
will they prioritise thinking about their session, between sessions ?
will they try to do things differently ??
are they willing to learn about their problem
i.e. engage actively with the therapy ??(

no homework completed often means therapy will be ineffective - as you can not ‘do therapy’ to someone
it has to be a collaborative process -
and this DH isn’t ’buying In” which suggests to me, he doesn’t see that HE is the problem !!

From what I can see here, your DH is in a busy period of his career when he is building his practice. He seems to be a bit of a workaholic. In and of itself this isn’t an issue if you are on board - ie if you’ve discussed that this is a temporary phase, if you take time out together (weekends away, pre-arranged nights out etc). But if he isn’t on the same page as you on this I would say that, sadly, he just wasn’t ready to get married at this stage of his career/business building and that, for him, that is his priority. Not you.

I’d say you have have limited choices:

1. you accept this is where you are and agree to take time out together until his practice is where it needs to be an he can prioritise you more (ie you accept/agree it is temporary)
2. you agree this is where you are and that it doesn’t suit your needs - and divorce him (ie, you accept things will not change).

If you were/are planning to have children together, the status quo is less than ideal and if you hang in there until ‘it gets better’ you could be left raising children on your own or deferring children only to find yourself divorced in the future and unable to conceive, due to your age. He seems ‘emotionally unavailable’ for whatever reason and you have to ask yourself whether this is the person you would want to parent children with, even if you personally could come to terms with a relationship that is very one sided.

I’d bin the couples counselling and have some one-to-ones to work out precisely what you want out of life. My gut feeling is that this is not what your relationship is currently offering and that you may be better walking away.

What did he used to do that helped you feel connected as even though he wasn't as busy, presumably you were both still working? You're not asking for much and I don't think you sound needy, you want to connect with the person you married as it is missing from your relationship. It's common for men to stop trying once they're married but that doesn't mean you just need to accept a lack of connection. You feel like flatmates and you're trying to fix it now instewd of waiting two decades. It sounds like you genuinely love him.

I don't really buy 'love language' stuff personally. We meet people we're compatible with and feel connected to and then we either maintain that or don't. We generally know what we're getting when we marry and it's ok to not accept connection dropping off the radar.

I think you have incompatible ways of showing love. Can you not think of 5 things he has done which may not be notes but could be a hug/kiss, an offer to arrange a date? The things you have done which while they are obviously things you appreciate like buying biscuits or writing notes they would seem a bit cringey to me and luckily my DH would not appreciate them either so he does not miss me not doing this. He appreciates when I cook him a nice meal or pick him up a new shirt or book tickets for a comedian he likes and a hug or kiss will usually get him on board with anything. He does like your husband does and offers me a seat, opens doors for me, respects my opinion and makes an effort to spend time with me and yes buy the odd bunch of flowers. Does your husband hug or kiss you or is there no tactile communications any more?

If he is not making an effort now before you have kids then I would question whether you are compatible long term. Was he better before you got married?

You need to live in the adult world- the way you’re speaking is that you want teenage love. Putting hot drinks in a heart shaped mug to show how much you love him and wanting him to do the same??? He’s a grown up who works extremely long hours. Not everyone lives on their phone and feels a connection to people by texting- why would he send a text to you on his break saying he’s thinking about you when it’s just words - do you want him to send it to you regardless if he actually is or not???

I think you’re expecting too much, but the sad thing is there is likely someone out there who matches your energy and you have marrried someone who doesn't. Divorce or compromise because you are trying to change him as a person instead of being happy with how he operates and who he is

You’re so flowery. ‘Welcoming dogs’. Heart shaped mugs. Posh Jam.

It’s all so twee! I think you have a romanticised view of the world.

Im surprised the therapist hasn’t taken him into account.

My marriage to an undemonstrative man did last 15 years but it was a marriage at times of loneliness, insecurity and indefidelities on both sides.Like I mentioned on an earlier post we were not emotionally compatible but we had shared values and enjoyed travelling and theatre and walking.I already had a son from previous relationship,he had none and didn't want any,so that wasn't an issue.
You want more than he seems able to give you.

@Borae Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage for some reason. Any ideas why? Is it possible he's met someone else?

I understand what you mean. Its not about love notes. Its about togetherness. That you share this life together. That you are each others first person to call/text/speak to when something happens or interests you. Its about inside jokes, shared vision, things to look forward to together.

Don't have a baby with him before you know for sure whats going on. Baby will not bring you closer. Baby would make you feel even lonelier.

I agree with this. Some marriage counsellors are dreadful, you need to be careful.

We saw one many years ago. We had an issue about extended family members where we just didn’t see eye to eye and it was causing issues in our marriage. We went to see someone for 3 sessions and all the therapist did was ask us what our individual thoughts were about the issue. So we just repeated the arguments we were having at home. He didn’t provide any insights or methods for conflict resolution. Just sat there and listened to us argue. After the 3rd session he emailed both of us advising that we get divorced!

It did help us in a way as we joined forces against the therapist and jointly emailed him to say what a ridiculous suggestion his was and that he should find another career!

I’m out the house from 7:30am to 6pm most days. Later if I go to the gym. I accept we are in a busy stage of life but I see no attempts from husband to alleviate the situation.

Sorry I hadn’t seen the bit where you said that you worked, nor had I realised that you don’t actually see one another during the week.

I think in your situation a text from him would be expected. It’s not going to take him long and he know’s how much it means to you.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you want DC with him. From what you’re saying he isn’t going to see you or any DC during the week and everything is going to fall on you.

Babies are hard but the stage I actually found the hardest wirh DC2 was 13 to 16. I think if DH hadn’t been doing a huge chunk of the parenting things would have possibly gone very differently for both of us and possibly DC2.

From what you’re saying he isn’t even fully present when he’s with you for a lot of the time?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're looking for or the way you show your husband you're thinking of him OP. Absolutely nothing.