Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

i Know you have taken vows etc but you are SO young op you can have so so so much fun being single, dating, doing hobbies etc and find a man who actually wants to connect and speak with you without it having to be a homework task for him! Please consider leaving him!
or at least pour the energy you’re spending worrying about him, caring for him and doing stuff for him into your self to build up your confidence. You’ll find it much easier to start again than in late 30s and you’ve got loads of time now to have kids elsewhere if you want to. Life is too short for this kind of husband at any age but especially not at your age!

Christ please don't get a dog if he's out until midnight and you're out 7.30 until 6. If you have a baby you will also be doing all the parenting

Op. I used to believe his own hype with my dh's job (hes a doctor). All this im so busy, I dont get time to do xyz.
Then i worked in his surgery and saw the other male partners get thoughtful presents for their wife,arrange nights out. They were all working the same hours

Then I realised, if he wanted to, he would. He doesnt want to do the nice things with me.

I understand OP.

Whilst I will send a text or cook something nice, DH will do things like fill the car up with petrol the day before I have a long drive (frequent for my work unfortunately!) or run me a bath for when I get in if I have had an unusually long day. These small things matter but everyone shows them in different ways and crucially they are just not important to some people.

If small acts of consideration are important to you but not your husband then one of you needs to change your expectations as you’re just not compatible without that change.

Actually, I wouldn’t be so sure that it’s not forever. Workaholism is like any other addiction except that you earn money rather than spend it. He could work long hours for the rest of his working life & either not retire, or retire & not know what to do with himself. Have you asked him why he works such long hours? I.e. what’s it all for?

She's already said she works, smart arse

I would bet my bottom dollar that the reason things are intense and awkward at weekends is that OP is either (a) already pissed off that her DH hasn’t been texting her while at work or (b) is waiting for reciprocation to materialise in an obviously expectant way.

Ie her belief that he’s not doing enough then dominates and ruins the mood of the little time they do have together. Constantly.

Either they’re genuinely not compatible or OP (possibly with the help of her therapist) is ruining her own marriage with unrealistic expectations of how marriages usually work.

OP, this is who he is.
Men don't change, they are largely incapable of sustaining it.
You have to decide is this the marriage you are going to settle for.

So many women settle thinking change is possible and end up hugely disappointed and STUCK because they went ahead with children.

You will bitterly regret children in a marriage like this where you are already so unfulfilled and dissatisfied.

Get some therapy for yourself to figure out you.
He's clearly not interested in making it work.
Work and his practice is his priority.

Men often go all out to get the wife they want but will revert to their workaholic state, mask gone, when they have the partner in the bag.
Having children with them is really lonely and obviously it will be you are your career that will juggle children, not his.

Reducing your hours is what many women do, taking the huge financial hit to earnings and persion.
A disaster long term.

I think you have a lot bigger things to focus on than little gestures to be honest, it seems you are on two different pages regarding the whole relationship and future.

You don’t sound compatible.

You mentioned he said he is not happy that you don't initiate intimacy anymore,do you think his emotional withdrawal is a form of passive aggressive punishment for this? You don't want to get into years of mind games.

The only thing he has ever brought up is my lack of initiating intimacy these days.

Ah yes. I don't have time for any meaningful connection but I still expect you to put out so that I can get my end away.

We used to be very physical but that has definitely taken a step back. I have absolutely no impulse to initiate like I used to as I feel like he’s not doing his bit.

You say that he works extremely long hours and will often come home at midnight.

There is a strong chance that this is a case of cherchez la femme (or l'homme).

The only thing he has ever brought up is my lack of initiating intimacy these days. That’s a separate matter.

It's clearly not a separate matter! Earlier you said
I have absolutely no impulse to initiate like I used to as I feel like he’s not doing his bit.

You're expecting him to change and do something that isn't coming naturally to him. But when he has asked something of you, it's irrelevant, and something you don't want to or should not have to do. I'm still seeing this as very one-sided where you are pushing 100% of the responsibility to improve things in the relationship on him.

@Borae

IMHO, it's not actually the little notes themselves that matter. We can deal with someone who speaks a different love language without changing their language. We do so by learning to appreciate it, seeing behind their gestures/methods to the emotion powering them. When you start with appreciation of theirs, it often leads to them appreciating yours.

He's not taking your counseling sessions seriously, that's the real issue. To me that means he doesn't think your marriage matters enough to complete his 'homework' or to at least explain honestly to the counselor why he feels it's not necessary.

I'm not saying LTB now. I'm just saying that what needs to be focused on in counseling isn't him being given 'homework', it's whether nor not he is taking counseling seriously. Does he think things are just fine as they are or does he really not care about the marriage all that much in the first place.

You've only been married 2 years, time to reevaluate whether or not this is what either of you really wants.

@Borae It sounds like it's dead in the water. Move on while you're young enough to meet someone else to have children with.

A good, happy marriage that lasts the test of time won't be this difficult this early on. Divorce is on the cards. If I were you I'd get out now while you've only wasted a few years, there are no dependents and you've time to start over.

Op you can say I want intimacy too, like conversation, eye contact, acknowledgment I have a heart and feelings not just a body

@Borae what is his parents’ relationship like? Is his Mum in a ‘housekeeper’ role with Dad ‘breadwinner’? If so then that’s his normal. My older parents on the other hand has a very equal relationship, yes Dad was out more but Mum did his business accounts. They had a relationship that was what I aspire to even now (notes and small gifts, lively conversation and spending down time together).

I think it's a shame the therapist has pushed your DH to do these things. They are clearly not his way of showing affection or love. You have mentioned many things that he does to show he cares for you and he is obviously working hard so that is another way to show you he cares about your future. It's not that he doesn't care about you he just shows he cares differently - he is not wrong, neither of you are but your expectations are unhealthy.

I think you are being too needy and suggest it is you who should be focusing on therapy as an individual and not couples therapy. You have some issues that you could talk through to help you to see that you are being unreasonable. Leaving notes and buying biscuits that you like are all nice gestures, if you like that sort of thing, but for some people, like your DH they are just not in his vocabulary. Your expectations to get him to do something that doesn't come naturally to him will only cause you more problems.

Listen to these wise words op

How long has it been since the therapy session where the therapist suggested and your husband agreed to find ways to connect? When is the next session?

Since he said he'd come up with his own ideas (instead of using the specific suggestion of texts), is it possible that your H interpreted the "homework" assignment as "brainstorm possible ways to connect and we'll discuss them at the next session" rather than "decide what to do and start doing it now, report back at next session"? If this is the case, your asking him about it between sessions may seem like pressuring or nagging to him, especially if he already has the idea that he is somehow significantly "busier" than you overall.

If he's freely agreed to therapy and seems to participate constructively in the actual sessions but doesn't really take what's been learned in therapy and apply it to make everyday life better, maybe he's putting TOO MUCH stock in the authority of the therapist or process of therapy and underestimating the work each of you need to do to apply the lessons of therapy to everyday life? If he refuses to talk about it, I'd bring up the topic of THAT disconnect at the next therapy session so the therapist can hold him accountable for explaining - maybe also discuss overall expectations and timeline for the couples therapy process and how the two of you might each be viewing it differently?

And don't be afraid to pack it in if it's really not working; don't wait forever because he wants to "let the process work" (rather than DOING the work)! Honestly, two years into a relationship with no children I'm not sure I'd have gone to couples therapy in the first place, let alone continue if it isn't working.

Well not that. My husband will send me ‘hope you’re not too busy!’ Or just a kiss or heart emoji. Literally anything that shows he cares about me and my day. I do the same. It’s not all the time, it depends on the day / what we’re doing.

I second the pp who said don’t get a dog, for all the same reasons.

This sounds like a mismatch in expectations and love language, not necessarily lack of love. Perhaps instead of looking for him to express his affection the way you do, you could find time to do things together and build goodwill and good memories that way. Crumpets/jam/biscuits might not be what he needs or expects, but it is sweet that you do it.

I do enjoy chatting with my partner every day but equally, if either of us are busy during the work day we don't need or expect to be texting each other.

I’m not a soppy notes or even a romantic person but I do think it’s really important to show appreciation and acknowledgement that the person you’re sharing your life with is extra special to you. Just a short text saying thanks or hi with a heart emoji can mean a lot more than nothing at all. The fact he can’t even do that would be concerning to me if I was feeling neglected. Counselling after just two years looks like you didn’t really know each other very well before marriage, was it a short ‘courtship’?