Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Perhaps you should work with a therapist separately on this? I really don’t think your husband is rejecting you, or that he doesn’t care about you, or that he’s doing anything hurtful. He’s just too busy and too knackered to do what you want.

Framing it endlessly in such negative terms is making it into a much bigger issue than it needs to be. Unless you drop this (unreliable) narrative it will stand between you and a happy relationship.

Oh I'm so sad for you.
You sound so defeated and low.
It's a great shame that your husband seems to have checked out of the marriage.

saying something corny is not what you need to do anyway since that is reminiscent of your love notes and might put the pressure on. "I love you" will generally be enough

You could also try to find the signs that he does love you. DH tolerates having dogs and a cat, even though he would choose to be pet free, because he knows how important it is to me. That's love. It's non-tangible. He doesn't talk about it. But every time he puts up with a dog licking him, or wanting a cuddle, I know that it's for me.

I don’t doubt it feels painful rejection always does but here’s the part you keep skipping over:
He feels rejected too.
You’re terrified of going up to him, giving him a hug, and getting hurt.
Imagine how he feels after months of:
you pretending to be asleep
you pulling away physically
you stopping the affectionate rituals
you questioning his commitment
you telling him he’s not doing enough
you saying things feel “broken”
you withholding intimacy because you feel embarrassed
date nights feeling awkward because you’re scanning for proof he cares
From his point of view, every attempt he might make risks being judged, analysed, or dismissed, and now you've got him infront of the judge and jury with the therapist too.

And I think you're expecting to do this one thing and it suddenly fix it, when he also needs time to heal, and he probably sees the things you're doing as performative and without sincerity.

I don't think your therapist has helped either. They've concentrated on what would make you feel loved without realising that it's the sentiment it conveys that you're craving. What you're seeking is reassurance that you're loved.

If you push this, you're in danger of having a husband that sends scheduled messages so that you're off his back, but is no more engaged during his work day.

It's all "me, me, me", "I feel this and I feel that"

What has he said he needs and wants and feels?

You're withdrawing from him and not even entertaining trying to spend time with him now

He does some lovely things for you but because they aren't what YOU would do then you've dismissed them

Maybe work on listening to him and recognising what he does do?

You're already begging him to show you some attempts at connection. If you stay with him your standards will have to drop even further.

Ignore the love languages stuff. If he was trying clumsily it might be relevant, but he is refusing to respond at all to you.

He seems either supremely confident that he can live his life with minimal regard to your needs and you'll eventually learn to suck it up, or he is indifferent to the relationship lasting.

You're worth so much more, as are any children you have.

This isn't a question for AIBU, @Borae. You'll get so many posters with no interest in your future, but a desperate need to sneer at you and your attempts to connect with your husband.

Our therapist has recommended finding other ways to connect ie texts, notes.

I really think you need a different therapist. Your therapist's recommendation here is about how you communicate, not about your husband's communication style. I've said it before. Your so-called relationship councillor keeps giving the impression that they are working for you, not both of you as a couple. 100% of the blame is being put on your husband, and so is all the responsibility to fix things It does not come across that the counselor is a neutral, unbiased observer.

If you want to help your marriage, and I believe you do, I would find a proper couple's counselor that will work properly with both of you.

No. I have been where she is. Yes he is working long hours but this is ALWAYS a choice if it's at the point where he is coming home at midnight. He clearly had time two years ago to show he loved her or she wouldn't have married him. It's not all about him and his work and his tiredness. If he wants to act this way, he should be alone not married. He is the one who needs therapy, not her. This is emotional deprivation and is no way to live your life let alone your early 30s. It isn't hard for him to make small gestures, say lovely things, grab some fucking flowers for his wife who has got to breaking point.

I think this is being skimmed. Things have changed. He hasn't just withdrawn.

But don't you see, you are already playing games ?

You are not trying to understand him, you are just doing what you think is emotionally connecting and beating him up for not reciprocating.

The comments on here are horrible. Gone into therapy with the wrong intentions? Her only intention has been to try and save her marriage and connect with her husband and he doesn't seem to really care. Doing damage? How so? OP please ignore this crap. You clearly try all the time to do lovely thoughtful things for your husband and he's lucky.

What sort of practice is he trying to set up OP?

No she went in with the intentions of having the therapist force her husband to acknowledge and respond to her feelings.

She has said so herself.

You are projecting your old wounds onto the OPs situation.

I haven’t mischaracterised you but I have asked a couple of times what your husband was like romantically whilst you were dating (you haven’t said how long you dated I don’t think) and you haven’t responded to that. It would give people an idea of the difference from then to how it is now.

This! Personally I don’t do love notes, heart shaped mugs etc as I find it cringey but I get where the OP is coming from. She wants him to just at least show he likes her and cares about her. A bloody text in the day to show he’s thinking of her when they don’t see each other Monday-Friday is nothing! If he was working away all week and not contacting people would be straight away accusing him of cheating.

I can’t believe there are actually posters on here suggesting the OP is at fault for expecting some contact from her husband in the week other than just having sex when he finally decides to go home. People really think he couldn’t take one evening a week to leave early and have dinner with his wife, that would show he cared about her, all he seems to care about is his job. People claiming he’s working hard to provide for the both of them (when she has a job!) but that won’t even matter if he pushes her away first. He can’t just expect sex from her when he doesn’t put any effort in.

If the OP hadn’t have mentioned love notes etc and just said ‘aibu to expect some contact from my husband in the week’ then people wouldn’t have been so sneery.

She has openly said she went to therapy to try and "force" her husband into certain actions...

But he does make certain efforts and does affectionate things... OP provided an extensive list

They just aren't what SHE thinks they should be

I bake for my husband and do a hundred other little things to show i love him, what does he do for me ? He built me a shed and jumps the second i say something needs fixing or moving. I have never once had flowers in all the years we have been together, he has never come home with a gift "just because" he only once has brought me a cuppa without being asked and that was only because i had a really serious medical episode. I know he loves me , i dont need gestures from him but i understand that some people need the little touches. If he isn't listening then maybe it is time to call it quits..

The OP said

‘I was hoping the relationship therapist would convey how miserable I am. And force husband to acknowledge and respond to my feelings. But still nothing. I just want a hint that I’m loved and appreciated. But all I get is rejection.’

So she wanted the therapist to see how miserable she was, and hoped having another person explain it to her husband would make him realise this and acknowledge it. The therapist clearly did and asked him to come up with 5 ways to show the OP he cares. Not do them, just come up with them, and he can’t even do that? Just have 5 ideas of how he could show her he cares. He’s showing her he doesn’t care right there. To go 5 days out of 7 every week not having any contact with your spouse is weird (unless in military maybe, although even then my BiL manages to contact SiL more often than that when stationed abroad).

@Borae possibly a bit of a wild guess but you have ADHD by any chance? It is linked to rejection sensitivity dysphoria and may explain why you are feeling such a heightened sense of rejection and struggling to get past it?

OP, you said that it was better when you spent time together in the morning. Could you start doing that again? Could your DH shunt his schedule earlier so that you wake up together and have breakfast together?

He could still work the same number of hours, but he'd start earlier and so could finish earlier. Eg. if you currently wake up at 6.30am, and he wakes at 7.30am when you leave, could he start getting up at 6.30am with you, and instead of getting home at midnight, he could get home at 11pm.

That way you could actually see something of each other during the week, and have the opportunity to talk to one another, have a cuddle, and connect.

So she went to a therapist to get her own way...

Rather than a conversation about why they were both struggling

She wanted him to be forced to comply to her way