Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

But you have withdrawn sex. You mentioned it earlier.
That's the death knell to a marriage.

OP yoi both seem to think there is some way to "do" marriage. There really isn't. As others have you both seem to be performing a relationship- heart shaped mugs and cookies, performative gentlemanly acts- this is real life not a TikTok video.

My partner has been working lates this week, we have been like ships that pass in the night, so I get it. What you need to do is build a close friendship and lean in to that.

What does he like? What makes him laugh? What do you share?Mr Monkey and I currently have an obsession with this sad looking raggedy old cat that is always sitting on a wall on our road. We have devised a whole fantasy world for him. We often send each other pictures of him with little stories. Yes it's silly but it makes us laugh and we know we are thinking each other when one of us sends the other the latest edition of the adventures of Ian the cat.

Apologies OP but just taking a side road here. I really want to hear about Ian because that kind of stuff makes me howl. Love it.

That’s a bit mean.

I sense that the OP knows her husband’s attitude towards her has changed, is trying hard to re-establish their connection, simply asking him to find a way to express his love for her, and does not want to give up on their marriage.

OP, I showed your thread to my husband and his immediate thought was an affair. I think that his failure to simply show you, or tell you, that he loves you speaks volumes. You sound so very sad and your pain really comes across in your posts. I’m not surprised you don’t want to imitate sex; not knowing if you’ll be rejected or if he’ll feel he’s just going through the motions.

Would you now start to look into getting a divorce? Or at least start to come to terms with having to do so?

You can't have kids because your mates are and you can't have them with someone who doesn't adore, love, hear and support you.

That's the point

It doesn't mean anything but it's what OP wants apparently

It is really horrible isn't it. Mumsnet never likes being confronted with the idea that the OP may actually be doing something harmful.

She's gone into therapy with the wrong intentions, and I don't think the therapist is really very good or helpful either.

She doesn't want connection, she wants compliance. In her mind his silence = cruelty, but her silence = justified
His withdrawal = lack of love, but her withdrawal = natural reaction
His exhaustion = excuses, but her exhaustion = emotional suffering. His unmet needs = unimportant, but her unmet needs = crisis.

It's not fair at all, and because the OP isn't willing to see that because the therapist has squarely put all of this on his shoulders, she's happy to be done and say she feels rejected by him, but I bet that doesn't hit quite as hard as realising your partner is choosing to pretend to be asleep so they don't have to talk to you, or look at your face, or hug you, but yet still wants more from you and for you to pretend you don't feel rejected too.

I think the time for therapy has long since passed with this relationship.

@breezyyy Ha ha Ian the cat is an international cat of mystery, master of the road and all he surveys.

We even give him a little gruff voice.

Mr Monkey rushed back frommParkrun today to tell me Ian had meowed at him for the first time.ever. He just in to the living room declaring "Ian can speak, he spoke to me!".

If he’s spread thin at work and knackered then why on earth are you demanding more of him? You say you love this man, but all I’m hearing is “me me me”

As someone with an extremely intense job I can understand why he doesn't have the mental space to think about texting you during the day. However my love language is the same of yours and I find a lack of thought devastating. As you say, there are lots of ways to skin a cat. He could surprise you on a Saturday with a trip and a romantic dinner and tell you how much he loves you and is sorry he can't do it all the time. He could even just say the sorry bit and make you your favourite breakfast. Or text you when he gets into bed and say - sorry you're asleep, love you, miss you.

How long is his work going to be like this? It is clearly not at all sustainable both for your relationship and for his mental health. Do you think he's ok? It could be he's suffering with burn out and therefore can't bring himself to respond to your needs even though he would ordinarily want to. That level of work and stress can change you. I think ultimately if there is no obvious end to this work pattern (I'd be wary of - I've just set up my new practice, it won't be like this forever, I've got to make it successful and then I can step back, that is highly unlikely to happen) you will need to give him an ultimatum. As it seems work is more important to him than your marriage, and you can't live like that.

And have you ever thought about why he's spread so thin at work? Who is he doing this for? He's doing this for both of you. For him, and for you. He's trying to set up his own practice for a stable life, for you.

Maybe he feels like you can't appreciate that too.

😁😁 That’s so funny! I don’t want to disrupt OP’s thread anymore but if you wanted to, you could share in the litter tray/pet forum!?

Apologies again Borae.

But less about me. Long term relationships are hard, you have to want to make them work, more importantly you have to actually like each other. Strip away your expectations of what a marriage is, the long working days and whatever your friends are doing - do you actually like him and want to spend time together?

Any advice on how to break this cycle? I recognise I have lost interest in being overly physical. We still have sex but there’s no denying it is almost perfunctory. Nowhere near the intensity it used to be. Our therapist has recommended finding other ways to connect ie texts, notes. To build everything back up. I feel like I am doing my bit but husband isn’t. Obviously this isn’t working. But I’ll try almost everything. I’ve done the just go through the motions of sex so husband can acknowledge I’m still there for him in that way. But if anything it highlights how broken things are.

I am open to trying a new approach. The lieing back and thinking of England thing makes me feel absolutely horrendous though. I don’t think husband would ever want me to feel that way. Maybe it works for some people but I just can’t see it being beneficial in any of the ways pp describe.

Im by no means intentionally withholding sex out of spite. In my mind it is a natural consequence of our emotional distance.

It is wrong of some people to blame her for asking for a daily text from him.Its a bloody text,not a daily present.OP I think the advice here is telling you that this may not get resolved in the way you want it to.He may no longer care for you as he used to .You can give it some more time to be sure but don't waste months or years being very unhappy

Sorry I a not intentionally avoiding questions it’s just hard to read some posts which I feel are just totally mischaracterising me and the situation. So I’m not scrolling back thoroughly. Feeling a bit anxious. Will have a look back potentially later

It isn't about lying back and thinking of England OP. Its about small physical intimacies, a hug in the kitchen, touching hands as you walk past, kissing each other goodbye, sitting next to each other touching whilst watching TV rather than sitting on two separate sofas.

A few things that actually would break the cycle:

• Stop interpreting every missed text as proof of not caring.
• Stop assuming he “checked out” and start assuming burnout, overwhelm, and stress.
• Stop waiting for him to “prove” love and start looking for the ways he already shows it (providing, working, caring for your safety, planning for your future).
• Make space for intimacy that is NOT sexual and NOT symbolic just quiet companionship.
• Repair the moments where you’ve shut down too.
• Have one conversation where you tell him you recognise he’s hurting as well.

Right now everything he does is being viewed through a microscope and everything you do is justified by hurt. That can’t continue.

I would very strongly recommend completely unclenching about the performative love notes stuff while he’s at work. Just drop that altogether.

Then, genuinely, focus on having fun at the weekends. Let him recuperate on the Saturday morning - he’ll be knackered - but change the tone completely. Happy music, silly TV, lighthearted chat, fun activities. Absolutely no navel gazing about what he hasn’t done during the week. Don’t talk about the therapy.

Don’t plan for sex the first weekend or even the second. Concentrate on just having a genuinely nice time. Don’t do stuff for him in the expectation that you’ll get something back, just be spontaneous and light. I honestly think you’ll connect better that way.

💯 agree

Perhaps you have different needs and goals to attend therapy, and what you need from a relationship for it to work. You say that you need connection and more closeness from partner. What are his priorities?

I just find it very painful now. The intimate things I would say and all just feel quite awkward. I’ve felt so deeply rejected. To reach out to a person whose commitment and loyalty I have questioned is so so tough. My confidence in myself has definitely taken a knock. I fear further rejection. I want to go up to husband and give him a big old squeeze and say something corny. But I’m struggling. I can’t deny that.

I agree also. I love my DH deeply. He absolutely knows I do. I haven't got energy to do anything but the bare minimum right now because we have so much going on with our DC. He gets home from work and the evening meal is not planned. I have not done x, y, z. He picks up where I've left off. Because he knows that if I could have done it I would have done and the fact that it hasn't been done means that the day has gone badly again.

One thing we do, wherever possible, is text each other when we're on our way home, and whichever of us is home will try to make sure a cup of tea is ready.

Your DH can't be having much fun if he isn't getting in until midnight.

You don't have to say anything, Saying things is hard if you've not been getting on. Just a hand on his back as you pass or a peck on the cheek starts the process of rebuilding the intimacy.

But you've interpreted your DH not expressing his love for you in the way you would express it for him as rejection. You've listed some absolutely lovely, caring, thoughtful qualities and dismissed them because they aren't what you want. I understand that, but you can't completely dismiss what he is doing.