Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

I don't really think asking a husband to do something you want as his wife is wrong, What's the actual point of being together if neither of you ever do anything that each other wants.

I wonder if the OP is actually listening to anyone in this thread? There seems to be a lack of connection here too.

Thank you.

I explained to husband in our therapy session that initiating intimacy just feels almost embarrassing and mortifying now. It has ever since I felt him emotionally withdraw. I feel rejected. I now question if he is even committed to me. It’s awkward doing some of the things I used to as I’m left feeling so uncertain.

But she's not doing what he wants either.

I’ve definitely tried.

But what about the possibility that the OP is contributing to the deterioration of the relationship by making such a big thing about the lack of contact when her DH is working until midnight?

Imagine if they got to the weekend, thought, phew that was a hell of a week, and then had a nice time? Instead OP is pissed off. Yes there will be a lack of connection, and sex will be off the menu, because she’s picking a fight.

I thought "eh he could just schedule a message for 12 every day that says "Love you xx""

“I feel rejected”

What if that’s in your mind OP?

But if he feels like you're forcing yourself, he's not going to feel particularly great about himself - so he'll withdraw even more and be even less likely to comply with your requests.

Exactly!

Could he be having an affair?

How about you try ignoring him for a few days,He might appreciate you more,taste of his own medicine

Would people genuinely find generic, scheduled texts like this meaningful?

I’ve had that suggested to me. I really don’t want to start playing games and also withdrawing. I feel like that really would be game over.

Ok,of course,I understand

Well no you haven't tried.

What you've done is things that you would like.

You've left him post it notes declaring your love because thats what you would like.

You've made him coffee and bought a heart shaped mug because that's what you would like.

You've bought him posh jam and cookies because that's what you would like

None of these things are actually what most men are looking for to make them feel loved. Particularly if you've withdrawn affection and physical contact.

I’ve told him his treatment makes me think this is a possibility but he has assured me I’m being ridiculous for even asking. I am almost certain he is just spread thin at work and knackered.

Oh OP. It's already over. You're miserable, it screams from every single post you write. The rights and wrongs of it all are irrelevant.

I’m sorry @Borae , I can hear the pain in your posts. The reality is you couldn’t have made it clearer how sad, disconnected and rejected you feel and he isn’t doing anything about it, which means it (I.e. you) no longer matter enough to do so. I have a very busy job and frequently work til midnight and if someone I loved came to me and communicate these sorts of feelings I would do something- I might not be able to/ want to do exactly what they are asking for (if I considered it unreasonable or not in line with my feelings) but I would explain it and do something. If this is not the relationship you want then go now whilst you are still young.

OP seems to be ignoring that so many are telling her that forcing him to change will get the opposite reaction.

This has been pointed out loads of times but OP hasn't addressed it.

I don't think OP is unreasonable to want more from him but if he is unwilling to give it then where can they go from here?
Either stay in this marriage, where they seem to be currently incompatible,or they separate and divorce.

OP it's clear you are hurting but it's like you're expecting marriage to be a mixture of a Disney romance and instagram - "welcoming" babies and focussing on heart shapes

What does he actually want? Did he say what he wants during the therapy sessions?

It’s not a simple chicken-and-egg.
It’s two people withdrawing in different ways for different reasons. He’s burnt out and overwhelmed with work; she’s lonely and anxious about the distance. Both of those are real, but neither makes the other person “checked out.”
Saying he “GDAF” is a huge leap from “he’s exhausted and not communicating in the way she wants right now.”
This is exactly why binary thinking (“he’s checked out” vs “she’s punishing him”) is so damaging. It ignores the fact that OP’s actions would hurt him too, and it keeps the blame stuck on one partner instead of addressing the cycle they’re both in.

I think you're really minimising the damage that somebody actively taking steps to ignore their partner does, compared to general life ups and downs, long work hours, the tiredness and exhaustion and the lack of bandwidth for a temporary duration of time.

It's the final nail in the coffin.

It pretty much cemented the feeling I was getting from the OP anyway that she doesn't care what he wants, she wants him to do what she wants and she thinks the therapist is a weapon in her arsenal